Dexter's Death Valley Days

Thriving in the Desert

2007-03-08T19:10:00.000-08:00

So guess who has been named Death Valley Hostess of the Month?

None other than our own Guadalupe!

Here's a photo of my former housekeeper, and now, hostess and head chef of the Motel Desert Lodge, as featured in last weeks, "Death Valley Times". Way to go, 'Lupe!

I've been very busy lately. Eric Stillman and his wife have been staying with us for the past few weeks while he is filming his latest opus, "Dust Rats" in Barstow. Luckily he has had weekends off and has assisted me in refurbishing the motel's pool area.

We worked our asses off and now the pool and spa are worthy of guests!

And a big thank you to Mrs. Stillman who aside from her fabulous gardening tips, and taking care of the iguanas in the petting zoo; has also been tutoring Guadalupe for her citizenship test.

Anyway, here is a shot of the pool area after Stillman and I finished it off last week. Man, we worked our tails off shaping it up, but it looks great, if I say so myself!

Stillman thinks that I should call the old crowd from Hollywood to christen the place after all of the renovations are done, but I don't know if I'm ready to see that crew again.

Hank has sent me several telegrams (since cell phone service is a bit hit or miss out here) begging me to come home. I just wired him and told him that if he really misses me, he can come out here ... I sent him a map.

Well, that's all for now. We have a bar-mitzvah to host tonight, and before that I have to run one of the iguanas over to the vet in Devil's Hole because it has some kind of scale infection.

Well gang, that's all for now!

Alive and Well in Death Valley

2007-01-15T17:40:00.000-08:00

What? Did you guys think I was dead or something?

Gang, if Dex Baxter is anything, its a survivor!

And I am doing more than surviving, I am flourishing as the proprietor and owner of the Desert Lodge Motel and Cafe in Death Valley California.

OK, alright, I guess I am getting ahead of myself a bit as I am sure you are curious as to how I ended up here ... fine, pull up a chair, smoke 'em if you got 'em, and let Uncle Dex tell you a story.

_____

Once upon a time there was a very successful script doctor named Dex Baxter, who lived on a hill just off of Mulholland drive in a magic kingdom known as Hollywood. The man shared his beautiful home with a semi-famous actor named Hank Azaria, and for the most part, they were very happy.

Dex and Hank were lucky men. They both did what they loved for a living, had a group of rich and famous friends, got invited to the best parties in town and generally lived life in the fast lane.

Unfortunately for Dex, he had his demons, and they followed him constantly.

As a young man, Dex fought valiantly against his personal monsters, and usually he came out on top (with the occasional tumble in the dirt). But thanks to the support of friends, he was able to stay on the straight and narrow.

But one day, it all just became too much for our hero and he stared the demon down, and this time the demon won and sent Dex on a downward spiral that sent him to the Kingdom of Rehab.

It was while he was at this Kingdom that Dex realized that the only way he'd ever forever defeat his addictions was to leave them behind ... and so, on the night before he was supposed to leave the Kingdom of Rehab, he jumped a Greyhound Bus with five hundred thousand in cash in his pocket and got off at a dusty old motel in the middle of the desert, and there, he found peace, contentment and a sense of belonging.

How's that for a start?

It's all true!

On November 19th, at four in the afternoon, I walked into the Desert Lodge Motel and Cafe' and with one look, I knew that this was the place for me. With its ten motel rooms, swimming pool, iguana petting zoo, clapboard and stucco bar and grille ... what can I say, this dusty and weather beaten establishment seemed to be calling to me. So, I made an offer to the owner, a crusty old character by the name of Gordy, and twenty thousand bucks later, I held the deed, liquor license and keys to the establishment in my hot little hands.

I have not left everything behind, no, I still have some contacts from the old days. Eric Stillman has been a big help (who do you think took the Warhol portrait from Paramount and then sold it to a collector in Van Nuys for a cool million? That money is now invested in a Swiss Bank account ... some money for a rainy day).

Guadalupe has also joined me in this venture ... actually she stopped into the cafe one night while running immigrants across the desert in her modified camper van (she rakes in a pretty penny for this -- no judgments on my part), needless to say we were both shocked to see each other. I remember her saying to me, "Oh Mr. Dex, we were all so worried for you, Mr. Hank is so upset, you must call him! Oh Madre Mia!" When she finally calmed, I talked her into staying on here in Death Valley with me ... we now serve the best quesadillas east of Mexico City here at the Desert Lodge Motel Cafe.

But I got to tell you, I love this life. No more hustling for the studios, or boring parties, or tripping over Doris Roberts in my driveway ... no sir, now you can find me behind the bar here, serving up beers to cowboys and mixed drinks to lost tourists; or making sure that the rooms are clean and ready for guests ... this is as close as I've ever come to a vision quest.

I have a lot more to say, but wireless computer connections are a bit haphazard here in Death Valley, so I have to sign off, feed the iguanas and then get ready for the dinner crowd tonight.

Reward Doubled For Any Information Leading To Finding Dex Baxter

2006-12-10T16:22:00.000-08:00

Press Release: From the Office of Saul Rabinowitz:

With the LAPD reporting no leads in the disappearance of Hollywood Insider, Dex Baxter. My office has been authorized by Mr. Baxter's partner, Hank Azaria as well as Matthew Perry and Eric Stillman to double all financial rewards that were being offered previously.

To add to the mystery surrounding Dex's disappearance, it was recently reported that the Warhol lithograph of Mr. Baxter, which had been on loan to Paramount Studios, has apparently been stolen.

Dex's housekeeper, Guadalupe Lopez, has graciously offered to field all emails and phone calls concerning Mr. Baxter's disappearance. You can contact her with any information at 1.800.555.0121 or via email at quadalupe@crenshaw.net .

From Today's Editon of the Los Angeles Times

2006-11-25T14:31:00.000-08:00

Hollywood Insider Missing, Foul Play is Feared:
11.25.06

Dex Baxter the one time actor and later (mostly uncredited) "script doctor" for hundreds of films, was reported missing last week by his Attorney, Saul Rabinowitz.

Baxter was due to be discharged from Promises Rehabilitation center on November 18th, and according to the staff of the center, was in very good spirits when he was last seen on the night of the 17th in the facility's coffee bar.

Arriving on the scene from seemingly nowhere, Baxter made his mark in such films as 1978's "Memory, Sweet Memory" and the celebrated "The Night the Lights went down on Broadway" where he played Janet Leigh's much younger love interest.

A string of other films followed until the romantic comedy, "Blame It On Buenos Aires" when Baxter checked into rehab for the first time after the completion of that project.

Out of rehab, several months later, Baxter found himself appearing in the musical, "Disco Nation", a film so despised and ridiculed it effectively killed his acting career.

Several years later, Baxter reinvented himself as a talent scout and was credited as the man who discovered Brad Pitt, George Clooney and others. It was also during this time that Baxter's friend, Carrie Fisher contacted him to help her fine tune a script she was working on. To this day, the word in Hollywood is that Baxter was the one who created the infamous deli-orgasm scene in "When Harry Met Sally".

From this point, Baxter became the go-to-guy when scripts needed repair. While he may have not received any credit for the films he worked on, Baxter was reportedly paid very handsomely for his work.

Recently, it is reported that Baxter shares a spacious Tudor style home just off of Mulholland drive with actor, Hank Azaria.

Besides Azaria, Baxter counts other Hollywood stars as close friends including, Matthew Perry (whose character on NBC's "Studio 60" is said to be based on) and up and coming action star, Eric Stillman.

Azaria, Perry and Stillman have all offered cash rewards to anyone that might know of Baxter's whereabouts.

Police have not ruled out foul play in this dissaparence and have questioned actress, Doris Roberts, though Detective Walter Neff of the LAPD said that, "Ms. Roberts is not a suspect at this time, we merely wanted to question her."

A Desperate Plea to the Fans of Dex Baxter

2006-11-20T14:52:00.000-08:00

My name is Saul Rabinowitz. I am Dex Baxter's personal attorney, and it is with a heavy heart that I write the following:

On or about November 18th, 2006, the staff at Promises Residential Treatment center located in Malibu California, reported that Mr. Baxter vanished from the facility. Surprisingly, Mr. Baxter was due to be discharged on Sunday (November 19th).

According to Mr. Baxter's personal counselor, Dex had successfully finished his treatment and was once again ready to re-enter society.

Mr. Baxter was due at MGM Studios on Monday to lay down a commentary track for the DVD release of his classic film, Disco Nation.

On the left you will see the most recent picture of Dex taken at the Encino 7-11 the night before Mr. Baxter was admitted to Promises. The picture was taken with the store's security camera.

Dex's Business and Life Partner, Hank Azaria is offering a reward of one million dollars to the person or person's with any information leading to the finding and safe return of Mr. Baxter. Additionally, Dex's friends, Matthew Perry and Eric Stillman have pledged an additional five hundred thousand dollars towards this end.

If you have any information concerning Mr. Baxter's whereabouts, please contact me at 1.800.555.0121 or email us at quadalupe@crenshaw.net.

All responses will be kept in the strictest of confidence.

Thank you,
Saul Rabinowitz, Esq.

Dex Interrupted

2006-09-29T16:55:00.000-07:00

My name is Dex Baxter, and I'm an alcoholic.

Yes, it's true, you probably read about it in Entertainment Weekly or The National Enquirer, but yours truly is currently "resting" at Promises Rehabilitation Center.

I really thought I had this thing beat, but the demon can rise up and bite you in the ass at any time, and now I have am convalescing at the very spot that Ben Affleck, Diana Ross and Robert Downey Jr. dried out. Actually as rehab centers go, this place is pretty chic. It wouldn't be half bad if they could just put Doris Roberts into a sound proof room, that crazy bitch is always screaming at the top of her lungs...sometimes I wish someone would just slip her a vodka and tonic with a couple of Seconals so she'd pass out...

So your probably asking yourself, "Dex, wha' happened, man?"

Well it went like this...

My last day of sobriety occurred on Sunday July 30th when Hank and I drove on down to the Malibu home of my good pal, Eric Stillman, and his lovely wife, Erica. The Stillman's are new Hollywood royalty. Eric's got about ten different film offers, an Oscar, an action figure ("El Grande Supra Supreme!" - marketed by Mattel), and a line of men's wear that is due to hit Macy's any day now! Meanwhile, the little woman, is now the most sort after elocutionist in town! They are literally beating a pathway to the door of Erica to learn how to properly roll their R's and pronounce words like,"disestablishmentarianism".

We got to the party early and The S-Man was in rare form, handing out cigars to Hank and me and showing off his new bride as well as giving us a tour of his new digs...I was so happy for him. He deserves his success. I managed to spend some time with Erica and she was so sweet, she told me that when she was a kid, her favorite film was, "Disco Nation". She even sang me one of the songs from the soundtrack! I immediately knew what Eric saw in the saucy gal from New Jersey.

Then the other guests began arriving and the party kicked into high gear. Brad and Angie showed up with Maddox and Shiloh (such cute kids ) Beyonce and Jay Z, Tom and Rita...it was a regular who's who of the rich and vapid! Sometime around five or so, Faye Dunaway popped in and when she saw me she cried out, " Dex darling, point me in the direction of the bar, I've had a dreadful day!" So I escorted Dunaway to the well stocked bar while she prattled on about her problems...eventually I was able to shake her and go and say high to Matt and Lance (Hollywood's other hot couple of the moment)...those crazy guys jogged all the way over from Burbank! When Dunaway spied them she cried out, "Get a room, boys! One with a working shower!!!!!" A roar of laughter swept through the crowd and someone cried out (I think it was Quentin Tarantino), "Look out, Faye's getting lit!"

Everyone was having a grand time, and when Stillman managed to break away from the crowd, he made his way over and put his arm around my shoulder, and said, "Old man, I owe you big time! None of this could have happened with out your support!" I raised my glass of ginger ale and toasted him and said, "Nonsense, you did this the old fashioned way; you slept your way to the top!" We both roared with laughter and then Stillman produced a joint and we indulged in some wacky spliff and were having a great old time until...

...we heard someone shouting from the road in front of Stillman's home, it sounded like a crazed man...it turned out to be Mel Gibson (one in the same), he was yelling, "I AM THE KING OF MALIBU!!!!" Faster than you could have said, "Braveheart", it was sheer bedlam! Party guests were running to the front yard of Cassa Stillman where they saw Mel in his underwear, brandishing a bottle of Dark Eyes Vodka like a club, twirling it around his head, foam coming from his mouth, his eyes wild like a sow in heat...and then he caught a glimpse of the crowd gathering and cried out, "THE JEW'S RUN HOLLYWOOD!!!" With that he gulped the rest of the contents of the bottle and threw it in a trajectory that came close to smashing our host square in the noggin. Stillman ducked and said, "Nobody ruins a party in this town, except me!!" and just as he was about to charge the madman, Dunaway grabbed his arm and said, "Allow me to deal with this, darling. I've had experience with the mentally deranged".

Tossing her martini aside to the lawn, Faye glided over to Gibson and gently said, "Mel, darling, everyone knows that the Scientologists run this town now, the Jews haven't held sway since Mr. Mayer died".

Gibson looked at her for a second, seemingly trying to comprehend what she was saying, and in the blink of an eye, Faye brought her knee up and gave him a kick in the balls that sent him falling to the ground like a sack of potatoes.

"Fuck off, darling", she said gently turning, lightning a cigarette, and making her way back to the crowd where a spontaneous round of applause rang out.

Stillman and his bride stood mouth's agape and turned to me and Hank, who smiled and said in a nonchalant manner, "Don't fuck with Faye."

After the police came and took Mel away, the party went into overdrive and I soon found myself getting caught up in the reverie.

Now here's where things start to get blurry.

Someone handed me a drink, I think it might have been Shilo or maybe one of the Olsen Twins, anyway, assuming it was a soft drink I gulped it down and quicker than you could say "Postcards From the Edge", I found myself snarfing down the Cutty Sark and several beers...oh man it felt great, like coming home!

At some point in the evening I found myself dancing with Jamie Lee Curtis and she kept saying, "Dex, I never knew you were so light on your feet!" Was I ever!

Later on I was in the bathroom with Keanu Reeves doing a couple of lines of blow...AWESOME!

Eventually I found myself on the beach walking alone, my mind a whirl of images, my mouth feeling like a place where spiders go to die.

Hank and Stillman found me passed out on a sand dune.

Hello rock bottom.

They checked me in to Promises the next morning.
**********

As rehab centers go, this place ain't too shabby. Mind you I've done Betty Ford and Passages in Malibu; Promises has them all beat hands down.

My private room has been dubbed The Matthew Perry Suite by the staff (Matt stayed in this very room on several occasions). ---ah, an aside, how great is Matt on Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip? Anyone care to guess who is character is based on? Anyone, anyone, Buehler?---

Let me tell you a little about some of the other guests at Hotel California...this morning, Congressman Mark Foley checked in, he keeps asking if there is wireless Internet service here ... Lyndsay Lohan is in the out patient clinic, damn bitch keeps stopping by my room asking if she can bum a smoke ... Robin Williams is next door and he and I have been playing scrabble to while away the afternoons...

Carrie Fisher stops by almost every day, she keeps telling me that if I really want this stay to be successful, I need to write a book about the experience (she ought to know). Hank also comes by every day, and today he brought our housekeeper Guadalupe who, as you may or may not know, just made a ton of cash when she snapped and sold some photos to The Star of Tom Cruise and Ricky Martin wrestling nude at a rest stop off the PCH. I am so proud of her!

Scripts are still pouring in, and I am still working on my own project, so that ought to keep me busy while I am here...what else can I say?

See you all in 28 days!

Taking It To The Mat(t) II

2006-07-30T08:45:00.000-07:00

This crazy heatwave in Cali has been causing all kinds of wacky things to happen, Poor Lyndsay Lohan had heatstroke, Mel Gibson got drunk and went on a tirade (showing his true colors, I might add), and Doris Roberts is back in rehab; but the big story, is the love story of the decade that features the triad of Matthew McConaughey, Lance Armstrong, and Jake Gyllenhaal.

Good golly, ya can't go anywhere these days without bumping into these boys, riding their bikes, or shopping for trinkets, or just sunning themselves . Just this morning I caught a glimpse of Matt and Lance jogging down the street ... of course everyone knows that Matt is a switch hitter, but what did Sheryl Crow do to Lance? But, hey, it's all good, welcome to the club Lance!

The smart money out here says it's Matt and Lance all the way, and Jake is just the occasional piece of Swiss cheese in the sandwich... of course, that's all just speculation, love in La La Land blows like the Santa Ana winds ... none the less, when you see this threesome come whizzing by you decked out in form-fitting spandex, give them a thumbs up, because true love is hard to find in Hollywood.

And in related news, Matt and Lance are renting a home just up the road from Hank and I. Jakey filled me in on this piece of news when I bumped into him at the Sheldrake Room the other night. Apparently, the boys like to sun themselves on the home's deck; I've caught my housekeeper, Guadalupe, snapping off pictures of the goings-on at the rented home with a digital camera with a tele-photo lens. She claims that she's just trying out a gift her son gave her, but I am pretty sure she's selling the snaps to the National Enquirer!

Ain't love grand?

So the turkey baster love child of Tom and Katie has yet to be seen in public. Even if Jada Pinkeet Smith and that chick from the sitcom claim to have seen it. Will Guadalupe solve this puzzle? Like I said, she's got her new camera and is putting the glad-rag biz on the back burner for a bit ("I am sick of making dresses for these skinny bitches, they don't have the hips, it's like designing the dress for a 12 year old girl", is how she put it in Women's Wear Daily), and says she is going to camp out in front of Cruise's compound until she snaps a few photos of the once and future king of Scientology!

