Thriving in the Desert

So guess who has been named Death Valley Hostess of the Month?

None other than our own Guadalupe!

Here's a photo of my former housekeeper, and now, hostess and head chef of the Motel Desert Lodge, as featured in last weeks, "Death Valley Times". Way to go, 'Lupe!

I've been very busy lately. Eric Stillman and his wife have been staying with us for the past few weeks while he is filming his latest opus, "Dust Rats" in Barstow. Luckily he has had weekends off and has assisted me in refurbishing the motel's pool area.

We worked our asses off and now the pool and spa are worthy of guests!

And a big thank you to Mrs. Stillman who aside from her fabulous gardening tips, and taking care of the iguanas in the petting zoo; has also been tutoring Guadalupe for her citizenship test.

Anyway, here is a shot of the pool area after Stillman and I finished it off last week. Man, we worked our tails off shaping it up, but it looks great, if I say so myself!

Stillman thinks that I should call the old crowd from Hollywood to christen the place after all of the renovations are done, but I don't know if I'm ready to see that crew again.

Hank has sent me several telegrams (since cell phone service is a bit hit or miss out here) begging me to come home. I just wired him and told him that if he really misses me, he can come out here ... I sent him a map.

Well, that's all for now. We have a bar-mitzvah to host tonight, and before that I have to run one of the iguanas over to the vet in Devil's Hole because it has some kind of scale infection.

Well gang, that's all for now!

Alive and Well in Death Valley

What? Did you guys think I was dead or something?

Gang, if Dex Baxter is anything, its a survivor!

And I am doing more than surviving, I am flourishing as the proprietor and owner of the Desert Lodge Motel and Cafe in Death Valley California.

OK, alright, I guess I am getting ahead of myself a bit as I am sure you are curious as to how I ended up here ... fine, pull up a chair, smoke 'em if you got 'em, and let Uncle Dex tell you a story.

_____

Once upon a time there was a very successful script doctor named Dex Baxter, who lived on a hill just off of Mulholland drive in a magic kingdom known as Hollywood. The man shared his beautiful home with a semi-famous actor named Hank Azaria, and for the most part, they were very happy.

Dex and Hank were lucky men. They both did what they loved for a living, had a group of rich and famous friends, got invited to the best parties in town and generally lived life in the fast lane.

Unfortunately for Dex, he had his demons, and they followed him constantly.

As a young man, Dex fought valiantly against his personal monsters, and usually he came out on top (with the occasional tumble in the dirt). But thanks to the support of friends, he was able to stay on the straight and narrow.

But one day, it all just became too much for our hero and he stared the demon down, and this time the demon won and sent Dex on a downward spiral that sent him to the Kingdom of Rehab.

It was while he was at this Kingdom that Dex realized that the only way he'd ever forever defeat his addictions was to leave them behind ... and so, on the night before he was supposed to leave the Kingdom of Rehab, he jumped a Greyhound Bus with five hundred thousand in cash in his pocket and got off at a dusty old motel in the middle of the desert, and there, he found peace, contentment and a sense of belonging.

How's that for a start?

It's all true!

On November 19th, at four in the afternoon, I walked into the Desert Lodge Motel and Cafe' and with one look, I knew that this was the place for me. With its ten motel rooms, swimming pool, iguana petting zoo, clapboard and stucco bar and grille ... what can I say, this dusty and weather beaten establishment seemed to be calling to me. So, I made an offer to the owner, a crusty old character by the name of Gordy, and twenty thousand bucks later, I held the deed, liquor license and keys to the establishment in my hot little hands.

I have not left everything behind, no, I still have some contacts from the old days. Eric Stillman has been a big help (who do you think took the Warhol portrait from Paramount and then sold it to a collector in Van Nuys for a cool million? That money is now invested in a Swiss Bank account ... some money for a rainy day).