A belated Happy Birthday to noted He-Man, Action Star, and Sheldrake Room regular, Vin Diesel. Vinnie's birthday was on the 18th of July and Hank and I were invited to a private party that he held at the Las Vegas Hilton...now, I'd love to fill you all in on the details of this soiree, but unfortunately, I had to sign a waiver upon entering the hotel that night so, like they say, What Happens in ~~Vin~~ Vegas, Stays in ~~Vin~~ Vegas... here's a picture of the birthday boy sleeping it off...

Well, I am off to Paramount, where I am dropping off a couple of scripts I've been working on, and then it's off to visit my good pal, Eric Stillman, and his lovely wife, Erica, at their home in Malibu. The happy newlyweds are throwing, what promises to be, the party of the summer! I'll post about this when I get back.

Taking It To The Mat(t)

2006-07-13T10:09:00.000-07:00

I was going through some old papers the other night and came across this copy of the Spartacus Guide from back in 1990...well slap me on the butt and call me Joey Tribbiani, look who was gracing the cover of this widely read gay travel guide, none other than a dewy eyed Matt LeBlanc.

Now you all know that Matt is a man's man, as straight as an arrow, and like my good friend, Matthew Perry, one should never assume that he's gay because just because he's posed for the cover of an international gay publication (or because he frequents certain private clubs in downtown L.A.).

There is another Matt in town everyone is talking about; yes, I am speaking of the cuckolded Mr. Kathy Griffin, Matt Moline. According to his soon-to-be-ex-wife, Matt was stealing from her (to the tune of $72,000)...all things considered, I think that's a fair amount to have to deal with Griffin...not to worry, Matt, the Hollywood Bachelor's club is always looking for new members!

Here on the home-front all is going well. The work is pouring in and I am up to my neck in paper doctoring scripts...and of course, I am spending time working on my own screenplay which is keeping me busy; The Sunset Detective Agency is going to be the hottest film of 2007, I've already got my cast, and the neccasary funding. If everything goes as planned, we start shooting in January!

Another zombie sighting in Hollyood (see horroific photo on the left)

Dex Baxter is Alive and Well in Hollywood

2006-07-06T15:57:00.000-07:00

Hello everyone! I am so sorry that I have been missing; things have been insane around here...Between Hank's show being canceled, Stillman's wedding, and the film I am working on, I have had no time to do much of anything but work!

Yes, "Huff" is no more. The night we heard, I took Hank to the Sheldrake Room and we bumped in to Matt Perry...how ironic that Perry has a new show coming in the fall and Hank's been dumped...thank god for "The Simpsons"...none the less, Mr. Man is a trooper and he's made some damn good investments so we are just viewing this as a breather in between projects...

Did you hear about Eric Stillman's Malibu Weekend wedding? If you read the National Enquirer, you probably did. Well, there is not much to tell except for the facts; the night before, Stillman and Liza Minnelli had a huge falling out that came to blows, poor Eric had a black eye after Liza slugged him and walked out...HOWEVER, since the wedding was prepaid and the invitations were sent, he ended up marrying his elocution teacher, a gorgeous young lady from New Jersey. Of course, everyone was expecting Minnelli to walk down the aisle, so when the pretty young blond showed up, people were scratching their heads...when guest, Faye Dunaway saw the intended Mrs Stillman, she cried out, "Finally that boy has come to his senses and dropped that drunken has been", and then she pulled a bottle of gin from her purse and took a healthy swig. Anyway, it was a swell affair and the happy couple is honeymooning in Palm Springs, and when they come back to La La, Stillman begins filming the sequel to "El Grande Supra" tentative title, "El Grande Supra II - Ole' El Grande!"

So, besides my script doctoring, I've decided to write an original screenplay and have been auditioning some of Tinsel Town's finest. Last week I hosted a private party that served as an open casting call for some of Hollywood's greatest ~~slabs of beefcake~~ talented actors. Of course the first one to show up was Matthew McConaughey who wasted no time cracking open a bottle of Jose Cuervo and doing cannonballs in the pool...anyway the script is tentatively titled, "Sunset Detective Agency" which is about a private investigation company that is staffed by a bunch of ~~hot hunks~~ brilliant private eyes who take their shirts off as much as possible; yes the story will be secondary to the eye candy...this thing is gonna make so much money.

Jake Gyllenhaal also answered the cattle call but he got to drinking with McConaughey and Hank told me that he saw Jakey crawling through the upstairs hallway... we figured he just needed to sleep it off, but the next thing I knew, Guadalupe came out to the patio and said, "Mr. Dexter, that Brokeback boy is passed out on your bedroom floor! Aye!" I told her to keep an eye on him and just lock him in; I'd deal with him later.

Clooney called, he's got a lot of interest in this project and wanted to audition some of the actors himself...I promised him a chance to do all of the callbacks ... Hugh Jackman surprised me be actually showing up...what a nice guy, but I figured that he had enough irons in the fire. Apparently not, the Aussie X Man said he could not wait to disrobe for me on camera, "Tell you what bloke, in Oz, Disco Nation is a fucking classic! So it would be an honor to work with anyone affilated with that masterpiece!"... oh god help me, he has the part!...later on Jared Leto showed up, Boy Howdy, he's a great swimmer and he nailed the fucking audition...I hired him on the spot and told him, "Kid, I am going to make you a star!"

After the auditions, Hank fired up the barbecue and Ramon manned the bar, and dinner and cocktails were served ... it was a pleasant evening and the food and drink was as sublime as the company ... Later on McConaughey started rolling joints and passing them around and soon the air was thick with the smell of ganja...as the evening wound down, I found Jackman asleep on the sofa in the den and shot this picture of him, and then I went to bed and ended up tripping over Jack Nasty who was still out like a light on my bedroom floor... god , I love Hollywood!

AND BY THE WAY...

You may have seen this photo of the macho, action film star floating around the net...but that does not mean that Vincent is gay, OK, just because he's imitating Marilyn Monroe's classic calender pose, does not make him gay ... he was a mere boy when this photo was taken...and it...well it...

Here's a photo of Vin that hangs at his favorite spot at The Sheldrake Room... see, he's 100 percent straight... really, straight as Tom Cruise...

ETC...

As you all might be aware of, my housekeeper, Guadalupe has a cottage industry going designing glad rags for the gals of tinsel town, and I secured Wilma Stonecutter (my former agent, and Stillman's current agent from William Morris) to represent her. Happily, Guadalupe has kept her day job at casa Baxter/Azaria but she's pretty much commandeered the third floor of the mansion as her sweat shop...we've got more Mexicans coming and going at our place than at the Texas border!

This morning, I took the latest script I was doctoring (a top secret project for Universal about the life of Ann Coulter-- tentativly titled, "One Lucky Bitch!") to my favorite beach spot in Malibu, set up my lounge chair and umbrella and while tapping away on my lap top I heard some people screaming, I looked up to see what the commotion was, and saw these two zombies stumbling about ... turned out it was only Mischa Barton and Nicole Richie...

A Big Bag of M&M's (with nuts)

2006-04-11T17:02:00.000-07:00

Dig In:

PECKING ORDER:

Have you all noticed that Hank's pecs are almost as big and perky as Pamela Lee Anderson's? Maybe you've seen one of his shirtless scenes on Huff. Well, I live with the guy, and I've noticed. The other day he bumped into me in the hallway, and his left nipple tore a hole in my shirt ... last night I did push ups and supported myself on his chest; damn they were as firm as concrete ... but I'm not complaining, a hard man is good to find! And to those of you who don't like Mr. Man's chest, too bad. Actually it seems a lot of people have a problem with Hank's rack...bunch of jealous bitches if you ask me.

~~MISS~~ TOM CRUISE'S PARADE SMACK:

Maybe you read the fluff piece in Sunday's issue of Parade Magazine; a real yawner until you get to this passage:

“Before I left Cruise, he introduced me to Katie Holmes, who is about 5 foot 10 (he’s 5 foot 7) and pretty,” writes Rader. “She wore a large diamond engagement ring. She seemed dazed, passive and vacant. She never stopped smiling. The minute she appeared, Cruise’s now-familiar public mode of behavior returned. He began hooting how beautiful she was, touching and kissing her like a teenage boy on his first backseat date, aware that he was being watched.”

DORIS ROBERTS BACK ON THE SAUCE:

Sadly, she's been arrested four times in the past three months for drunk and disorderly contact.

Just last Saturday, LAPD were called to the Brentwood Home of Ray Romano to remove a prostrate and incoherent Roberts from the well manicured lawn from said estate...but Doris is a great old broad, and Hollywood loves a lush; she'll bounce back!

JACK NASTY:

Jake Gyllenhaal making goo-goo eyes at his friend, Austin Nichols means only four things: NOT GAY, NOT GAY, NOT GAY, NOT GAY ... at least that's what his publicist had to say according to L.A. Defamer -- HERE. I can back this up, just last night at The Sheldrake room, Jake told me that he was not gay and then proceeded to drink shots out of noted He-Man (Vin Diesel)'s navel!

SELF MAID DRESS SUCCSESS:

Look out Dolce & Gabbana, Guadalupe of Crenshaw is the biggest thing in designer duds these days...here's the little lady drumming up business at a private function in Brentwood last month! Surprisingly, she's kept her day job!

LIZA TO BE A MOM?!?! ERIC TO BE A DAD!?!? :

Dear god, I kid you not: Liza Minnelli checked in to Cedars Mt Sinai last week, her beloved beau, Eric Stillman by her side and sources reported that someone heard Mr. Stillman exclaim, "What? She's 60 friggin' years old! How could the rabbit have died?"

Rock-a-bye-baby!

EAT ME!

2006-04-10T16:27:00.000-07:00

Fucking Blogger ate my post!!!

Sorry kids, I've been really busy lately and sat down tonight and cooked up a big old gossip-riddled posting and then blogger had a seizure and ka-pow it was all gone!

I am going to try again...I'm still here in Sunny So Cal and all is well.

I'm off to The Sheldrake Room.

Stay Tuned!!

Strawberry Quick and Vanilla Vodka with a splash of Heavy Cream

2006-03-17T17:13:00.000-08:00

You may wonder what the biggest thrill of Oscar night 2006 was for the house of Baxter / Azaria ... might it have been the big win of a certain friend? Or possibly the award that went to my good buddy, Mr. Clooney? Mayhaps it was the chance to see former Sheldrake Room regular, Will Smith, speaking in French while on stage...then again...maybe it was...

...the fact that several of Hollywood's hottest babes were outfitted by the most sought after designer of glad-rags in Tinseltown these days; Guadalupe of Crenshaw! Yes it's true! Maybe you saw Charlize Theron sporting that little number that came with it's own shoulder pillow (should the wearer want to nod off during one of the long acceptance speeches), or perhaps you caught Sandra Bullock in that natty little number that was stitched together using some old slip covers (speaking of Ms. B: where the heck is Jesse these days, I'm just asking is all) ... my housekeeper has quite a little cottage industry going for herself, and I am damn proud of her;¡La manera de Ir, Guadalupe!

Of course, by now you have read that Eric Stillman won the award for Best Actor in A Foreign Independent Film. Needless to say it was sheer bedlam in center row five of The Kodak Theatre when his name was called. Stillman, who brought Liza Minnelli along as his date, nearly decapitated Dolly Parton, when he jumped from his seat and hopped over the next few rows to get to the stage...meanwhile, Hank and I were high-fiving everyone while Liza (who had brought along a portable mini-bar) was pouring champagne into small plastic glasses and passing them down the row screaming, "That's my boy, give 'em hell, baby!!!" Oh and how about that acceptance speech? In a rolling, cacophony of sounds and emotions, The S Man thanked everyone from his third grade elocution teacher, his Kabbalah instructor, as well as "All the former straight women I have dated"...needless to say, I wiped a tear from my eye when he thanked yours truly for always "having faith in me, no matter what catastrophe followed in my wake". A thunderous standing ovation followed and yes, a star was born!

Since Hank had to fly back to NYC the next morning to continue Spam A Lot, I dropped him off back at the house so he could get some sleep and then had the limo take me to the Vanity Fair party; Stillman and Minnelli were going to meet me there... the first thing I saw when I got out of the limo was a truly horrifying creature who approached me and said in broken English, "Dahling, Help! I Must Moisturize before I turn to Dust!!!" I threw my bottle of Evian water at the beast and watched as the liquid was absorbed into every available pore of the she-beast!

Dashing past the paparazi I bumped into Jake Gyllenhaal and Peter Sarsgaard, "See you at Clooney's party at The Sheldrake Room tonight?" Cried Mr. Brokeback. "Bring your saddle, cowboy", I shot back and continued on my way through the throng of celebs...I finally caught up with Stillman and Liza with a Z, the happy couple was holding court at a small table surrounded by press. Liza saw me first and yelled out, "Dex, sweetheart, over here!!". When I sat down she tried to shove a daiquiri in my hand so I had to remind her that I was in A.A.; looking quizzical for a second she then smiled and said, "Oh yeah, me too!" and preceded to down the cocktail ... Stillman excused himself from the reporters for a second and turned to me and, flushed with his recent success proclaimed, "Baxter, old man, I feel like the king of the world tonight! My god, you won't believe the offers coming my way ... listen, I have about twenty scripts that were slipped my way stashed in the limo, could you look them over in the next few weeks, I want your honest opinion on them..." I assured my good pal that I would take a gander at what he had and at that same moment, Madonna plopped herself down at our table and gave me a quick peck on the cheek and tried to slip Stillman her digits ... Liza, whose something of a hawk-eye, looked up at Mrs. Richie and said, "Beat it, sister skank, he's all mine!" and with that, The Material Girl slinked off into the night...

Realizing that this was Eric's night, I left him and Liza to the ever increasing bevy of new fans and tried to make my exit, but not before a photographer tried to snap a picture of me and my protege ... goddamn, at least you can see our suits!

yours truly and The S Man

At the sidewalk hailing my car, Matt Dillon dashed over and said, "Yo, Baxter - want to share a ride to The Sheldrake?" I agreed and on the way to downtown, we shared a joint and talked about the night's festivities..."Christ, my one chance at an Oscar and fucking Clooney beats me! Not like it's going to be the only one that bastard gets!" At first I thought he might be smarting but Dillon's a good guy, he was just busting stones and then we lit a couple of cigars and he said, "Oh wait, you still on the wagon? Because now is the time to fall off, have you had a 'Strawberry Quickie'? It's Strawberry Quick and vanilla vodka with a splash of heavy cream; Sandy Bullock had a flask full of it and kept passing it around during the awards ceremony, you've got to try one!" I explained that I was still dry but agreed that it sounded great as the car continued on through the magical Hollywood night...

Guinness Stout

2006-02-20T16:34:00.000-08:00

My god kids, there is so much to celebrate these days in Hollywood- Land...first, of course, is the certain crumbling of a certain "relationship" featuring a certain (turkey baster impregnated) young actress to a certain closet case Scientologist; what will he be jumping sofas over next, one wonders...

There is also cause to celebrate as Matt Perry who is hard at work on his new series (just like I reported HERE --scroll down a bit, you'll find it), and Matt is playing a writer (based on whom, I'm not sayin') for a sketch comedy show ...read all about it HERE.

And of course, Eric Stillman's star is heading so high up in the firmament, it may very well eclipse the sun! "King Of Denial" is a go, as well as an animated series based on "El Grande Supra", and last, but certainly not least, Stillman, his film, and the film's director are all nominated for Academy Awards.

Like I reported last time, I managed to get a hold of my old agent, Wilma Stonecutter from The William Morris Agency, to represent The S Man. Wilma grilled me for about an hour over the phone before she agreed to handle Eric; Wilma did not balk over the Mafia run-ins ("Kid stuff", she snorted), or the Colombian drug cartel ("So 1994", she sighed)...then she got personal and asked me about his sex-life. I told her that as far as I knew he was straight and this made her bristle and say, "Oh Christ, he's not a baseball fan is he?" I told her that I was not aware if he was or not, and why would that matter, to which she replied, "Look honey, hetero is OK, but if he's a baseball fan, I've got two words, Kevin Costner...and you know where his career is these days..." With that business out of the way, Stonecutter agreed to taking Stillman on and said she'd have the contracts drawn up and sent out to him in a day. In the mean time, she advised me to keep him away from the press and not let him sign anything until she looks at it. Done and done I promised...

While the rest of the world was sequestered at the Grammy Awards, Hank and I were busy throwing Mister Stillman his official Hollywood 'Coming Out' party; and boy howdy, did we throw him a fucking blast... I made a few calls and had Wolfgang Puck cater the whole affair, thusly giving my housekeeper, Guadalupe the night off. I also told her that I wanted her to come to the party as a guest and she was so thrilled (as I soon discovered that she and one of Stillman's "El Grande Supra" co- stars, Xavier Gomez, have been making goo-goo eyes at each other since the Golden Globe awards)...before the night's events kicked off, Stillman and his lady, Scarlett Johanson (who were staying in our pool house) showed up in the kitchen with a problem; seemed that Eric's tux was here, but that Johanson's evening gown was lost somewhere. Once again, Guadalupe to the rescue as she ripped a set of drapes from the guest room window, pulled out the sewing machine and said, "OK skinny girl with the big senos, come on let's make the magic..." An hour later, Scarlett descended the stair case looking drop-dead movie star gorgeous in a Guadalupe of Crenshaw Original.