Guadalupe has also joined me in this venture ... actually she stopped into the cafe one night while running immigrants across the desert in her modified camper van (she rakes in a pretty penny for this -- no judgments on my part), needless to say we were both shocked to see each other. I remember her saying to me, "Oh Mr. Dex, we were all so worried for you, Mr. Hank is so upset, you must call him! Oh Madre Mia!" When she finally calmed, I talked her into staying on here in Death Valley with me ... we now serve the best quesadillas east of Mexico City here at the Desert Lodge Motel Cafe.

But I got to tell you, I love this life. No more hustling for the studios, or boring parties, or tripping over Doris Roberts in my driveway ... no sir, now you can find me behind the bar here, serving up beers to cowboys and mixed drinks to lost tourists; or making sure that the rooms are clean and ready for guests ... this is as close as I've ever come to a vision quest.

I have a lot more to say, but wireless computer connections are a bit haphazard here in Death Valley, so I have to sign off, feed the iguanas and then get ready for the dinner crowd tonight.

Reward Doubled For Any Information Leading To Finding Dex Baxter

Press Release: From the Office of Saul Rabinowitz:

With the LAPD reporting no leads in the disappearance of Hollywood Insider, Dex Baxter. My office has been authorized by Mr. Baxter's partner, Hank Azaria as well as Matthew Perry and Eric Stillman to double all financial rewards that were being offered previously.

To add to the mystery surrounding Dex's disappearance, it was recently reported that the Warhol lithograph of Mr. Baxter, which had been on loan to Paramount Studios, has apparently been stolen.

Dex's housekeeper, Guadalupe Lopez, has graciously offered to field all emails and phone calls concerning Mr. Baxter's disappearance. You can contact her with any information at 1.800.555.0121 or via email at quadalupe@crenshaw.net .

From Today's Editon of the Los Angeles Times

Hollywood Insider Missing, Foul Play is Feared:
11.25.06


Dex Baxter the one time actor and later (mostly uncredited) "script doctor" for hundreds of films, was reported missing last week by his Attorney, Saul Rabinowitz.

Baxter was due to be discharged from Promises Rehabilitation center on November 18th, and according to the staff of the center, was in very good spirits when he was last seen on the night of the 17th in the facility's coffee bar.

Arriving on the scene from seemingly nowhere, Baxter made his mark in such films as 1978's "Memory, Sweet Memory" and the celebrated "The Night the Lights went down on Broadway" where he played Janet Leigh's much younger love interest.

A string of other films followed until the romantic comedy, "Blame It On Buenos Aires" when Baxter checked into rehab for the first time after the completion of that project.

Out of rehab, several months later, Baxter found himself appearing in the musical, "Disco Nation", a film so despised and ridiculed it effectively killed his acting career.

Several years later, Baxter reinvented himself as a talent scout and was credited as the man who discovered Brad Pitt, George Clooney and others. It was also during this time that Baxter's friend, Carrie Fisher contacted him to help her fine tune a script she was working on. To this day, the word in Hollywood is that Baxter was the one who created the infamous deli-orgasm scene in "When Harry Met Sally".

From this point, Baxter became the go-to-guy when scripts needed repair. While he may have not received any credit for the films he worked on, Baxter was reportedly paid very handsomely for his work.

Recently, it is reported that Baxter shares a spacious Tudor style home just off of Mulholland drive with actor, Hank Azaria.

Besides Azaria, Baxter counts other Hollywood stars as close friends including, Matthew Perry (whose character on NBC's "Studio 60" is said to be based on) and up and coming action star, Eric Stillman.

Azaria, Perry and Stillman have all offered cash rewards to anyone that might know of Baxter's whereabouts.

Police have not ruled out foul play in this dissaparence and have questioned actress, Doris Roberts, though Detective Walter Neff of the LAPD said that, "Ms. Roberts is not a suspect at this time, we merely wanted to question her."