One disaster avoided, the guests began arriving ... Faye Dunaway was the first and she plowed into the hall saying, "Dex, thanks for the invite. Point me to the bar and to that DARLING boy, Skillman, Tillman...whatever the hell his name is, I want him to know that he is forgiven for Christmas eve..." and before I could say or do anything she made her way to the bar...Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins were next (they looked great, BTW), and after their arrival it was just a non-stop parade of who's who in Tinsel Town coming to meet the new flavor of the month...Those damn bug-eyed Olson Twins were on-hand and Sandra Bullock kept trying to get them to eat something...Tom Hanks showed up after the Grammys and made a beeline for Stillman telling him that he wanted him to audition for a supporting role in his next film ... When David Spade and Rob Schneider wormed their way in, an already toasted Dunaway cried out, "Oh look everyone, the C-Lister's have arrived! Come to check coats, have you boys?" Meanwhile, Stillman was playing the role of humble super-star to the nth degree. Remaining pleasant and understated, he received Hollywood royalty like a pro, and I was damn proud of the kid!

When my attorney, Saul Rabinowitz and his date, Courtney Love sauntered in, I knew it was time to double check the guest list ... I did not have much time to do this when Hank yanked me into the foyer to tell me that Liza Minnelli was on her way ... we put our heads together and worked out a plan; Hank would keep an eye on the door and ring my cell phone when Liza with a Z showed, that would be my cue to somehow separate Scarlett from Eric to, hopefully, avoid any fireworks ...what the fuck, it was a plan.

Dashing back into the living room, I nearly tripped over Doris Roberts who was passed out in front of the fireplace. Gingerly stepping over her, I milled amongst the guests and pressed the flesh and air-kissed those who needed to be air kissed and just barely avoided the drunken gropings of Keira Knightley,(she's been begging me to do some work on her new script for weeks now) smiling politely and laughing it off, another grope came from Colin Firth, who was sucking down the Guinness Stout like it was going to be outlawed, "Blimey, mate," he slurred while he tried to grab my crotch, "Who do you have to shag to get some food around here..." I pointed him in the direction of the dining room where Wolfgang was setting up the buffet and wished him well ... I then passed Spade and Schneider who were taking the guests coats into the den... then I came face to face with Carrie Fisher(thank god), and she took my hand and pulled me aside and said, "Dex, this Stillman kid is a god-send! My god, he's so cute in a dewy-eyed kind of way...say is it true that all of girlfriends turn gay? Poor Scarlett," she laughed, we both laughed and flopped on to the sofa and lit a couple of cigarettes and dished the rest of the guests...just as we were watching Sandra Bullock trying to force a canape into one of the Olson Twin's pouty mouth's my cell rang once...it was zero hour!

I gave Carrie a quick peck on the cheek and dashed over to the bar where Eric and Scarlett where going for refills... I tapped the man of the hour on the shoulder and said, "Mind if I borrow your date?" Stillman smiled and said, "Be careful with her, old man, she's one in a million!" I grinned and then got in close and whispered into his ear, "Watch your back, son, Liza is here", and with that I whisked his lovely little ingenue on to the dance floor where we tripped the light fantastic...several of the guests commented on her dress and wanted to know who her designer was...so far so good, Scarlett is a delight and she kept thanking me for introducing her to Eric, I told her it was my pleasure...

And then I heard the gun-shots.

Screams rang through the house and in unison, everyone turned to the center of the room where we saw my housekeeper, Guadalupe and Xavier Gomez where facing another man who had a gun trained on the both of them; "¡Bastardo, usted no merece el amor de esta mujer hermosa! " It was Juan Covier, another one of the co-stars of "El Grande..." It seems that Covier had also been trying to woo my housekeeper, and now that he'd lost his heart, he was going to kill the man who'd woo'd and won Guadalupe...another shot rang out as Covier yelled out, "¡Usted debe morir!", he'd fired his gun into the air...just then I caught site of Stillman running over to the threesome and I figured I'd better get over there quick and help. Stillman leapt through the air and just like his name-sake super hero, he did a high kick, succsefully knocking the gun out of Covier's hand... the .45 soared up into the air and I managed to catch it but not before it went off again causing the guests to disperse in panic...

Once more, I found myself in the middle of a mob scene as people ran for the exits...I looked for Hank, and saw him by the patio door trying to manage the crowd ... I ran over to him and we dashed into the yard... while inside our house, bedlam ruled...

An hour later, after the police left and took Covier with them, Hank and I sat in the living room, surveying the damage...the only guest who remained was Faye Dunaway, she was sipping her umpteenth martini and proclaimed, "Darling boys, tonight is what I call a party! Trust me, no one is going to forget this evening! And that Trillman fellow is going to be bigger than Warren Beatty", and with that she fell flat on her face next to Doris Roberts...

"Oh man, Dex, wait until the National Enquirer gets a hold of this story", Hank said laughing..."Come on, let's soak in the hot tub"...and as we made our way on to the patio we both heard something, a kind of squealing coming from the pool house. I shrugged my shoulders and walked on over to the cabana, Hank following, and opened the door and flicked on the light...

Somethings, no one is meant to see; but we saw it nonetheless. There was Stillman and Liza caught in flagrante delicto... Stillman reached for a blanket and covered up Minnelli and himself and said, "Oh, hi guys ... uh, what can I say? I think this is the real thing! Dex could you break the news to Scarlett? Thanks, you're aces, old man".

I closed the door and Hank helped me to the chaise lounge where I collapsed in a heap and then we both laughed our asses off...

Only in Hollywood, Kids!

Lemonade

2006-02-08T09:51:00.000-08:00

You probably have already read about it in Variety, or maybe saw the story on Entertainment Tonight ... it's all true. Former double for Macaulay Culkin, former stunt-man and former paramour of every sexually confused woman in Tinsel Town, Eric Stillman, has been nominated for an Academy Award for Male Lead in a Foreign Film ... more so, his movie, "El Grande Supra!" has been nominated for Foreign Film of The Year... Yes, yes and YES: fortune has smiled on The S-Man and is showing it's pearly whites, blinding the rest of us...now I don't want to brag, but I've been Stillman's greatest supporter since I met him on the set of "Scream 2" (where he was Jerry O'Connell's stunt double)...and while he's had his ups and downs in this crazy business we call, show, his star has finally ascended to dizzying heights ... for instance, as I write this, Stillman is currently working on a little project called, "The King of Denial"; a film that Drew Barrymore is producing and starring in with him, as a matter of fact, after she watched "El Grande Supra!" she requested a meeting with Stillman personally and was so taken with the talented lad she immediately signed him up to be her co-star! I am also happy to report that Stillman is now seeing Scarlett Johansson and they seem to be hitting it off pretty damn well! Of course there is still that issue with Liza Minnelli ... you see, Stillman is from the old-school, and while he is clearly smitten with Scarlett, well, he feels indebted to Liza as she paid his legal fees and also talked Faye Dunaway into not filing a lawsuit after what happened at her Holiday Party (SEE HERE FOR DETAILS). Meanwhile, I've had my hands full trying to get the kid situated ... luckily my lawyer, Saul Rabinowitz managed to get Stillman his S.A.G. card, and then I put in a call to William Morris and had my old agent, Wilma Stonecutter, represent him (Wilma is a tough old broad, and a damn good agent who'll look after her client's best interests ... I owe that old harpy big time for everything she did for me back in the day).

This morning, while reading the dailies, the phone rang and Hank got it, we were sitting across from each other at the breakfast table and I watched as Mr. Man rolled his eyes and put his hand over the receiver while he said to me, "It's Tom Cruise ... again! He wants to talk to Eric...again!" I laughed and whispered back, "Be firm, Hank tell that bitch that, A: Eric does not want to go to a Scientology meeting, and B: HE DON'T SWING THAT WAY!", We both began laughing so hard that Hank could almost not finish the call ... fucking Cruise, like a vulture that smells fresh meat. Later on another call came in, this one was from Madonna, she wanted Eric's cell number, I gave her Sandra Bernhardt's number instead -- much like Cruise, Madonna smells fresh meat also and is always ready to pounce on it (I guess those rumors are true).

Meanwhile, I've been busier than Katie Holmes sperm-donor trying to doctor about a half a dozen new scripts, keeping tags on Matt Perry (did you hear about his new project? Sound familiar????) ... am also head over heals thrilled that my buddy, Matt Dillon coped an Oscar nomination for "Crash" -- I knew some day he'd get his due! Way to go Matt! And to think, he almost appeared in "Disco Nation" with yours truly!!!... I also have to give props to my housekeeper, Guadalupe who, it seems has found true love with one of the other stars of "El Grande Supra!" Yes, it seems that Miss G. and Xavier Gomez have been canoodling ! Ain't love grand?

Well, it's about ninety in the shade today, so I am sitting by the pool, sipping a lemonade while putting the finishing touches on tonight's party at my place. Hank and I decided that it was time to give Mr. Stillman a proper Hollywood introduction, so tonight, Casa Baxter-Azaria will be rocking; nothing but names, kids (all the B-list crowd will be at the Grammys). So, I will post on the nights festivities as soon as I can.

This is Dex Baxter, over and out (for now).

Hot Buttered Rum and Popcorn

2006-01-22T17:52:00.000-08:00

Greetings from Park City Utah!

The Sundance Film Festival is in full swing, kids and this town is hopping. It's Hollywood In Wool Hats!

The hotel that Hank and I are staying at is just a stone's throw from downtown so we've managed to make it to almost all of the screenings so far ... of course the one we were most jazzed about seeing was the festival premiere of "El Grande Supra"... my god, kids, what can I tell you about this film? Defying all odds, this celluloid atrocity had the audience on their feet cheering, and the critics falling over themselves to come up with superlatives to recommend it! My good buddy, Eric Stillman OWNS this piece, as the tortured superhero who was born of Mormon missionaries who are murdered in Mexico by bandits and is then raised by Pancho Villa's great, great grand daughter...and then on his twenty first birthday is abducted by aliens and then returned to earth with superhuman powers that he uses to protect the citizens of his sleepy backwater, Nacho Via Skumdum...oy vey, who'd have thunk it? Nonetheless, it's the toast of Park City and Stillman is the man of the hour!

At one of the parties that Miramax was hosting (they will be distributing the film) body guards were hired to protect Stillman ... crazy! Hank and I had to put him up at our room for the past few days because of the press, as well as Liza Minnelli who is in town trying to hunt him down (as you might recall, she and Stillman were an item for a few minutes last December after Faye Dunaway's ill-fated Christmas Eve party), and Miss Liza is not one to be toyed with, just ask David Gest! Any hoots, I for one am thrilled that Stillman is finally getting the attention he deserves.

Spent yesterday on the slopes with Hank and Sting and Trudie .... have not been skiing in ages, but, frost bite be damned, we had a great time ... later on in the lodge, Scarlett Johanson asked me for Stillman's phone number. I slipped her the digits but told her to watch out for Liza (man that would be a hellacious cat fight!) ... later on Sting, Hank, Trudie, and I went to a screening of "Thank You For Smoking"...in the men's room, Robert Downey Jr. asked me if I had any blow, I gave him a line of foot powder, and boy howdy, he snorted a line of it and smiled! I felt good, knowing that I was merely providing an illusion of his addiction to him ... after the movie, we went to a party where I bumped into James Van Der Beek and we talked about his stalled career...poor kid, I think he'd do gay-pron for some exposure these days... found out later, that he was parking cars during the day and shopping around some little indie film he was working on ... so sad, but he's a good kid, he'll bounce back!

Last night, Mister Man and I went to a screening and I bumped into Tim Hutton...it was uncomfortable to say the least...Tim and I were roommates for a while back in the day and I don't think he's ever really gotten over me; not to sound all conceded about it, but Tim is a pretty clingy fellow and once he laid eyes on me, he got all puppy dog and I thought Hank was going to go ballistic and make a scene, luckily I talked Hanky down and took Tim aside and in the lobby of the theatre we talked about the old days and I slipped him Deborah Winger's unlisted home phone number in the hopes that he'd obsess over her again instead of me, that seemed to do the trick and the rest of the evening went off with out a hitch!

This morning, Hank, Eric, Greg Kinnear, Edward Norton and your's truly took to the slopes ... yes fans that is me with the yellow and black ski-jacket and Stillman is sporting the Santa Claus hat that Scarlett gave him the night before! After a great morning, we headed back to town for seven more screenings as well as an evening of parties...tonight, as I settled into my seat at The Egyptian to watch yet another documentary film on the plight of transgendered nuns from Siberia, and sipped a hot buttered rum while munching some popcorn, I thought to myself, what have I done to deserve this dream life?

Pretzels and Beer

2006-01-18T01:40:00.000-08:00

What a night, boy and girls! Here are some photos I shot at Monday night's Golden Globe Awards:

*The 2006 Golden Globes are history, and my good pal, Eric Stillman brought home the gold when he won for best performance in a foreign comedy or musical as the lead in, "El Grande Supra" Here is Eric with his trophy!

*As you know his date for the night was my housekeeper, Gudalupe. Here she is just seconds after Eric's name was announced as the winner!

*Earlier in the night, yours truly posed with my old friend, Emma Thompson.

*Even though security was very tight some homeless people wandered in off of Sunset Blvd... but this is Hollywood, and everyone was made to feel welcome feasting on the pretzels and beer that were were set up on every table!

* It was not just the homeless people ... this hooker kept showing up ... I am not sure who she was with but somebody was sure slumming for a date last night!

* Trouble in paradise: Poor Matthew Broderick, his wife Sarah Jessica really gave him an earful when she found him sitting in Nathan Lane's lap... little Miss SexInTheCity snatched her cute hubby off his "Producers" co-star, and pulled him aside where she made him promise that he'd behave...

* Eric McCormack's pants kept falling down when ever he stood next to his "Will and Grace" co-star, Sean ('I Am Straight') Hayes.

* I made the mistake of bringing my attorney, Saul Rabinowitz with me ... Saul's a great guy, but after a few glasses of cheap champagne he accosted Harrison Ford yelling, "Mashugana! Look at this suit, that fit is awful, my brother Morty could have done a better job, come here let me fix those pockets!"

Mini Crab Cakes with Mango Salsa

2006-01-15T09:15:00.000-08:00

Well slap me on the butt and call me, Tom Cruise! It looks like El Grande Supra is going to play Sundance next week!!

Yes, Eric Stillman's quickie action flick shot south of the border is the critic's darling this year...word is that a Golden Globe will be hoisted on the Mexican Superhero flick tomorrow night as well...the phone's been ringing off the hook here with people trying to get an interview with the elusive star of the epic ... Paramount is in a bidding war with FOX over the American rights as they want to re-film it with Hugh Jackman in the lead ... Disney wants to turn it into an animated feature... and Hasbro toys sent a rep over to do a body cast on Stillman so that they can get out some action figures that McDonald's will give away with Happy Meals when the film goes into general release!

I managed to get my lawyer, Saul Rabinowitz, to represent Stillman in his host of legal problems; so far things seem to be going smooth, the only fly in the ointment is that damn Colombian Drug Cartel - my maid, Guadalupe, says that she has some connections and, provided I set her up on a date with Stillman, she'll be able to stop anything bad from happening by placing two phone calls to Mexico City... (so guess who Stillman will be taking to the awards show tomorrow?) -- frankly I think the whole thing will go swimmingly provided I manage to keep Liza Minnelli out of the loop (damn but Liza is cuckoo for the S Man!).

In other news, I've been busier than Lindsay Lohan's coke dealer... between juggling Stillman's legal problems and Matthew Perry's drinking binges (I know, but he's a good guy, and I am a loyal kind of guy, so what are ya' gonna do?), I've also been hard at work on the new Ben Affleck script; it's a bio-pic about the life of Andy Warhol -- I mean, who comes up with this crap? -- But Ben is committed and is losing about fifty pounds, will shave his head, and wear a white fright wig for the part...Also, I've been in contact with Sonia Braga who has a script that she is just gaga over; she's going to play a woman who lives in a large North Eastern City who is a loving mother and housewife by day, and a sexy, poet spouting hell raiser by night...I think this property is the money, baby!

Had lunch today with Meryl Streep at The Derby and she was going on and on about her latest film, and If if wasn't a gentleman I'd have made some kind of excuse and left her at her table, but that's showbiz. I politely sat, while nibbling mini crab cakes with mango salsa, and pretended to be interested in her new movie (a musical about Trenton New Jersey tentatively titled, "The World Takes!". No body is going to see this turkey, but it sure will garner a boat-load of awards, count on that ... after lunch I bumped in to Tom Arnold (now here's a clown who lucked out big time), and we discussed the passing of Shelly Winters...Tom was late for his meeting at Over Eaters Anonymous so we cut our chat short...driving down Sunset, I caught site of Nick Brendon making his way into the Starbucks, what a shame about his new show, Kitchen Confidential it does not look like FOX is going to give this show a chance after all, but I think Nick will bounce back ... say did I ever tell you all how Brendon got his real break in this town? No? Well, maybe another day... let's just say he worked hard for that role on Buffy and leave it at that...

Dom Perignon

2006-01-06T15:01:00.000-08:00

"I fucking love Hollywood" - Taye Diggs

Have you ever played twister, half naked, with Gael Garcia Bernal?

How about blind man's bluff in the all-together with Anderson Cooper and Nate Berkus?

Ever played Mad-Libs, in a steam bath, while a drunken Jeremy Piven keeps falling over you saying, "Let's hug it out, man!"

Well, yes I have, thanks for asking. It all happened on New Year's Eve when Hank and I hosted our annual Hollywood Bachelor's Party at the Beverly Wilshire...we took two adjoining suites and a boat load of bachelors, wanna-be-bachelors and sudden bachelors crowded into our suite of rooms ... the place was lousy with sauced actors and other celebs who wanted nothing more than to come in out of the torrential rains outside and get warm and comfy with their brothers-in-art.

When Hollywood thinks no one is looking, things tend to get a bit crazy, for sure ... There's Taye Diggs arm-wrestling Chris Isaak (Diggs won), here's Ben trying to get reacquainted with Matt (don't get me started on those two fucking bitches!), meanwhile Shemar Moore keeps walking out on the terrace in his boxer shorts singing "It's Raining Men" (he's got a great voice), and then Topher Grace and Greg Kinnear are comparing notes on Ashton Kutcher ( they both agreed that Demi has her work cut out for her)...

As I sat next to Hank, who kept telling me dirty jokes in his Moe the Bartender voice (Mr. Man was feeling very frisky), and enjoyed some of the Mexican weed we'd received from Eric Stillman on Christmas, I watched as George Clooney closed a deal on his cell phone while Mark Whalberg kept trying to get George's belt off from around his pants ... Clooney really had his hand's full, that guy is Mister MultiTasking!

After midnight, with most of the party crowd in various states of undress and in somewhat compromising positions, a phone call came from the front desk that Geraldo Rivera was trying to find out what room we were all in. Anderson Cooper took the call and sent them to the second floor where Drew Barrymore was hosting the Hollywood Bachelorette party ... walking through one of the bedrooms I found Chris Isaak sitting nude on a bed, strumming his six-string, next to him, out like a light, was Piven who was dead to the world... then Hank found me and grabbed my arm and we found our way to the sunken bathtub in one of the bathrooms and we broke open a bottle of Dom Perignon, and toasted in the new year while soaking in a decadent bubble bath ... yes, I fell off the wagon for a few minutes, but it was worth it, and I only had one glass of the bubbly... emerging from the bath, we threw on some terrycloth robes and went back to the party and found Matthew Perry naked on top of the piano belting out, "Stout Hearted Men", Matt was in fine voice and found several men of stout heart to oblige him later ... oh, then we played Twister, that Gael Garcia Bernal is one double-jointed dude, let me tell ya! That was followed by a rather raucous game of blind man's bluff (don't ask), and at around four o clock, most of the guests retired to the steam room to blow off some steam, that's when Piven woke up, and still drunk, kept falling over everyone ...

Finally at around six, most of the guests left and Hank and I crashed out...I woke up around noon and surveyed the damage. Good Christ the place looked like a storm had gone through. It was then that I heard water running and when I went into the bathroom, I found Taye Diggs in an inner-tube floating in the sunken bathtub, "Great fucking party", he said to me smiling, "I fucking love Hollywood"!

No argument there.

Spicy Taco Sauce

2005-12-31T11:09:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year's Eve from cloudy, rainy and cool Hollywood - our rainy season has begun; it should be over by Thursday though.

Am just about to dash over to the Beverly Wilshire where Hank and I will be hosting our annual "Hollywood Bachelor's New Year's Eve Party" - more on that in a future post...

...but for now...

...how many times have I been cracking that old joke about Ricky Martin and his South Beach adventures? Oh I don't know... maybe a hunderd times (check out a lot of my early postings and you'll come across them).

With that in mind. What do we make of photos like these:

Yes that is Mr. Martin and a friend...it might be his brother, or his trainer... I have have a brother, and a trainer, and I can safely say, I've never done anything like this with either of them (OK well there was that "motivational guide" I fooled around with in '90 - but that' was a whole other thing..)

OK, here's Ricky and and his brother or trainer engaging in some sort of synchronized swimming or maybe they want to bring back that June Taylor style of dancing ...

And this one, well this one is priceless as Ricky proves that even he can ~~be a top~~ do push ups in the sand...

If you want to see more check out A Socialite's Life.

...and with that, I am out. Have a safe and happy New Year's Eve all!!!

Plum Pudding

2005-12-26T15:19:00.000-08:00

Seasons Greetings From Sunny Hollywood!

Been so busy this past week, and we've been hosting a few house guests so things have been hectic to say the least...where to begin?

Faye Dunaway's Christmas Eve party.

Like always Faye outdid herself with this bash, Hank and I arrived around eight and had to park our car three blocks away and walk to Casa Dunaway. Upon arriving at her house, the artificial snow machines were going full blast turning her lawn and garden into a virtual winter wonderland; automated wooden soldiers marched back and forth across the promenade which was decorated with imported Vermont holly and evergreens, and a choir of fifty singers dressed in Dickensian garb stood by the front door greeting each guest with Christmas carols.

Inside, the hostess, dressed in a red velvet Channel original with a plunging neck line swept over to us and gave us both air kisses and proclaimed, "Darling boys, please into the ball-room with you both! EVERYONE is here and it's complete holiday madness!"

To say that this party was overwhelming was an understatement; Brian Setzer and his big-band and orchestra provided music on a make shift stage; scantily clad Santa's, borrowed from the Beverly Center, served food and drink and catering was supplied by Wolfgang Puck ...like usual, Faye plays it low key when entertaining, "Tax write-off, darlings!" she claims.

While at the bar getting a diet Coke, I bumped into Jason Bateman who was as sauced as a Christmas goose, he put his arms around me and slurred, "Dex Fucking Baxter! How the fuck are you, man?" I told him I was fine and asked how the wife and kids were doing to which he replied, "Sent them out of town, are you going to the Sheldrake Room later for the Xmas party?" I nodded in the affirmative while he sucked down another spiked egg nog, "Alrighty then, so I will see you there then. Now I have to go find those assholes from FOX and see what I can do about saving my critically acclaimed but hardly watched sitcom..." I pointed him in the direction of a couple of suits and wished him well ... sipping on my diet Coke, Hank came over with Matthew Perry, who apparently was also into the egg nog, "Look who I found at the bar by the pool!" he said.

"Matt, did you fall off the wagon again?" I asked. He just looked at me with those puppy dog eyes of his and said, "Sorry, Anderson Cooper won't return my calls..." While he blathered I called Ramon on the cell and asked him to come and collect Perry and to keep him away from the liquor cabinet... that squared away, I took Hank's arm and we mingled...

...On the patio, a huge Bill O'Reily pinata hung and I watched as a blindfolded George Clooney beat at that thing until it burst spilling out loofah sponges...Portia de Rossi was dancing with Ellen Degeneres in the ball room ... Jenifer Anniston and Vince Vaughn were roaring drunk on a sofa as they discussed china patterns - good luck, kids ... Doris Roberts, true to form, was passed out at the doorway of the downstairs powder room, Hank and I tried to move her, but she had a death grip on a bottle of Muscatel and the other hand held on to the door jam for dear life...

When Hank and I went out to the veranda to get some air we noticed some guy dressed in a poncho and sombrero lurking near the barbecue pit. Hank was about to call 911 as well as the Border Patrol when I stopped him, "Wait a second, I'd know that gait anywhere!", and with that the poncho wearing guest came from the shadows and said, "Baxter, old fellow! Man, I am in way over my head..." It was Eric Stillman.

We hustled him into the pool house to keep anyone else from seeing him. Word is all over tinsel town about Stillman running afoul of the mob, and then getting in deep with some Colombian drug cartel while in Mexico while shooting El Grande Supra!

Hank found a Santa Claus suit and tossed it to him, "Put this on, and try to be as unobtrusive as you can, OK? We'll hide you out at our place."

Before the three of us went back into the party, Stillman produced the fattest joint I've seen since I was at one of Dennis Hopper's beach parties back in the late 70's. "This maryjane is primo, guys! Mexican! It'll make you see god!", he said firing up the joint - we smoked it and boy howdy, we had to support each other like a trio of drunken sailors back into the party.

After this everything becomes something of a blur. I tend to recall being pulled under the mistletoe by either Madonna or Gwen Stefani, and later on seeing Hank doing the limbo with Robert DeNiro; and then what to my blood-shot eyes should appear? Stillman Claus sitting on a chair on the stage of the ballroom with a heavily inebriated Dunaway perched in his lap. I could hear Dunaway braying, "Now Santa, darling, can I see what you have in your pants? I've been a very good girl this year!"

Stillman, the ham-bone, was eating this up. He had a spray of mistletoe in his left hand raised up over Faye's head, and just as she was about to tear the beard from his face, revealing his true identity to all at the party, a voice boomed out from across the room;"¿Dónde la cogida es Eric Stillman? ¡Vamos a matarle!" (which loosely translated means, Where the fuck is Eric Stillman we are here to kill him).

I turned and saw a group of Colombian men, all the size of small gorillas, and just as one of them reached into his jacket for a gun, Dunaway rose from Santa's lap and howled, "Raoul, Is that you, ya' lousy wetback! You screwed my beautiful lawn up with your two-bit gardening service! I called the I.N.S.!!! Don't fuck with me, Compañeros!!!"

The Columbians high-tailed for the door, but so did the guests, in fact it soon became total bedlam. I was looking around trying to find Hank and Eric when I saw the LAPD come storming in through the patio doors. I felt a hand reach out and yank me; It was Hank and he said, "Come on Dex, let's get out of here!"

We dashed through a doorway and found our way into the garage and there was Stillman, still in his Santa drag making out with Liza Minnelli. "Say fellows", he said wiping Liza's ruby red lipstick from his face, "She's had several gay husbands, I've had several lesbian girlfriends, we are soul-mates!" We did not wait around and hustled him out of the garage as Liza cried out, "Santa don't leave, I know a great lawyer!!!"

The three of us charged down Mulholland Drive to the car whooping and yelping like madcap college kids after a panty raid.

Back home, I set up Stillman in the attic and told him to lay low until I can figure this all out, and whatever he did, not to call Liza!

Later on having Eric stashed away safely and checking in on Matt Perry who was sawing wood in the guest house, we changed and then went to The Sheldrake Room for the annual Xmas Eve party.

Anthony Kiedis was riding his skate board on the bar when we got there and Jason Bateman was playing "strip"gin with Taye Diggs ... a feast was set up next to the bar, and, still feeling the effects of that weed from earlier, I must have ate a pound of the plum pudding...Clooney and Mark Wahlberg were bobbing for apples with Colin Farell (fresh out of Betty Ford), just then I was overcome by the smell of Aqua Velva aftershave and a rather beefy hand landed on my shoulder, I turned to discover James Gandolfini standing behind me, "Baxter, how you doin' ya' sonofabitch? Merry Christmas" and I was treated to a Tony Soprano-style bear hug (James and I go way back)...a few moments later I saw HBO's mob boss and Kiedis disappear into the back room. I was about to go to the bar to get a diet Coke when Hank grabbed me around the waist whispered into my ear that he was beat and maybe we should call it a night. I nodded my head and asked him to go get the car, I'd be there in a second.

Just before I left, I peeked into the back room and caught Ray Romano and Zach Braff enjoying themselves (it was only a matter of time, I figured), and I took a picture of them with my cell phone camera.

Ah Hollywood, the real city of Brotherly Love!

++++++

Christmas Morning.

I woke to the sound of screams coming from the kitchen. I jumped up from bed and dashed down to find Guadalupe in a tizzy standing in front of the refrigerator holding the holiday ham in her hands and saying, "Mister Dexter, Look, something ate this, tore this meat like the demon! I think the Chupacabra has found us, Madre Mia..." When she finally calmed down I told her that we had a few guests staying and that it was obvious that Mr. Stillman must have had a midnight snack.

"El Grande Supra is here?" she said suddenly going from hysterical to coquettish, "He is so handsome, Mister Dexter".

"Guadalupe, are you blushing?" I asked laughing. And handed over a check with a hefty holiday bonus to my sterling house keeper, "Here, Merry Christmas, take the rest of the day off".

Later that morning Hank and I exchanged gifts. I handed him the keys to his Benz which was parked in the driveway covered in a huge red bow, and Mr. Man told me to close my eyes as he led me to the garage and showed me what he'd bought me; a refurbished, 57 Bel Air. I can't wait to open that baby up on the PCH!

We took coffee in the den and were joined by Stillman who gave us both a couple of boxes of Cuban cigars and a couple of pounds of that pot we'd enjoyed last night. Then Matt stumbled in and shocked us all by bestowing a complete line of Haines t-shirts and underwear for the three of us...

Yes, it was a memory filled couple of days, but it was nice to relax with friends and loved ones and enjoy a stress free Christmas...now it's about two AM the day after Xmas and I am reading this fascinating script idea that Stillman handed over; all about this c-list actor and his misadventures with lesbians and drug cartels - it sucks! And it's going to make millions; Liza Minnelli has promised to put up the money for production costs...

...god bless us everyone.

Pomegranate and Vanilla Power Shakes

2005-12-13T18:39:00.000-08:00

It's madness I tell ya!

You might have heard about Lillo Brancato, the young actor from "A Bronx Tale" as well as, "The Soprano's" was recently arrested for shooting a cop in (where else?) the Bronx! Did you know that he was friendly with Drea de Matteo who is currently dating my good buddy, Eric Stillman. So, what does this all mean? Well first, Stillman got spooked and took off to Mexico where he is appearing in a film entitled, "El Grande Supra!" - which, from what I understand, is a movie about a Mexican super hero. Stillman is working under the name of "Enrique Rodriquez" - the guy is convinced that if he does not lay low, he might end up sleeping with the fishes. To make matters worse, it seems that Drea is dropping hints with the press that she might be bisexual (LOOK HERE I AINT MAKING THIS UP)...as you know, Stillman has a way of changing straight women into lesbians...poor guy, I hope he's OK.

Meanwhile, here at Casa Baxter, we've been decking the halls. Hank chose a tasteful blue spruce for the foyer as well as two Aspen pines, one for the living room and the other for the rumpus room. We went a little retro this year and trimmed out the trees in bubble lights and miniature cocktail glasses. Gosh, I love the holidays!

Speaking of which, the invitation to Faye Dunaway's Holiday Ball arrived last week and we RSVP'd ... of course, it won't be same what with poor Colin Farrell back in rehab, he's always the life of the party ... sad also to hear that Pamela Anderson's pole dance was cut from that Elton John special, as you know, Pam is no stranger to bumping and grinding around stiff rods; come to mention it, neither is Elton...hung out with Scott Baio the other night at The Viper Room and while Scotty sucked down gin and tonics, and I nursed a diet Dr. Pepper we toasted the fact that "Disco Nation" will NOT be seeing the light of day thanks to Linda Blair's law-suit, later on Baio and I bumped into C. Thomas Howell in the bathroom who was doing a line of coke off of Mackenzie Phillips' thigh, after that CT joined Baio and I for a cup of coffee at Denny's on Sunset Blvd where we reminisced over that night at the Sheldrake Room back in 1991 when Kirk Cameron was given the nickname, 'Hoover'...we toasted the memory of little Mike Seaver and his legendary lips (of course you never heard it from me, but these days little Mister Goodie Two Shoes is legendary for propositioning body-builders down on Venice Beach ... I snapped this photo of him last week while he was passing out his phone number to the beefcake on display...)

Mr. Man is so busy these days; between "The Simpson's" and his Showtime series, "Huff", the guy has been running himself ragged. He does not know this yet, but I just got word that his Christmas gift has arrived, I am hiding his new Benz over at David Blaine's garage. Cost me a pretty penny, but I think he's worth it... I also booked us a suite at the The Regent Beverly Wilshire for New Year's Eve; we are planning a private soiree for some of the Hollywood Bachelors and the staff at the Regent is very discreet ... last year on New Year's we hosted a clothing optional beer bust that caused the police to arrive...let's just say were it not for the hotel's concierge slipping L.A.'s finest some sawbucks, you might have read about the whole sordid affair in the National Enquirer

Today I Fed Exd three scripts over to Columbia and was happy to cash eight checks from Paramount and Metro; yeah, it was a good day... Went to the club for a work out and bumped into John Cusack; we chatted while using the stair master and then retired to the indoor pool for a quiet lunch. Cusack's been busy and he's very happy for Jeremy Piven and his success on "Entourage"... while lounging we indulged in a couple of pomegranate and vanilla power shakes while we discussed the obscenity that is Mariah Carey and her Grammy nominations, "Who's dick is she sucking?" Cusack asked while floating in his inflatable lounge chair, I nodded in agreement and floated in my own water chair while the glass roof of the Beverly Hills Health Club revealed a cobalt blue sky free of any clouds...

Wedding Cake

2005-12-02T20:09:00.000-08:00

Bets are being made all through tinsel town today as to when Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie will tie the knot; some say it will be any minute now, while others are claiming that it is has already occurred. Whatever the case, I have a Champ HP3 Blender wrapped and ready to ship when the announcement becomes official...

How about them crazy kids? Jolie, no doubt, is one of the hottest broads to grace the silver screen since Liz Taylor slinked across it in her white bra and slip in "Cat on a Hot Tin Roof"; the fact that she took Pitt away from the gorgeous Jennifer Aniston makes her the new Liz and leaves Jen as this generation's Debbie Reynolds I suppose...

As for Mr. Pitt. What I can I tell you America? He's lived the American Dream. Coming from a small town in Missouri, the kid came out here in the mid-80's, got his teeth fixed, met the right people and the rest is history. Now, I don't want to start any tongues a wagging, but I knew him back when. He was doing little roles in TV shows and few bit parts in films when we crossed paths. I immediately saw in him a spark and took him under my wing for a bit and after I was convinced of his talents I put in a word for him with Ridley Scott and faster than you can say, "Thelma and Louise" he got the role that made him famous. I remember saying to Scott, "Keep his pants tight, his shirt off and his dialogue simple and you'll make this kid a star."

Was I right?

***

Things have been busy around here lately, plus I was laid up with a stomach flu for a few days; meanwhile Hank's been at the studio doing a slew of voice work for some up-coming episodes of "The Simpson's"... Guadalupe's son, Ramon, ran over to Paramount and picked up the scripts that I was working on which included a come-back picture for Whitney Houston called, "A Mother's Love", which, if you can believe it, is a re-make of "Mildred Pierce"!! Brandy is supposed to play her obnoxious daughter ... let me tell you this thing stinks to high heaven, it will probably make box-office history! Carrie Fisher called me this morning with the news that Doris Roberts was arrested for a drunk and disorderly outside of The Vista theater on Sunset Blvd last night...Woody Allen stopped over last night and I was thrilled to see him (some of you might recall that Mr. Man worked for Allen in "Celebrity")...anyway, Allen was in town celebrating his 70th birthday at a Lakers game and dropped off a quart of chicken soup he'd brought all the way from Katz's Delicatessen in Manhattan, "It's good for what ails ya!" he told me as he left to go pick up the little woman who was spending the day at Disneyland...Matt LeBlanc is said to be very angry over NBC pulling his sit-com, "Joey" off of it's Thursday night line up; called my pal Eric Stillman (who as you may recall has announced his engagement to "Joey" co-star Drea de Matteo, but I still can't get through to him. Last I heard he and Drea were somewhere in Greece scouting nuptial locations!