A Desperate Plea to the Fans of Dex Baxter

My name is Saul Rabinowitz. I am Dex Baxter's personal attorney, and it is with a heavy heart that I write the following:


On or about November 18th, 2006, the staff at Promises Residential Treatment center located in Malibu California, reported that Mr. Baxter vanished from the facility. Surprisingly, Mr. Baxter was due to be discharged on Sunday (November 19th).


According to Mr. Baxter's personal counselor, Dex had successfully finished his treatment and was once again ready to re-enter society.


Mr. Baxter was due at MGM Studios on Monday to lay down a commentary track for the DVD release of his classic film, Disco Nation.


On the left you will see the most recent picture of Dex taken at the Encino 7-11 the night before Mr. Baxter was admitted to Promises. The picture was taken with the store's security camera.


Dex's Business and Life Partner, Hank Azaria is offering a reward of one million dollars to the person or person's with any information leading to the finding and safe return of Mr. Baxter. Additionally, Dex's friends, Matthew Perry and Eric Stillman have pledged an additional five hundred thousand dollars towards this end.


If you have any information concerning Mr. Baxter's whereabouts, please contact me at 1.800.555.0121 or email us at quadalupe@crenshaw.net.


All responses will be kept in the strictest of confidence.


Thank you,
Saul Rabinowitz, Esq.

Dex Interrupted

My name is Dex Baxter, and I'm an alcoholic.


Yes, it's true, you probably read about it in Entertainment Weekly or The National Enquirer, but yours truly is currently "resting" at Promises Rehabilitation Center.

I really thought I had this thing beat, but the demon can rise up and bite you in the ass at any time, and now I have am convalescing at the very spot that Ben Affleck, Diana Ross and Robert Downey Jr. dried out. Actually as rehab centers go, this place is pretty chic. It wouldn't be half bad if they could just put Doris Roberts into a sound proof room, that crazy bitch is always screaming at the top of her lungs...sometimes I wish someone would just slip her a vodka and tonic with a couple of Seconals so she'd pass out...

So your probably asking yourself, "Dex, wha' happened, man?"

Well it went like this...

My last day of sobriety occurred on Sunday July 30th when Hank and I drove on down to the Malibu home of my good pal, Eric Stillman, and his lovely wife, Erica. The Stillman's are new Hollywood royalty. Eric's got about ten different film offers, an Oscar, an action figure ("El Grande Supra Supreme!" - marketed by Mattel), and a line of men's wear that is due to hit Macy's any day now! Meanwhile, the little woman, is now the most sort after elocutionist in town! They are literally beating a pathway to the door of Erica to learn how to properly roll their R's and pronounce words like,"disestablishmentarianism".

We got to the party early and The S-Man was in rare form, handing out cigars to Hank and me and showing off his new bride as well as giving us a tour of his new digs...I was so happy for him. He deserves his success. I managed to spend some time with Erica and she was so sweet, she told me that when she was a kid, her favorite film was, "Disco Nation". She even sang me one of the songs from the soundtrack! I immediately knew what Eric saw in the saucy gal from New Jersey.

Then the other guests began arriving and the party kicked into high gear. Brad and Angie showed up with Maddox and Shiloh (such cute kids ) Beyonce and Jay Z, Tom and Rita...it was a regular who's who of the rich and vapid! Sometime around five or so, Faye Dunaway popped in and when she saw me she cried out, " Dex darling, point me in the direction of the bar, I've had a dreadful day!" So I escorted Dunaway to the well stocked bar while she prattled on about her problems...eventually I was able to shake her and go and say high to Matt and Lance (Hollywood's other hot couple of the moment)...those crazy guys jogged all the way over from Burbank! When Dunaway spied them she cried out, "Get a room, boys! One with a working shower!!!!!" A roar of laughter swept through the crowd and someone cried out (I think it was Quentin Tarantino), "Look out, Faye's getting lit!"

Everyone was having a grand time, and when Stillman managed to break away from the crowd, he made his way over and put his arm around my shoulder, and said, "Old man, I owe you big time! None of this could have happened with out your support!" I raised my glass of ginger ale and toasted him and said, "Nonsense, you did this the old fashioned way; you slept your way to the top!" We both roared with laughter and then Stillman produced a joint and we indulged in some wacky spliff and were having a great old time until...