Felt much better on Saturday and went for a brief jog this morning, passed Faye Dunaway's house which is being readied for her annual Christmas Ball. Snow making machines are hidden behind monolithic faux igloos, while a seventy seven foot high Aspen pine decorated with Tiffany ornaments and six thousand strands of imported Italian lighting was flanked by six imported Bavarian snowmen... saw Dunaway on the south lawn of her place raising hell with the one of the workers who were installing a replica of Grand Central Station complete with a working miniature rail road; "Look, fella, if you can't do it right then go back to where ever the hell you came from!!" With that she caught site of me and called out, "Dex darling! Your invitation is in the mail!"... passed Matt Dillon who was running in the opposite direction, high-fived him as he called out, "How they hanging, Baxter?"...saw Phil Spector standing on his roof with a high-powered rifle, thought it best to take a short cut, across Billy Campbell's lawn and managed not to set off his alarm system...

Got home and took a call from Hank who said we have a couple of passes to see "Bareback Mountain "Brokeback Mountain" with Jake Gyllenhaal and Heath Ledger; finally, a romance film for the rest of us!! Now you never heard me say this, kids, but inasmuch as Brad and Angie met and fell in love on the set of "Mr. and Mrs. Smith", who says the same thing can't happen to these two sweethearts? I'm just asking!

Whole Cranberry Sauce

2005-11-25T04:31:00.000-08:00

It's a day late, but Happy Turkey Day all!

Before I start, I just want everyone to know that Matthew Perry is doing great. He fell off the wagon for a time there, but things are looking up for our favorite "Friend" -- maybe you've seen his Haines Spot with Michael Jordan...well, those checks have been rolling in as well as the residuals from his old sit com so anyone that says, "Money can't be happiness" might be right, but it sure helps regaining ones sobriety.

Hank got back from Canada on Tuesday and we decided to order out for Thanksgiving and have a few of the "Hollywood Bachelors" over for a little dinner. Guadalupe had the day off so I had to hire a few servers and bartenders for our little soiree ... also, had to take a run to Albertson's on Sunset Blvd and pick up a couple of cans of whole cranberry sauce ... bumped into Brandon Frasier and his wife who were fetching a pre-cooked turkey...before he became a family man, Brandon was quite the party boy in L.A.; many's the event I went to in the early 90's where Frazier would be doing laps in some producer's pool; but success and father hood have settled down the wild boy of yesteryear and I am happy to report that aside from the thinning hair and expanding waist, he looks great!

Also saw Joan Rivers and her daughter shopping for Popsicle sticks, "Binge and purge, Missy!" Rivers was screeching as they made their way, "You can't afford to gain any weight with awards season coming up!!!" -- Poor Melisa, the kid must weigh all of sixty pounds these days ... Melanie Griffith looked fab as she led her kids down the frozen foods aisle, when she saw me she waved me over and said she was heading out to Aspen for a little reunion with Don Johnson while Antonio is in Spain working on a film ... in the check out cue I saw Benjamin Bratt looking into a mirror checking himself out, he looked over and smiled and waved and then went back to his doppelganger, self absorbed narcissist that he is (I knew him way back when, before the face-lifts, the liposuction and the hair plugs; unbelievable twit, that one).

When I got home I saw that that the spread had been set by the staff we hired ... Hank was in the garden smoking a Cuban and I joined him and he gave me a little wrapped box which I opened to reveal a 18K Solid Gold i830 cell phone! I was so happy I flipped, "You can't believe what I went through to get you that", he told me smiling.

At around two the guests arrived. Eric Roberts was the first. Now, Eric is a great guy, no matter what you might have heard, and provided you don't mention his sister, he is good company and very entertaining...Eric and I met many moons ago when we were both young and hungry out here in movie-land ... everyone thought he was going to be the next big thing when "King of the Gypsies" came out, and then later on "The Pope of Greenwich Village" and "Star 80"...but for whatever reasons, his star never rose much higher and of course he was eclipsed by his sister Julia; still though, I love the guy.

Hank and Eric enjoyed a couple of pomegranate martinis, while I sipped some club soda and we discussed life for a bit, just then the door bell rang and Greg Kinnear and Matt Damon showed up. You won't read this in any gossip mag, but I am here to tell you the truth: Matt and Greg have been inseparable since they met at the Bally's in North Hollywood the day after Halloween; while the two had worked together in the past, these days once could say they really are stuck on each other. Frankly I am happy for Damon, ever since Affleck dumped him, the guy has been a wreck...yeah, yeah, I know, Kinnear is supposed to be married and Damon is seeing some woman...come on people, get with the program, this is Hollywood, and their are more beards in this town than at an Amish barn raising!

Dinner was sublime and afterwords we repaired to the hot tub for coffee and after dinner drinks. Matt and Greg got comfortable on their own which left Eric, Hank and I to dish about what was going lately...we were all taking bets on the Cruise/Holmes marriage...Eric wanted to know how much the Scientologists were paying Katie for use of her uterus ... Later on Hank asked me how the match making was going; Eric even chimed in, "Word's all over town about Stillman and Drea De Matteo"; I happily reported that the duo seemed to be doing well and were planning on moving in together, just then Damon called out, "Yeah, but doesn't Stillman change all of his girlfriends into lesbians?" Eric nodded his head, "I heard the same thing...It must be a real bitch to be one of the few 100% straight guys in this town, your choices are closeted dyke's or heterosexual chicks who look like lollipops." We all laughed but wished our pal, Eric Stillman the best of luck...

Frito's

2005-11-20T08:39:00.000-08:00

Have you ever swum in a pool with Matthew McConaughey? Well, I have ... the guy can not keep his swim trunks on...

Hosted a little pool party yesterday afternoon and People Magazine's Sexiest Man Alive showed up ... and like always, he brought his bongos and his stash of weed; the guy was toked and stoked and pretty much the life of the party...Barbara Streisand and James Brolin were the first to arrive and Babs looked great (did you know she travels with her own personal lighting guy at all times?), once she got situated on a chaise lounge in the shade ... Brolin (who looks even better now than he did when he was in his 20's) manned the barbecue - my god that silver haired devil makes a mean burger! Carrie Fisher showed up with Penny Marshall and the girls went ga-ga over Babs, fetching her drinks, bringing her food, touching up her make up ... McConaughey came with fellow party-boy, Anderson Cooper ... Cooper's such a sweet guy, he brought a case of Frito's and five bags of hot-dog buns ... Tyra Banks also showed up and unfortunately got into a little tiff with another guest, Faye Dunaway; Faye had been tossing back hi-balls and when she set eyes on the host of "America's Next Model",she proclaimed loud enough for the other guests to hear, "Darling, the fat suit stunt was pathetic ... you looked like the Uniroyal tire man!" and then she flung her Virginia Slim's menthol at her just missing her left eye ... luckily, Guadalupe's son, Ramon (who was bar-tending) separated the ladies and no real harm came to anyone ... As I was sitting by the pool chatting up Eric Roberts, McConaughey came up behind me and said in his thick Texan drawl, "Baxter, how's that water, son?" and the next thing I knew I was in the deep end courtesy of my guest ... it took about two minutes of playing "Marco Polo" for his trunks to float up on the surface...when Dunaway saw this she cried out, "Darling, Matthew, come in to the shallow end so I can get a better look!!!"

Toweling off, I had a few moments to talk with Babs - she says she is considering a follow-up to "Meet the Fockers", tentatively titled, "Mother Focker"; "Honey, I'll do it as long as that putz, Stiller is not involved - how did that kid get such a big carreer?"... I was about to answer when I heard a scream and saw that Dunaway had put a cigarette out on the head of Tyra Banks who was sitting in a lawn chair by the bar ... Once more, Ramon separated the ladies and things calmed down ... was enjoying some fabulous potato salad that Penny Marshall had made when I caught sight of Anderson Cooper coming out of the guest house with Matthew Perry - I think they'd make a nice couple, made a mental note to encourage this relationship ... Hank called so I passed around the phone so he could say hi to everyone. He's coming home on Tuesday and then we have to get our Turkey Day plans solidifed ...

Around dusk, an impromptu conga line started with a naked McConaughey and his bongos, leading the line; Dunway had his hips in a death grip and the other guests followed behind her as we congaed around the pool to 'Hot Hot Hot' - it was all so retro in a 1980's meets the Swinging 60's kind of way...

Later on, with most of the guests gone, I found that Cooper and Perry had taken off for that very same hotel that Stillman and Drea went to the other day ... Guadalupe had done a marvelous job of cleaning up the patio ... Carrie and Penny were the last two guests (or so I thought) to leave; Ramon informed me that McConaughey and Dunaway left together (you read it here first!) and that everyone else was gone so he was leaving for the night ... was about to go to my office when a deep voice called out from the living room, "Dex"; it was James Brolin, "I sent the little woman home, she's got a headache; can you stand a little company?"

I fired up the hot tub and got out a box of good Cuban cigars...later on, as we relaxed, Brolin said, "Do you remember that party back in , oh what was it, 82 or 83, me and you and Eric Roberts ...wasn't that your first time at the Sheldrake room?" and we smoked and reminised while the lights of L.A. glowed up at us from the valley below...

Ravioli di Ricotta

2005-11-15T18:30:00.000-08:00

A bit of fan mail before I start:

This comes from my pal, Joey B, formerly of Piscataway, currently of Burbank who writes,

Dear Dex,
It seems you live the perfect life. Is there anyone you have beef with, anyone that you just can't stand?
Joey B.

Joey,
I can't say there is anyone that I really can't stand in Tinseltown. For every Mo Rocca and David Spade, there are a thousand Carrie Fisher's and Denzel Washington's ... yeah, I have crossed the paths of a few jerks, but If I have learned anything from years of studying the Kabbalah; when I feel the pull of negative energy, I just yank on my red string and all the bad feelings simply melt away.
Love to Mary Jo!
Dex

+++++

Got back from Palm Springs on Monday and Hank returned to Canada for the remaining shoot of his film ... Drea de Matteo stopped over on Monday night, we had not seen each other since that time I bumped into her at the People's Choice awards a few years back ... Drea's a great kid and she loves to cook. She asked me if she could make a pasta dinner, I told her that that was a great idea and then I had a brainstorm ... Called Eric Stilman and invited him over; I figured that he and Drea might really hit it off...In as much as Guadalupe was off for a few days, Drea took over the kitchen and began whipping up Ravioli di Ricotta, a recipe that she claims was taught her by Edie Falco...funny thing about Drea, as soon as she starts cooking, she strips down to her underwear - Damn, but that girl cooks as good as she looks, and I had a feeling that Stillman and her were going to get along famously... While the food cooked, Drea and I shared some small talk and then I told her about our third for lunch and she seemed thrilled when I told her who was coming over she squealed with joy and said, "Eric Stillman, the guy who broke up Tori Spelling's marriage? Wow, he looked hot in that piece Entertainment Tonight did about him ... but Dex, are you sure he's straight?" I assured her, that as far as I knew, Stillman never hopped the fence, though I mentioned that he has dated several lesbians. She shrugged her shoulders and said, "So when women are through with him they become lesbians? Wow, what's this guy's secret?"

Stillman showed up right on time and greeted me at the front door, "Baxter you old so and so!" he proclaimed giving me a hearty hand shake and pat on the back... he brought a bottle of wine and a gallon of Diet Dr. Pepper and I escorted him into the kitchen where Drea was working a sweat up over a large pot of tocco de nuxe sauce. She looked up from her cooking and when her eyes met Stillman's I smelled something else cooking in the kitchen ... it smelled like love at first sight!

Deciding that I'd let the two kids get to know each other, I excused my self and went to my office and checked my phone messages ... a couple of suits from Paramount called asking if I wanted to do some some work on the new Travolta film called, "A Closet Full of Stars" - it was to co-star Jodie Foster, Tom Cruise, Kevin Spacey and Orlando Bloom ... also got a call from Dwayne, The Rock, Johnson who invited me and Hank to a party at his place out in Malibu ... Faxed the reworked script of The Flying Nun re-make to Tom Hanks (added a nude scene and several musical montages - as well as a sub-plot that included the Opus Dei - I figured what with DaVinci Code opening soon, it might beef up the script some)... called Diana Luxembourg but found out that she was away in Vegas for a few days ... was about to call Dean Cain when I smelled something burning...

Racing back to the kitchen, smoke everywhere, I grabbed the little fire extinguisher we had under the sink and set about dousing the blaze on the stove that had pretty much destroyed all of the imported tile that was on the back splash...the fire out and the windows open, I searched for Drea and Eric and could not find them anywhere ... It was then I heard screaming and discovered the two of them in the maid's room knocking boots-- my kitchen ruined, but my matchmaking an unqualified success I took a deep breath, closed the door quietly and made a few calls to get someone out to the house to repair the kitchen...

A few hours later, after Eric and Drea took off for a motel in Encino, the doorbell rang and carpenter, Carter Oosterhouse of TV's "Trading Spaces" was at my door. "Hi", he said taking his shirt off, "Drea and Eric sent me to do some repair work in the kitchen and they paid me double if I worked shirtless" ... thanking my lucky stars, I dashed up stairs to get my digital camera figuring I might document some of his handy work...for insurance purposes...when I got back down, he was working his table saw in the kitchen...the guy was amazing and in less than an hour the kitchen was looking better than ever...the phone rang and I ignored it ... several hours later, he had everything looking great and said to me, "Well I'm about done here, that is unless you have anything else that needs fixing"...I told him to grab his power-tools and follow me ... soon we were in the bedroom banging and screwing, and before I knew it, I had a brand new bed frame and headboard...Later on we retired to the hot tub and Carter asked me if I knew who the woman was that was passed out on the side walk at the end of my block, "I can't imagine you'd have vagrants in this neighborhood" ... I poured him a Tom Collins and told him the sad story of Doris Roberts...later on, after we toweled off I asked him if he'd ever been to The Sheldrake Room, he had not, and so we set off for the private club driving through the dark California night...

Apple Cinnamon Belgium Waffles

2005-11-11T10:55:00.000-08:00

Still in Palm Springs, yes that's me at poolside writing today's blog entry (Hank took the photo, hence the bad quality and the fact that my head is chopped off-the guy can not take a photo to save his life ... and yes, I had my chest waxed...I was told it would grow back)... On the other hand, Hank's gone back to cromagnum, reverting to his hirsute self, check out this photo as he's about to make a splash... had a wonderful breakfast this morning of apple-cinnamon Belgium waffles at the Don Quixote Room and were joined by Bill Maher and his date, a lovely young lady who went by the name of Bambi (not the brightest light in the chandelier, but ol' Bambi had some fascinating tales to tell about Kirk Cameron and Kevin Costner)...played tennis afterwords (doubles with Merv Griffin and Denny Terrio - nice to see those two have patched things up finally) ... went swimming and hung by the pool until Hank had to go to the set for today's shooting...

Decided to do a little shopping at The River at Rancho Mirage, bumped into Raquel Welch (who looks great, BTW) , she was coming out of Verizon Wireless trying out her new cell phone ... stopped in to Cohiba Cigar Lounge and picked up a box of Arturo Fuente Opus X cigars and an engraved lighter for Mr. Man. Later on browsed the Bang & Olufsen store and ordered a new sound system for the media room at the house ... outside of the mall I came across, world renowned psychic (and five pack a day Marlboro gal), Sylvia Browne luckily I had a pack of cigarettes on my person so I offered her one which she lit with the one that was currently in her mouth and she said in a gruff but pleasant voice, "Dex Baxter! I felt your presence here, dear. You know the spirit world is strong with you -WAIT!", she exclaimed holding her hand up, removing the cigarette I gave her from her mouth, "These aren't menthol are they? I hate mentholated cigarettes".

I assured her that they were not and she continued; "Honey, I see big things in your future, my god, you need to come to my office and have a private reading..." she paused long enough to hack her left lung up and then went on, "For some reason I am seeing palm trees, Florida...South Beach Florida! And you and some one else, an actor, maybe a singer? Say did you fuc..."

I cut her off then and there and made my way back to the car and tried to call Montel Williams...he was not in, so I'd try later ... got back to the hotel and checked my email and saw that Tom Hanks loved my revisions on his script and wanted me to work on the next film he was producing (a remake of the old Sally Field television program, "The Flying Nun" as a major motion picture picture staring Calista Flockhart) ... it sounded like a stupid idea, but it will probably make a mega gazillion at the box office ... Guadalupe called to say that Matt is fine and she has him de-toxing in the guest bedroom and that she called in a Santeria holy man to help, "Whatever it takes", I told her ... she also said that last night, she thought she saw Doris Roberts passed out on our driveway, but when she went to call the police she was gone ... took a cell phone call from Shemar Moore who wanted to know if I could get him an invite to The Sheldrake Room; told him that he could come as my guest this weekend ...

Took a nap and when I woke, found that Hank was back and in the shower, joined him and later gave him the gift of cigars and the lighter...he pocketed two of the stogies as we dressed for dinner ...

Drove to Café des Beaux Arts for dinner with Kevin Spacey and his "friend", Billy Somethingorother (allegedly a camera man working on the film) ... Hank and Kevin signed a few autographs and we enjoyed a wonderful dinner though Billy was upset that he could not get cheese fries and a burger; I asked the waiter to bring him a 'Shirley Temple' to drink ... I don't think I'll be invited to Spacey's Christmas party this year...

Left for the hotel around nine and smoked those wonderful cigars on our ride back, the both of us singing along with the "Spamalot" soundtrack...

Chamomile Tea

2005-11-09T16:12:00.000-08:00

When Hank called me this morning to tell me that he was in Palm Springs with Matthew Perry, well frankly, I was shocked. I asked him why he wasn't in Canada and he told me that two new scenes for the film had to be shot on location in the desert; "So how the fuck did Perry end up with you?" I asked.

"I don't know Dex, he just showed up is all ... look, you are going to have to send someone for him, Christ he was all over me like a cheap suit; my press agent had to plant a fake item in The New York Post this morning about it... said that we were with a bevy of girls in a limo staying at Gene Autry's fucking ranch!"

"As if!" I snorted.

"And I think he's been drinking again...come on, babe, I need for you to get him off of this set, PLEASE!"

I hung up and gave Ramon the keys to the car and sent him out to the location Hank told me they were with strict instructions to get Matt out of there and bring him back home ... I gave him my stun gun and enough percocet to lay an elephant low ... then I went on line and read this on the New York Post's web site:

November 9, 2005 -- ENDING up in Palm Springs on an impromptu road trip isn't a bad thing when you're Matthew Perry and Hank Azaria. The duo, traveling in a limo packed with women, arrived in the desert resort town looking for a place to stay. They ended up at the Parker Palm Springs in the two-bedroom Gene Autry house. The party posse re-emerged the next morning for breakfast at Norma's diner, where Kirsty Hume and Donovan Leitch and Bill Maher were at separate tables.

After this morning's drama, I needed to relax so I took some Valium and asked Guadalupe to make me some chamomile tea ... went into my office and faxed the DePalma script to Tom Hanks (which I'd worked on all day Tuesday), and then spent some time with the other script, the musical based on "Deep Throat" called, "Open Wide"; re-worked two musical numbers and wrote in a dream sequence that included as much gratuitous nudity as I could come up with ... took a call from Eric Stillman who was going bonkers when he told me that Aaron Spelling made a deal with him about the National Enquirer story about Tori that he was going to sell; Papa Spelling sent him the contract with Lifetime Television Network provided he killed the Enquirer story - it was a done deal and next week, Stillman starts shooting, "Troubled Waters, The Scott Peterson Story". His co-star will be Ashley Olson ... I congratulated him and then sent a case of Dom Perignon to his place.

An hour and a half later, Ramon called to say that he had Perry... had to tie him up and throw him in the trunk ... I told to make sure that his hands were free and to leave him a bottle of water and a Powerbar just to be safe ... a few minutes later Hank called on my cell to say thanks and he sent me this photo of him and Perry shooting dice with a couple of the stunt men on the set... said that the only way he could keep Perry calm was to play dice with him ... Hank said he'd be in Palm Springs for at least two days, asked me to come down tonight, told him that I would be there...

Went upstairs and packed an overnight bag ... finished that up and told Guadalupe that Matt would be staying at the house for a few days and that she would have to keep an eye on him... paid her triple time for this and promised that she'd have Cinco de Mayo off this year, that seemed to do the trick...

Since Ramon had my car, I took Hank's BMW Z 4 Roadster and headed out to Palm Springs. Stopped at Doc Johnson's in North Hollywood for some Astroglide and saw Ashton Kutcher and a some friends frolicking in one of the movie stalls, called Demi Moore's agent and left an anonymous message ... got back in the car and continued on to Palm Springs...

Citrus-Marinated Grilled Turkey

2005-11-06T15:19:00.000-08:00

The mystery of why Matt has been trying to return to the booze was revealed today when I discovered THIS on the MSN Entertainment web page...poor Perry, why the numb-nut who was doing a piece on face-lifts felt the need to poke fun at him for the weight gain period a few years back is beyond me ... then again, the scribe who penned this piece is making 50 thou a year, while Matthew lives the good life ... I called my attorney and put him in touch with Matt ... Later on Tyler Florence called and said he was in town for some PR work and wanted to know if we could get together. Told him that my cook was off today, so why not come over and make me lunch ... he's such a fame-whore he agreed provided I have a few of my a-list friends over to enjoy the meal ... Made a few quick calls and managed to get Shirley Maclaine on the phone and invited her over, she asked if it was alright if she brought Jack Nicholson and I said that was aces as long as he didn't bring that skinny bitch, Lara Flynn Boyle with him, Maclaine said they were kaput and it would be just her and Jack; a regular "Terms of Endearment" reunion... seeing that Jack was coming I made sure the bar was well stocked and that ashtrays were strategically placed through out the dining room and den ...

Chef Florence showed up around ten and had a staff of twelve handsome men of European decent whom he claimed were his assistants ... my kitchen was taken over by this army of culinary hunks who set about whipping up a meal that featured Citrus-Marinated Grilled Turkey , mashed turnips au gratin, and various other tasty treats ... Once Tyler got everything coordinated, he joined me by the pool and we talked about his life... I'd met him back in 94 when he was just starting out in the biz, he was sitting in a bar in West Hollywood and was nursing a champagne cocktail, I remember we talked about his ambitions and after a few drinks we checked into the Hyatt on Sunset Blvd, and all night long, he showed me his best recipes; a few days later I introduced him to the owner of Cibo in New York City and the rest is gastronomical history... "I owe you, Dex", he said checking his Blackberry, "If it was not for you, I'd be flipping burgers in Bosie". We laughed and then gossiped about Giada De Laurentiis ; "That is one lucky bitch, she can't boil water, but well, she has other talents so, she has her own show!" Again we laughed and both nodded our heads...

Jack and Shirley arrived together at one pm. Maclaine looked great in an Oscar de la Renta pant suit that fit her still perfect figure, "Sweetie, how are you?!?" she said giving me a hug and an air kiss, "Is Hank still away?" I told her he was and Nicholson walked in behind her and said, "Dex, I need an ashtray and a good stiff drink, can you set me up, pal?"

One of Tyler's assistants doubled as a bartender and served up a scotch on the rocks to Nicholson who took a swig and said, "Keep 'em coming, Sparky"... Meanwhile Maclaine put her arm around Tyler and was making small talk with him ... I drank seltzer water while Nicholson and I talked about the Laker's up-coming season as well as politics ... Shirley said that she was not drinking as she has to be in tip-top shape for the European press junket for "In Her Shoes" which starts in a week ... Lunch was served at two and it was sublime, at least I thought so, but Nicholson kept asking for salt every time he tasted something ... Tyler kept his cool though... after our meal we took coffee in the garden ... It was there that Nicholson announced the reason he'd dumped Lara Flynn, "She kept throwing up in the potted palms in my driveway after a meal, it was repulsive!"

The guests left around four and Tyler sent his army back once they'd cleaned up the kitchen; we repaired to the hot tub and Tyler said that he'd heard this rumor that Rachel Ray had fucked Ricky Martin that time in South Beach...

Greek Salad

2005-11-04T17:33:00.000-08:00

Hank left for Canada yesterday morning, so I am on my own for the next few weeks...yesterday afternoon I went to the Day of the Dead Festival at Forest Lawn, Hollywood Hills... spent time visiting the graves of Andy Gibb and Paul Monette (I was a big fan of Paul;while Andy and I spent some quality time together in Palm Springs in the Spring of 78...a real shame about him) ... saw Molly Ringwald there mourning the death of her career no doubt...after the visit to the cemetery, I went back home and went over the new script I got the other day, a musical version of "Deep Throat" known as "Open Wide"... Queen Latifah called again;will be taking a meeting with her people in a couple of weeks as she really wants me as a writer for her new sit com, "Mama's In The House" ... in a similar mode, someone at Fox got my number and asked what I knew about Faye Dunaway's proposed sit-com, "Love that Faye!" Told the caller that I knew nothing about this ... Matthew Perry came over and hung out the rest of the day, kept trying to order wine for delivery from The Liquor Locker, had to take his cell phone away and handcuff him to a chair in the guest bed room where he watched a marathon of "Saved by the Bell" on TBS until he fell asleep.

This morning, after I uncuffed Perry and got him off to his AA meeting, Guadalupe served up a wonderful breakfast of poached eggs and sausage links ... read the papers and then took a call from Diana Luxembourg who told me that my page on IMDB was up and running! I went to my computer and saw that it was so (click on the picture for a full view)... after that I went down to the Beverly Hills Gym and sparred a few rounds with Erik Palladino ... while neither of us ended up with black eyes, we decided to take a steam together and after that we went and got a bite to eat at Cafe Marly... Erik had a steak so raw the sucker was bleeding, I had the Greek salad ... discussed Ricky Martin's "comeback" and Palladino told me that he thinks he might have fucked Ricky Martin that time in South Beach...we laughed and toasted Ricky's assets... finished up around two thirty and headed home and found that Perry was in to the cooking sherry...poor Guadalupe was hysterical trying to pry the bottle from him ... having just engaged in a pugilistic endeavor, I cold cocked him with a right hook and knocked him out cold ... Guadalupe helped me carry him to the guest room and we put an ice pack on his eye and hoped for the best... told Guadalupe to take the rest of the day off with pay ... worked on my fake blog for awhile and then checked on Perry saw that he was still out cold ... Carrie Fisher called and she wanted to talk about the Halloween Party the other night; she said that Entertainment Tonight just did a big story on Tori Spelling and how she clobbered Robert Blake at Dunaway's, "That's the best career move that bitch ever made", she said howling... The we discussed Mike Love's lawsuit against Brian Wilson ; and finally we discussed Charlie Sheen's marriage woes, "Why does that bastard have a TV show and I don't?!, Carrie asked...

After hanging up with Carrie, I called it a day and sacked out on the sofa watching the second part of the "Saved by the Bell" marathon until I was out like a light...

Taffy Apples

2005-10-31T16:37:00.000-08:00

Hollywood is a wacky town, no doubt, but on All Hallows Eve the place is nuttier than Kim Basinger with out her medication! Maybe it's a full moon, but the whack-factor is in full force today ... this morning I went to the Safeway in Beverly Hills to pick up some Chase and Sanborn (it's Hank's favorite coffee, what can I say?) and while in the check-out line I witnessed Whitney Houston being escorted out of the store by security guards (poor thing was going bat-shit-bonkers cursing out the store staff for not having Strawberry Quick mix) ... meanwhile, in the parking lot, Bobby Brown got in to a shoving match with one of the guards and soon the LAPD was there whisking America's sweethearts to the county jail ... When I got out of the store and back to my car, I found my driver, Ramon, on his cell phone, I don't speak Spanish very well but it sounded like he was saying, "Colin, usted me dio cangrejos!" Not sure what that meant but I doubt it was an invitation to the Día de los Muertos celebration ... a few miles from the store, I saw Kristie Alley in dark glasses and a fright wig ducking in to the McDonald's on Hollywood Blvd, I wonder if Jenny Craig knows about this ... saw Bruce Willis chasing Ashton Kutcher into the woods off Mulholland with a tire iron ... swung by the studio and dropped off the Julia Robert's script, on the way back to the car I was accosted by Seann William Scott who begged me to help him get a role in Clooney's next film, told him to take some acting lessons or, if he was feeling brave, he could stop by The Sheldrake Room tonight and ask in person...

Finally home, sat down to a fab breakfast of French toast that Guadalupe had whipped up ... scanned Diana's column in Variety... read that Joan Rivers was having her seventy seventh face lift and that her plastic surgeon is going to start using some of the skin from her knees for this procedure ... Hank finally joined us and went for the L.A. Times crossword puzzle, told me that he was still a bit hung over from Dunaway's party last night ... Guadalupe said that Mo Rocca's lawyer called again, she told them that he had the wrong number (memo to self, triple that girl's Xmas bonus!)...after breakfast, Hank and I swam a few laps in the pool and then retreated to the hot tub... Hank took a phone call from the director of his latest film, he is going to have to head back to Montreal tomorrow for a couple of re-takes ...

Spent the rest of the day blogging, returning phone calls and reviewing the script that Tom Hank's wanted me to read ... saw that Guadalupe had made taffy apples for the trick or treaters (asked her to save one for me) and paid her time and half if she'd stay and answer the door ... Hank and I dressed in black tie and tails for the the private party at The Sheldrake room, as is the Halloween tradition at the private Hollywood men's club ...

Got there at eight and found that Matthew Perry was sauced, told him that I was going to call his sponsor, again, he reminded me that I was his AA sponsor... cursed my foul luck and made the bartender brew a pot of strong joe with the instructions to pour it down Perry's gullet until he could walk a straight line ... was shocked and delighted to find that Russ Crowe was here (I guess Danielle is still out of town), we played a quick hand of Dead Eye and I lost twenty bucks to the lucky bastard ... Hank shot pool with Goran Visnjic ... smoked some weed with Kevin Bacon and then joined him and Alec Baldwin and Denis Leary for a couple hands of Texas Hold 'Em, won my twenty back with interest ... there were bowls of candy corn everywhere, and after smoking that righteous weed it tasted as good as Beluga Caviar ... at midnight, we all repaired to the playroom and found Clooney, Crowe and Jeremy Piven were already auditioning Seann William Scott ... that kid is going to go places in this town.

Left around two a.m. and got home at around quarter of three ... Hank went to bed and I raided the fridge , could not wait to taste one of those taffy apples.

Minute Danish Open Sandwiches

2005-10-29T19:58:00.000-07:00

Hank and I just got back from Faye Dunaway's annual Halloween ball ... what a night! First off, Mr. Man, ever the playful devil, told me he was going as Claude from Along Came Polly; he nearly gave Guadalupe a stroke when he came down into the living room in a wig and Speedos ... though I confess I loved the ensemble, saner voices prevailed and soon he was encased in his Spamalot drag, we both were, and we made our way to Casa Dunaway for the night's festivities.

Faye looked incredible in her Joan Crawford/Mommie Dearest drag; "Dex! Hank!" she said nursing a gin ricky as she greeted us in the front hall of her mansion, "Into the ballroom, boys, everyone is here!"... she was right, it was somewhat overwhelming the amount of guests at the party... bumped in to Carrie Fisher who was dressed up as the Unsinkable Molly Brown, she kept singing, "You Can't Get A Man with A Gun"... even more delightful was Carrie's mom, Debbie Reynolds who was done up as Princess Laya from Star Wars ... Deb, ever the bigger than life star, kept belting out show tunes in between belts of martinis ... found myself chatting up Salma Hayek who looked hotter than six miles of road in Death Valley as a nun in short-shorts and come-fuck-me-pumps, my god but that girl had every straight man and lesbian at the soiree panting like wolves in heat ... caught site of George Clooney and Mark Wahlberg coming out of the bathroom together, (Clooney was dressed as Cary Grant and Wahlberg was Dirk Diggler) both checking their zippers and adjusting their shirts ... I'm just saying is all ... Hank and I took turns dancing with Catherine Zeta Jones (resplendent in Laura Bush drag) and then made our way to the bar where I had a ginger ale and Mr. Man indulged in a zombie ... caught site of Tori Spelling dressed up as Little Bo Peep, she was obviously very drunk and was chain smoking, what a pity ... Matt Damon (as one of the flying monkeys from The Wizard of Oz) bummed a cigarette from me ... saw Doris Roberts (as Doris Roberts) passed out behind the bar ... danced the Monster Mash with Matthew Perry who was done up like a hockey player; had to keep taking drinks that were being passed to him by Penelope Cruz who was dressed up as Katie Holmes...

Decided to catch my breath on the patio and felt a hand slap me on the back and heard the familiar voice of Eric Stillman who cried out, "Baxter, you old so and so!" Turned to greet my old pal did a double take as he was done up as Jason Voorhees complete with a machete. "Stillman, you card!" I said shaking his hand, "Is this a swell party or what?" Stillman nodded and offered me a bottle of bubbly ... had to remind him that I was on the wagon, so he pulled a joint from his pocket and we ambled over to the bushes and indulged the weed knowing full well if Dunaway caught us, she'd go ballistic...

...as if on cue, we heard Faye's voice booming through the night, "Who invited this tramp to my hooommeeeee!!!!"

"Guess she found out that Paris Hilton was here, " Stillman said inhaling and handing me the jay; I suggested that he keep his mask down and his face covered for the rest of the night. He gave me a puzzled look and so I said, "Spelling's here, fellow!"

"Damn the luck!" he proclaimed readjusting the rotted hockey mask into place, "Cover me Dex, I'm going back in!"

Seeing that the coast was clear we made our way back to the ballroom and Stillman found his way over to three guys dressed as Bluebeard (OJ Simpson, Phil Spector and Robert Blake) ... Dunaway came up behind me and put her hand on my shoulder and said, "Darling, you look so cute in your medieval garb. Are these the actual Broadway outfits?" Before I could answer her she sucked down her Harvey Walbanger and put her cigarette out on a fairy princess's crown (turns out it was little Dakota Fanning)... the moppet screamed and Dunaway pushed her aside and sauntered back in to the ocean of revelers ... found Hank hanging with Clooney, Perrry and Wahlberg discussing the private party Monday night that was going to be held at The Sheldrake Room ... a major buzz through out the room when Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie showed up as Groucho Marx and Margret Dumont word was they could only stay for a few minutes as they were due at Elton John's party in Malibu ... Topher Grace was really into character when he came dressed as Iggy Pop, even going so far as to smear peanut butter all over his chest and lip sync, "Lust for Life", Clooney leaned over and whispered to me, "Got any jelly, I'd like to make a sandwich" ... Just then a very inebriated Tori Spelling came my way and said, "Where the fuck is Stillman? I am going to kill him when I find him!" I told her that he was one of the three Bluebeard guys, a few minutes later she was removed from the party by security guards for smashing Robert Blake over the head with her Bo Peep staff ... Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson (they both look great BTW) were dressed as George and Martha Washington, Hanks and I knew each other years ago when I did some extra work on his old sit-com, Bosom Buddies, he's a great guy, and when he pulled me aside he asked if I'd take a look at the new script that Brian De Palma gave him, told him it was as good as done ... Angela Basset who came as Diana Ross asked for a dance, and we boogied to Joy Division's "Love will Tear Us Apart"...