...we heard someone shouting from the road in front of Stillman's home, it sounded like a crazed man...it turned out to be Mel Gibson (one in the same), he was yelling, "I AM THE KING OF MALIBU!!!!" Faster than you could have said, "Braveheart", it was sheer bedlam! Party guests were running to the front yard of Cassa Stillman where they saw Mel in his underwear, brandishing a bottle of Dark Eyes Vodka like a club, twirling it around his head, foam coming from his mouth, his eyes wild like a sow in heat...and then he caught a glimpse of the crowd gathering and cried out, "THE JEW'S RUN HOLLYWOOD!!!" With that he gulped the rest of the contents of the bottle and threw it in a trajectory that came close to smashing our host square in the noggin. Stillman ducked and said, "Nobody ruins a party in this town, except me!!" and just as he was about to charge the madman, Dunaway grabbed his arm and said, "Allow me to deal with this, darling. I've had experience with the mentally deranged".

Tossing her martini aside to the lawn, Faye glided over to Gibson and gently said, "Mel, darling, everyone knows that the Scientologists run this town now, the Jews haven't held sway since Mr. Mayer died".

Gibson looked at her for a second, seemingly trying to comprehend what she was saying, and in the blink of an eye, Faye brought her knee up and gave him a kick in the balls that sent him falling to the ground like a sack of potatoes.

"Fuck off, darling", she said gently turning, lightning a cigarette, and making her way back to the crowd where a spontaneous round of applause rang out.

Stillman and his bride stood mouth's agape and turned to me and Hank, who smiled and said in a nonchalant manner, "Don't fuck with Faye."

After the police came and took Mel away, the party went into overdrive and I soon found myself getting caught up in the reverie.

Now here's where things start to get blurry.

Someone handed me a drink, I think it might have been Shilo or maybe one of the Olsen Twins, anyway, assuming it was a soft drink I gulped it down and quicker than you could say "Postcards From the Edge", I found myself snarfing down the Cutty Sark and several beers...oh man it felt great, like coming home!

At some point in the evening I found myself dancing with Jamie Lee Curtis and she kept saying, "Dex, I never knew you were so light on your feet!" Was I ever!

Later on I was in the bathroom with Keanu Reeves doing a couple of lines of blow...AWESOME!

Eventually I found myself on the beach walking alone, my mind a whirl of images, my mouth feeling like a place where spiders go to die.

Hank and Stillman found me passed out on a sand dune.

Hello rock bottom.


They checked me in to Promises the next morning.
**********

As rehab centers go, this place ain't too shabby. Mind you I've done Betty Ford and Passages in Malibu; Promises has them all beat hands down.

My private room has been dubbed The Matthew Perry Suite by the staff (Matt stayed in this very room on several occasions). ---ah, an aside, how great is Matt on Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip? Anyone care to guess who is character is based on? Anyone, anyone, Buehler?---

Let me tell you a little about some of the other guests at Hotel California...this morning, Congressman Mark Foley checked in, he keeps asking if there is wireless Internet service here ... Lyndsay Lohan is in the out patient clinic, damn bitch keeps stopping by my room asking if she can bum a smoke ... Robin Williams is next door and he and I have been playing scrabble to while away the afternoons...

Carrie Fisher stops by almost every day, she keeps telling me that if I really want this stay to be successful, I need to write a book about the experience (she ought to know). Hank also comes by every day, and today he brought our housekeeper Guadalupe who, as you may or may not know, just made a ton of cash when she snapped and sold some photos to The Star of Tom Cruise and Ricky Martin wrestling nude at a rest stop off the PCH. I am so proud of her!

Scripts are still pouring in, and I am still working on my own project, so that ought to keep me busy while I am here...what else can I say?

See you all in 28 days!