Exhausted I crashed on the sofa next to Zach Braff who was dressed as Ray Romano (or maybe it was it was Romano dressed as Braff, who can tell the difference) ... watched as Dunaway cursed out one of the caterers and put a cigarette out on his head ... tried some awesome Minute Danish Open Sandwiches; to die for!

Found Stillman with Joan Cusack (who looked fab as Harriet Miers) and he excused himself for a second and pulled me aside and said, "You are aces, old man! Thanks for taking care of that problem for me."

"Anytime", I said as Hank pulled me towards the front door to say our good nights...

...as we were leaving, Debbie Reynolds was on top of the baby grand piano in the hallway singing "I'm Still Here" ... said our goodbyes to Dunaway, who was now so drunk she thought we were studio executives so she promised us both blow jobs if we OK'd her new sit-com...

...outside we made our way to the car and I caught site of one of the Olsen Twins, dressed up as Lindsay Lohan, throwing up into a potted palm...

Dorade aux Pistaches

2005-10-26T17:26:00.000-07:00

Before we begin, time to answer some fan mail:

Rosie from Encino writes,
Dear Dex,
It's your life. do you have to pinch yourself sometimes?

Rosie,
I got little red marks up and down my arm, babe!
Call me, we'll do lunch!
DB

Maid Ink of North Hollywood had this to say,
Dear Dex,
Is Doris going back to rehab any time soon? She might be able to get a discount rate if she shares a suite with Courtney Love.

Darling Maidy,
Don't know if Doris is going back in - last I heard even Betty Ford won't have her. Courtney told me she'd never a share a room with DB because DB stole all her cigarettes and broke her iPod the last time!
You're beautiful sweetheart, don't change for me!
DB

Henrietta Hudson from Thousand Oaks claims,
Dear Dex,
I always knew Kirk's whole Christianity thing was bullshit! oh, and if it's not too much to ask, next time you high five Matt Dillon, could you be a dear and slip him my number? kisses!

Sweet Henny,
You must be an insider! Kirk's been playing that holy roller trip ever since he bombed in "The Computer Wore Tennis Shoes"; word has it that his "Way of the Master" church is a front for Colombian drug trafficking ... As for Matt; it's as good as done!
Kisses right back at ya!
DB

And finally, Joey B. of Silverlake asks,
Dear Dex,
What is the deal with Johnny Depp only doing Tim Burton Films? Iheard a rumor that he lost a poker bet during a game with Latoya Jackson, Tim Robins, and Martha and the Donald, on the set of Edward Scissor Hands, when they made an improv trip to Vegas. Is there any connection?

Big Joey,
I have heard the same rumor. I have talked to all the parties involved and you know what they say "What happens in Vegas..." but I've got it on good authority that Latoya tried to welsh on her end of the deal, which would explain her stellar career! I'll see Tim Robbins this weekend and try and pump him for answers again.
Love to Mary Jo, bro!
DB

**********

Got an invitation to Faye Dunaway's annual Halloween Costume Party to be held Saturday night at her place. Should be an A-list happening... called Hank and told him, he said he'll be back in time and we should RSVP ... discussed costumes and will probably use the suits of armour he still has from Spamalot ... Mo Rocca's lawyer called me, Guadalupe took the call and told them I was out of town since Sunday (memo to self, double that girl's Xmas bonus this year) ...

Had dinner with Diana Luxembourg last night, she was all a twitter over the happening's in Lafayette and all charged over the DVD commentary for Memory Sweet Memory, said the powers-that-be are still trying to find Jan Michael Vincent to see if he'd be interested in doing some commentary; we discussed Jan and what a hot piece he was before the booze took it's toll; giggled amongst ourselves over the 3-way we had with him at that little hotel in Burbank back in 79 ... Diana's maid, Escovela made an incredible Dorade aux Pistaches (snapper with pistachios) it was fab, and we enjoyed our meal in her garden.

This afternoon, I locked myself in my office and went to work on the Julia Roberts script. Tore out about fifty pages of bothersome dialogue, replaced it with top forty soundtrack tunes and montages, added three explosions, a car accident and a couple of scenes of Will Smith in the shower ... took a call from Queen Latifah, she still wants to know if I'll be the head writer on her new sit-com, did not give her answer but told her I'd sleep on it ...

Turkey Pastrami

2005-10-25T16:42:00.000-07:00

Sitting in my kitchen this morning, reading the dailies while sipping a cafe mocha latte, and was shocked to read that a Houston newspaper has outed, Anderson Cooper as well as Shepard Smith! Who knew? Next thing they'll be claiming that Jodie Foster and Sean Hayes and John Travolta are gay... Read in Variety that Piven's hosting of the American Cinematheque Award for Al Pacino went well ... took a phone call from Colin Farrell's agent who wanted to know where he was, had Guadalupe go wake him up and told her to delouse the sheets in the guest bedroom for safe measure while he was in the shower ... took another call from Hank who says that the filming in Montreal is going well, weather is fine and his co-star in this still untitled epic, Kevin Spacey is a real piece of work; constantly taking long walks in the local parks at night and losing his cell phone (nothing new there) ... went through the mail and found a check from Spielberg for the work I did on Neely! as well as a hand-written thank you note... Got a call from the suits at Paramount and wanted to know if I could do some work on the latest Julia Robert's script, told them I'd stop by later and pick it up and give it a look see ...

Went out for a jog ... saw Mo Rocca walking to the mailbox, had to stop myself from just going up to him and punching him one in the face (the guy just works my nerves - plain and simple) ... saw Faye Dunaway screaming at a crew of landscapers as they arranged a few hundred hand carved jack-o-lanterns on her lawn; watched her put a cigarette out on the head of one of the lawn crew ... passed Matt Dillon who was running in the opposite direction, high-fived each other and thought back to that night in '94 ... passed Valerie Bertinelli (who looks great BTW) high-fived each other and thought back to that night in '84 ... came around the corner and almost tripped over Doris Roberts who was passed out on the sidewalk, jumped over her and continued ... came back to my street and bumped into Mo Rocca; stopped dead in my tracks and punched him in the face; felt bad and went to help him up, but had a change of heart, kicked him in the ass, lept over him with sadistic glee and continued home...

Crashed out in the media room and flicked on the television ... Guadalupe's son, Ramon came in and told me he had spent the night with Colin in the guest bedroom, told him to grab that bottle of Kwell in the bathroom and pray for the best ... watched The Dukes of Hazard on TNN while sipping an Evian and called Paramount back, told them I'd be over for the Robert's script in a few hours...

While driving to the studio I saw Kirk Cameron coming out of an Adult Book store on Hollywood Blvd; beeped and waved and watched him duck his head ... saw Jenny McCarthy on the lot at Paramount, air-kissed, told her she looked hot ... picked up the script and sat in the commissary and flipped through it; a real piece of shit, it's going to make a gazillion. Saw that the leading man was going to be Will Smith ... will have to write in a scene where we see his butt unclothed ... stopped off at Factors Famous Deli and had a turkey pastrami ... Called Diana to make plans for dinner tonight...

Chicken Fajita Burrito

2005-10-22T14:57:00.000-07:00

A shout out to Eric Stillman for winning a Taurus Award for the stunt work he did in Win a Date with Tad Hamilton as Josh Duhamel's body double during the wood cutting / axe scene! Three Cheers for Eric!

Hank left for Montreal this morning to do some work on that new project for MGM he'll be there for the rest of the week ... Linda Blair called when I got home from LAX to tell me that she is pretty sure that she can stop the distribution of "Disco Nation", she said that, unbeknownst to anyone at the time, she was a silent producer of the film (that is she put up some of her own money to fund this debacle) and unless she agrees (or someone buys her out) she has to sign off for the release. Relieved to hear this I asked her how she was doing and she told me that she has two new films she is working on and everything else is going great guns . Linda's a great gal ... after that bit of good news, Matthew Perry called and asked if I wanted to go to the Sheldrake Room tonight, told him that I thought that was a good idea and would get back to him ... faxed the forty some pages of revisions I did on "Neely! " to Spielberg who called me back less than an hour later telling me that he loved the nude lesbian love scene I'd written in for the Jennifer character (told me that he was kind of reticent at first, he'd even dropped a lesbian love scene from "The Color Purple" he reminded me)... after the call, Guadalupe asked me I wanted her cousin Ramon to come over to clean the pool on Sunday - I told her that that was a go and handed over a couple hundred to pay her cousin ... read that Shelly Winters had a heart-attack and was saddened to hear that, she looked great when I saw her last week at Diana Luxemburg's party ... Played Tennis with Mario Lopez who asked if I was going to The Sheldrake Room tonight, I told him I was and then hit one over his head which he missed, then we took a quick dip at the pool at the Beverly Hills Racquet Club ... Stopped over at Pinks for lunch and had a Chicken Fajita Burrito and saw Drew Barrymore, my god what that girl can do with a foot-long hot dog is nothing short of amazing ... Bumped into Courtney Love on my way back to the car (she looks great, BTW) and we talked about Ricky Martin's "Comeback", told me that she had fucked him that time in South Beach ... Got back home around five and sacked out for a few hours, got up around seven, found Matt in the kitchen making a grilled cheese sandwhich, told him to shower and get ready to go out with me ... washed and dressed and left with Matt at nine and headed down Sunset Blvd ... saw Ray Romano (or maybe it was Zach Braff, I can never tell those two guys apart) coming out of the 7/11.

Arrived at The Sheldrake Room around nine thirty and found Colin Farrell dancing on the bar to "Native New Yorker" watched as Jude Law tired to stuff dollar bills down his pants ... played poker with Billy Bob Thorton and Peter Sarsgaard ... later on I shot darts with John Leguizamo and we discussed his stint on E.R.; it's obscene the amount of money he's getting for that! Had to keep taking drinks away from Matt, told him I would call his sponsor at AA if he did not stop, reminded me that I WAS his sponsor, gave him a quaalude and told him to mellow out or I was taking him home ... Danced with Collin Farrell and (who was pretty much the life of the party last night) and joined the others in the play room where I found out the secret to Vin Diesel's success in Hollywood.

When we were leaving, we saw that Farrell's car would not start, he hoped a ride home with Matt and I ... stopped to pick up some Kwell , dropped Matt off at the pool house and brought Farrell inside with me...

Vegemite Sandwich

2005-10-20T18:19:00.000-07:00

Got a call this morning from Jamie Lee Curtis, she was breathlessly telling me that Sony bought the rights for "The Night The Lights Went Down on Broadway" and was re-releasing it in all of the major markets this Winter, and will then do a DVD special edition of the tear-jerker I made with her mom, the late great, Janet Leigh! Needless to say I was thrilled over this development, I made The Night... early in my career and got some great reviews, and of course, it was an honor to star with Janet as her doomed lover in this May / December romance piece. Curtis asked if I'd appear at a screening of the film at The Mann on December 16th for the official re-release... I told her that I was in and she said Sony's people would call my people and fax over the contracts ... was also told that I would do the commentary along with the director, Alan Smithee ... Told Hank the news and then called Diana Luxembourg who is still in Lafayette because of the Horowitz's case; she said she was thrilled with my news and said she'd be home by next week ... Got to thinking about Janet Leigh and what a beautiful broad she was ... you have to understand, I was pretty green when I made this film, but Leigh really helped me out and it was through her professionalism that I managed to turn in a decent performance ... also recalled that the press had a field day when Janet and I took off to Paris a month after filming for a little fling, they were calling me her "boy toy", I was just thrilled that such a great star had decided to take me under her wing, she was a real class act, they don't make them like that anymore!

With the sweet comes the bitter ... Steve Gutenberg called a few hours later, to tell me that Kate Jackson is adamant about "Disco Nation", she will not sign on with the rest of the cast to prevent the DVD release, Gutenberg said, "Christ, she's so desperate for attention she's thinking about going on a tour to promote the release!" We brainstormed and decided to leave it up to the lawyers. Meanwhile Scott Baio is trying to buy up all existing copies of the film and destroy them ... her really does not one anyone to see that jockstrap dance number he and Gutenberg and I do in that one scene.

Hank asked me to look over some new 8x10's he had done recently, I told him that he looked great in them, and he does ... later on I locked myself in my office and sat down with "Neely!" to see what I could do with this mess of a script. Like I said, it's a musical version of "Valley of the Dolls" that Spielberg is going to direct, and it is rife with misfires, though the big number that the Helen Lawson character does, "Broadway Doesn't Go for Booze and Dope" is going to bring the house down ... I wrote in a few new scenes and cut two musical numbers and added a couple of nude scenes, but still this one is going to be a real stinker ... it'll probably be a make a trillion at the box office.

Hank was feeling frisky so the rest of the afternoon was spent in bed ...

Russell Crowe called and invited us to the place he is renting out in Malibu. Danielle is out of town and he wanted some company, so we packed in to Hank's BMW Z 4 Roadster and headed out ... saw Will Smith and Jada Pinkett coming out of Spago, those crazy kids are so cute together, and they both have such tight butts ... got to Crowe's house and were treated to a tasty Vegemite sandwich spread and Foster's beer ... since I don't drink, I settled for a diet Coke. Russ was his usual gracious self and after we traded war stories, we jumped into his pool for a skinny dip ... Russ is such a pussycat in real life .... later on we discussed Ricky Martin's "comeback" and Russ said that he had heard that Tom Cruise had fucked Martin in South Beach that time , we pondered that as we shared some fine Mexican weed and enjoyed a couple bowls of Capn' Crunch with Crunch Berries ... Hank said, "Russ, that can't be true, everyone knows that Cruise is straight!" We laughed and smoked some more weed while the full moon shone over the City of Angels...

Dim Sum and Mango Pudding

2005-10-19T16:46:00.000-07:00

Lots to discuss...but first: time to answer some fan mail:

A reader from someplace called Rowhouseland (I think that might be somewhere outside of Encino) writes,

Dear Dex:
Jerry O'Connell looks so familiar to me, but he just seemed to pop up with the advent of the beefcake photos/ the Rebecca Romijn thing. where is he from?" ---

Dear Rowhouseland Lady,
Jerry got his start in the film, "Stand By Me", he played the fat kid. I think he did some TV work and then went away for awhile, got hooked on amphetamines, lost a ton of weight and did some films and that TV series, "Sliders". In a just world, he'd be doing gay-porn, but this being Hollywood, he's a star!

Joey Badafuco of Jersey writes and asks,

Yo Dex,
Heard a rumor that Eric Stillman will be playing a Mormon ski instructor named Wes, who is strangled by a lift operator in a low budget indie coming up at the end of fall called The Real Salt Lake City: Unscripted. Is dat true?

Dear Joey,
Provided he sleeps with the producer, the producer's wife and the director, it's a done deal!

+++++

Last night, Hank and I went to the unveiling of a star on the Walk of Fame for Antonio Banderas... yes, it goes without saying that Antonio and I go way back. I met him when he first got here sixteen years ago, and it was due to my instance that he get his first big break in films ... of course, Madonna hated the fact that while Antonio wanted nothing to do with her, he slept with me in a heart-beat( poor thing really made a fool of her self in that scene from Truth or Dare); of course, I knew our relationship would be complicated, so I pushed him in the direction of Melanie Griffith (heck, I did not even know he was married at the time)...and the rest is history...anyway, Antonio looked great, Mel looked fab and Tippie Hedren was there also (she looks great, BTW) ... Demi Moore was there, but she could not find Ashton, later on Hank told me he saw Ashton in an alley off Gower Street propositioning a street hustler... Beyonce was in the crowd, it was really sad, her weave was not in tight enough so she was wearing a dreadful headscarf and kept swatting at tourists who were trying to take her photo ... later on Hank and I joined Antonio and Mel for dinner at Mr. Chows where we dined on dim sum and mango pudding.

After that we drove over to Jeremy Piven's place in Bel Air where he was having a private fete in celebration of his success on "Entourage" as well as the announcement that he'd be hosting the Al Pacino thingy for the American Cinematheque Award ... as always, John Cusack was right at JP's side; those two are inseparable ... later on we found Ashton passed out naked by the pool, somebody had taken a Magic Marker and wrote, "Cheap Date" on his left buttock...Cusak came out to the pool with a video camera and shot the still life and said he was going to send it to "Punk'd"... on our way out we saw Lindsey Lohan in Piven's driveway throwing-up into a potted palm...

Buffalo Burgers

2005-10-18T16:15:00.000-07:00

Got a call from my old buddy, Eric Stillman, the renowned stuntman/body double, this morning ... we decided to grab lunch at Formosa on Santa Monica Blvd to catch up on, and re-hash old times.

I'd met Eric on the set of Scream 2 a few years back when he was playing Jerry O'Connell's stunt double. Eric , in my humble opinion, did some of his best work in this film and after that he pretty much wrote his own ticket as Tinseltown's premiere stuntman.

Got to the Formosa Cafe at noon and was happy to see that Stillman was still full of piss and vinegar ... this was the same old Eric I've known for years. Some of you may remember him as the guy who broke up the Tori Spelling / Charlie Shanian marriage...papa Aaron, it seems, was none too happy with his little princess's choice for husband so he offered Eric two million plus a six picture deal with Lifetime Movies if he could be the wedge between his toothy offspring and the low-rent-Lothario she was shacking up with... Eric spent little time busting the fairytale couple up; however when he went to collect, Aaron reneged on his offer...hello National Enquirer ... you'll be reading all about this in a few months.

We dished Jerry O'Connell over buffalo burgers and curly fries; Eric said that the former fat child star, is so happy with his new body he's doing beefcake photos ... he also told me that he's been dealing to some big players of late ... claims that the LAPD knows it was O'Connell who has been supplying Doris Roberts with ecstasy.

As we sipped iced teas, I asked Eric what films he has been working on, "Just finished the new Merchant Ivory production, I play a dead nobleman, oh and I am up to play Jason in the next Friday the 13th - Friday Fever, and did you see me as corpse number six in that episode of Six Feet Under?" he said, his chest swelling with pride.

"Wow, man, you have been busy", I said searching for a toothpick, "How's your love life?"

I should have left well enough alone, you see Eric has been very unlucky in love; He said, "Well between that bad affair with Anne Heche and that nasty break up with Portia de Rossi - I guess I have been previewing all of Ellen DeGeneres's girl friends...I have to stop dating lesbians, man."

Over a couple of slices of chocolate cheese cake, we discussed Ricky Martin's "comeback". Eric asked me, "Say Dex, is it true what I heard about Ricky Martin in South Beach that time..." before I could say anything he went on, "Geez, am I the only one who hasn't fucked him?"

We both thought long and hard about that one, but could not answer it.

After lunch was over, Eric gave me a ride in his newly refurbished Isotta-Fraschini we crusied La Brea to Sunset and watched as Paris Hilton was mistaken for a hooker in front of the Travelodge, we waved as Hollywood Vice threw her into a paddy-wagon ... saw John Travolta and Tom Cruise coming out of the YMCA ... almost ran over Joan Rivers who was botoxed to within an inch of her life and looked like a zombie in Channel as she crossed Hollywood Blvd...

Eric dropped me back off at my car around three, I got home around four and went through the mail ... opened up a script sent to me by Steven Spielberg, it's called Neely! ; a musical version of Valley of the Dolls ... checked my emails ... wrote my fake blog ... told Guadalupe to make something light for dinner tonight, called Hank in Burbank and then settled in on the sofa with the Spielberg script to see what I could do with it...

Cold Paella Salad

2005-10-17T15:38:00.000-07:00

Celebrate! The Fog was the number one film this weekend! Once again, yours truly was handed a script a year ago (guess which one) and asked to do some fine tuning - dumbed it down to the nth degree and voila! Box office gold!

Diana called this morning about the murder of Daniel Horowitz's wife. Horowitz represented Diana in six of her seventeen divorce proceedings so she said that she was flying out to Lafayette tomorrow to help in any way possible...that's Ms. Luxemburg, ever the caring friend.

Hank left early this morning to go to Burbank to shoot some scenes for an independent film he's working on ... played tennis with Matthew Perry this morning who told me that he saw Doris Roberts passed out in front of The House of Blues on Sunset last night, he said the LAPD had to pick her up and drive her away ... over a couple of Virgin Mary's I told Matt about the trip to the Sheldrake Room on Saturday, told him everyone was asking for him. He said that he was sorry he did not make it, but he and Topher Grace went to The Abbey; he swore he did not drink, but said that young Mr. Grace downed enough gin and vodka to win the Neely O'Hara award, none the less the boys had a great time according to Matt and they checked in to the Holiday Inn on Figueroa to "sleep off" the night's festivities... drove over to Paramount and dropped off the Jim Carey script with all the new revisions... saw Madonna in front of Splendora on Melrose screaming at her daughter and son; no faux British accents, just plain old mid-west trash talk; she's fastly becoming Joan Crawford ... Dana Owens called me on my cell (that's Queen Latifah to you), said she loved the tweaking on her sit-com pilot offered me a gig as head writer, told her I'd consider this option ...

Saw Kurt and Goldie (they both look great, BTW) at Albertsons on Figueroa, we bumped in to each other at the cold cuts case and discussed Ricky Martin's "comeback". Kurt pulled me aside and said that he had heard that I had fucked Ricky that time in South Beach, and I said, "No Kurt, that was you!"

Hooked up with Matt later on and we had an early dinner at Spago and over a couple of cold paella salads we discussed his audition the other day at Disney , he also told me that a ton of residual checks from that old sit-com of his just came in, so that was good ... Hank called me on my cell and said he was home, I picked up a take out of Chinese duck with plum sauce and chinois pancakes to bring back to Mr. Man... on my way to my car, I saw Mel Gibson and a group of Opus Dei members holding a protest march in front of Denny's on Sunset Blvd.

Carrot Cake

2005-10-16T07:44:00.000-07:00

Sonia Braga and Christina Applegate were over Saturday morning for brunch . Guadalupe threw together a wonderful meal that was topped off with a carrot cake that was beyond sinful ... Sonia and I have known each other since '81 when I did a small role in her film, Eu Te Amo . Though I knew little Spanish, I managed to shuck my way through the interview and the director liked me so I got the part of "Madrid Gigolo # 3" - it was a paycheck, plus I got friendly with Sonia, and we've been friends ever since...Christina and I met when I did some script work on "Don't Tell Mom, The Baby sitter's Dead", what a sweetheart that one...Hank was his usual self entertaining the ladies with his tales of Hollywood hi jinx and since both he and Appelgate have both recently done Broadway, they both dished about the recent crop of left coasters treading the Great White Way.

After our meal, we repaired to the garden where we took coffee and discussed Ricky Martin's "comeback". Sonia said that she had heard that Hank had fucked Ricky in South Beach one time, Christina said she had heard that it was Sonia who had fucked him, I said I heard it was Christina...we laughed and decided that we'd better call Carrie Fisher and settle this once and for all...Later on Christina said that she'd been talking to Scott Baio and that he was furious over the upcoming release of "Disco Nation" on DVD. She asked what the problem was, I asked if she'd ever seen the film, Sonia interjected that she HAD seen the film and sort of enjoyed it; she especially liked the scene where Scott, Steve Guttenburg and I do that dance number in the locker room dressed in nothing but tube socks and jock straps... discussed Tom and Katie and all agreed that it had to be a turkey baster conception.

The ladies left around six and Hank and I got ready for the private party Clooney was hosting at the Sheldrake Room...got there around nine and saw that Brad Pitt, Jeremy Piven, Ben Stiller, Harrison Ford, Robert Forster (who looks great, btw), Michael Keaton, Shemar Moore, Jamie Foxx and Peter Krause were all there. Played Texas Hold 'Em with Pitt, Clooney and Forster and smoked some great Mexican with Foxx and Krause. Went into the play room later and discovered exactly why it is that Ben Stiller has such a lucrative career in Hollywood.

Got home around two and Hank crashed out. I grabbed a piece of left over carrot cake, went to my computer, blogged about my fictional life and then went to bed at around three thirty...

Butter Pecan

2005-10-14T13:47:00.000-07:00

Went to pick up Mr. Man at LAX this morning ... Matt is being a real pain and he tagged along and hopped in the middle of the back seat (Guadalupe's son, Ramon, our driver, shot this photo from the front seat)... Hank wanted ice-cream so we stopped at Eiger Ice Cream I got a vanilla, Matt got a kiwi frosted, and Hank got a butter pecan cone ... got home and spent the balance of the morning in bed ... of course Matthew joined us for a while and that was OK because he's pretty good at juggling four balls and playing two harmonicas at the same time ... we sent him out later and enjoyed some much needed alone time.

This afternoon, dropped Hank off at Fox Studio so he could sign some papers for next season's Simpson's ... went over to see my attorney Saul Rabinowitz to discuss the "Disco Nation" situation, Rabinowitz says that he has spoken to Scott Baio as well as Linda Blair and Steve Gutenberg. Looks like Kate Jackson might be the fly in the ointment as she is desperate for any kind of work these days and wants to do the commentary track for the disc... got stopped for an autograph by a middle aged woman in front of the Walgreen's who asked me, "Weren't you in that movie with Janet Leigh where you played her younger boyfriend who dies in her arms? Oh gosh, it is you! I love that movie, what was it called?"

"The Night The Lights Went Down on Broadway," I replied signing her store receipt.

Took the Jim Carey script to Starbucks and began revising and re-writing problem sections. Decided that Jeremy Piven will be nude in every scene he is in, and that the hot cheerleader will not wear a bra when she is doing her routine ... took a call on my cell from George Clooney invited me and Hanky to a private event at The Sheldrake Room on Saturday night. Told him I'd check, but it should not be a problem ... bumped into Sharon Stone leaving Starbucks, she looks like shit; we air-kissed and she was going on about "Basic Instinct II", from what she said, it sounds like it's going to stink - it'll probably make a million.

Picked Hank up and we drove the Pacific Coast Highway to Malibu and had lunch at Duke's Malibu ... saw Bette Midler and Martin, god they seem so happy, good for them ... gave Hank the watch I bought him the other day he smiled and gave me a small wrapped package from Barney's, I opened and found a pair of solid gold cuff-links... later on we walked the beach and found a private sand dune and prayed that no paparazzi were hiding in the sea-grass...

Got back home at seven and found that Guadalupe had made a fabulous Italian meal ... ate and then took coffee by the pool...we discussed Ricky Martin's "comeback" and Hank asked, "Dex, didn't you fuck Ricky Martin that time in South Beach?" I laughed, and said, "No honey, I think that was Harrison Ford who fucked him..."

Brioche filled with Gelato

2005-10-13T15:29:00.000-07:00

Guadalupe is feeling better, thank god, she made a marvelous breakfast today and got Matthew Perry off to his audition at Disney for the voice of a cartoon hamster in their new project. I sipped the delicious coffee set out for me in the dining room and scanned the dailies, read Diana's column in Variety and then, realizing that I had a few hours before I had to go to Paramount to meet with the suits concerning the Olsen Twin's script, I went to my home office and blogged about my fictitious life in New Jersey... it keeps the creative juices flowing.

Got to Paramount at ten and met with the execs ... they heaped praise upon my tweaking of the Olsen Twin's script and then asked me if I was interested in doing some work on the new Jim Carey script ... I agreed provided I got the usual 50.000 retainer; they acquiesced and handed me the script as well as a check.

After the bank, I went to the West Hollywood Tennis Courts and hit a few with Dean Cain, who told me over Gatorade that he's considering doing a line of Radio Shack ads, he figures that all worked so well for Terri Hatcher... I told him that he should guest star on "Desperate Housewives", it'd be like a "Lois & Clark" reunion!

Got home around three and took a gander at the Carey script, it's a real piece of shit, probably going to make a billion! Saw that Jeremy Piven has a supporting role ... will write in a nude, or at least, shirtless scene for him...am also thinking of changing the character of the wise homeless man to an overachieving high school cheerleader...

Slept for a few hours and then dressed for Diana's cocktail party.

Arrived at Casa De Luxemburg at seven and was greeted by Escovela, Diana's maid who showed me in to the party ... grabbed a seat next to Pam Grier (who looks fantastic) and we dished Samuel Jackson and Quentin Tarantino ... later on I joined Carrie Fisher and Harrison Ford poolside where we noshed on brioche filled with gelato and discussed Ricky Martin's "comeback". Carrie was feeling playful when she said, "Say Harry, didn't you fuck Ricky Martin that time at South Beach?" Ford choked on his Moroccan date stuffed with goat cheese, smiled and excused himself. Carrie offered me a Percocet that I accepted and washed down with an Evian with a twist of lime... meandered over to the media room and bumped into Kathleen Turner, we shared a couple of Marlboro's and she told me about her recent Broadway triumph. I toasted the brassy broad with my sparkling water and she toasted me with a Tom Collins... did a line of coke with Paris Hilton in the bathroom (who was then forcibly escorted out of the party by an armed security guard) ... joined everyone in the ballroom where Diana was presented with a limited reproduction print of the poster for her film, "Memory, Sweet Memory" by a studio executive who announced the film's gala DVD release plans... sipped a cup of coffee with Shelly Winters on the patio who shocked me when she said she remembered me and my film, “Blame It On Buenos Aires”; "You really looked good in that speedo, if memory serves!" Winter said laughing. I blushed and thanked her and made my way back into the house ... said my good-nights to Diana and on my way out, Topher Grace came over and slipped something into my shirt pocket.

Got home around one and undressed, discovered Topher Grace had given me his cell phone number, gave it to Matt who thanked me ... we jumped into the hot tub together and I gave him a Percocet and later on he showed me how long he could stay under-water with out coming up for air, a talent he said he learned from Bruce Willis on the set of "The Whole Nine Yards"...

Hamburger

2005-10-12T18:31:00.000-07:00

Matt and I hung out at the Viper Room last night. Morbid place, out-of-towners still put flowers and candles on the sidewalk in memory of River Phoenix. Saw Orlando Bloom trying to pick up a couple of leather men outside the men's room. Matt and I placed bets on how long it would take for the three of them to lock themselves in a stall.

Since Matt is in A.A. again, and I don't drink, we nursed a couple of Diet Cokes and smoked some great Colombian we got from Sally Kirkland at a party we went to last week.

My cell phone rang, the band was playing so I stepped outside to take the call, had to step over poor Doris Roberts who was passed out on the sidewalk (she's been a wreck ever since that little show of hers went off the air -- you'd think the sixteen Emmy's she got would temper her self destructive behavior). It was Diana reminding me that she was having a cocktail party tomorrow night. She also told me that the DVD commentary is a go but she has to see a dialogue coach since it's been so long since she had done any public speaking.

Back in the club, Matt was standing at the bar, I stopped him from getting a complimentary Screaming Orgasm and suggested we head over to Denny's for a bite to eat.

In the parking lot we were almost run over by Stockard Channing. Matt yelled out, "Look at me, I'm Sandra Dee!" Channing flipped us the bird and we laughed climbing into my '56 Ferrari 860 Monza and drove down Sunset to the restaurant.

Saw Mel Gibson at the counter, he was arguing with the clerk because his credit card was being denied...got a seat and ordered two burgers, bloody, and then told the waitress, Sunny, to keep the java coming ... told Matt about the Olsen Twin's script with the nude scene. He thinks it's money!

Scoffed down our burger's and watched as Gibson was hauled away screaming that he was going to bring down the wrath of Opus Dei on this establishment...left a big tip for Sunny and headed home.

Matt asked if he could sleep in my bed with me tonight, I agreed provided he used one of these..

Cornflakes

2005-10-11T19:05:00.000-07:00

Went to the Whiskey A Go Go last night and bumped in to Matt Damon. He bummed a cigarette and then told me that Ben never returns his calls. I ditched Damon in the crowd, smoked a joint with some girl named, Bambi from Malibu...got bored and left, walked over to Denny's and had a cup of bad coffee. Got home around two in the morning, found Matthew Perry asleep in my bed, threw him out because he snores so bad ... fell asleep reading latest script from The Olsen Twin's agent (piece of crap is going to make a shit-load of money since I wrote in a nude scene).

Woke up around ten and found my housekeeper, Guadalupe, had called out sick so I was on my own for breakfast. Woke Matt up and told him he was due at his A.A. meeting. Poured a bowl of cornflakes and read the dailies. Called Paramount and told them I was faxing over the Olsen Twin's script with the revisions. Finished up cornflakes and took a call from Scott Baio who said he heard that "Disco Nation" was slated for a DVD release next month ... wanted to know if there was anything we could do to stop this. Told him that we should call Linda Blair, Kate Jackson and the rest of the cast to file some kind of class action to halt it. Made a conference call with Baio and my attorney, Saul Rabinowitz who would look into the matter.

Called Hank in NYC and then spent the rest of the day working on some revisions for the new Television Plot / Star Vehicle being planned for Queen Latifah...

I hate cornflakes.

Lunch Date

2005-10-10T16:17:00.000-07:00

Had lunch with Diana Luxemburg today at the Bel Air (that's it on the left) ... Discussed the whole Tom/Katie thing, decided that she was impregnated by someone high up in the Scientology movement. Realized that the child would be due in June of 2006; Diana gasped, "Six, six, six! Dear god, it's L Ron's. I heard somewhere that they had his seed flash frozen!"

We assumed that the birth of baby Cruise would be akin to the final scene from "Rosemary's Baby" with poor Katie screaming, "What have you done to his eyes!" While John Travolta says, "He has his father's eyes!" Then Katie screams, "Tom's eyes are NORMAL!" Then Kristie yells out, "L.Ron is his father - The year is ONE!!"

Over a luscious blood sausage cannelloni and rabbit shoulder paired with dried figs and apricot purée; we talked about my Hanky. Between "Huff" and "Spamalot", Mr. Man has been very busy. Luckily, Matt Perry has been staying in the guest house. Diana stopped me, and said, "You mean you're fucking Matthew Perry while Hank's away?" I laughed and said, "Well sort of, besides Hank suggested it!"

Diana put her Harvey Wallbanger down and rolled her eyes, "And to think, I fucked him before he got that gig on Friends"! We both laughed and toasted to bi-sexual chic.

As we sipped our after meal lattes, Diana announced that "Memory, Sweet Memory" was going to be released around the holidays on DVD, "MGM promises that they are going to give this release a big push, next week, I have to go Studio City to record a commentary track with the director!" she said smiling her million dollar grin, "My first 25th Anniversary Director's Cut DVD!"

After lunch, we strolled through The Beverly Center I picked up Hank a TAG Heuer Carrera Automatic Chronograph Tachymeter as a welcome home gift (he's due back next week).

Finishing up our afternoon, Diana told me that she had a five thirty appointment with Courtney Love (fresh out of rehab again), seems that Love had some stories to share and Diana was going to pad them for her column in Variety next week.

Said our goodbyes and then I jumped into my '56 Ferrari 860 Monza, put on my Ray-Ban's and headed on home.