You may wonder what the biggest thrill of Oscar night 2006 was for the house of Baxter / Azaria ... might it have been the big win of a certain friend? Or possibly the award that went to my good buddy, Mr. Clooney? Mayhaps it was the chance to see former Sheldrake Room regular, Will Smith, speaking in French while on stage...then again...maybe it was...
...the fact that several of Hollywood's hottest babes were outfitted by the most sought after designer of glad-rags in Tinseltown these days; Guadalupe of Crenshaw! Yes it's true! Maybe you saw Charlize Theron sporting that little number that came with it's own shoulder pillow (should the wearer want to nod off during one of the long acceptance speeches), or perhaps you caught Sandra Bullock in that natty little number that was stitched together using some old slip covers (speaking of Ms. B: where the heck is Jesse these days, I'm just asking is all) ... my housekeeper has quite a little cottage industry going for herself, and I am damn proud of her;¡La manera de Ir, Guadalupe!
Of course, by now you have read that Eric Stillman won the award for Best Actor in A Foreign Independent Film. Needless to say it was sheer bedlam in center row five of The Kodak
Theatre when his name was called. Stillman, who brought Liza Minnelli along as his date, nearly decapitated Dolly Parton, when he jumped from his seat and hopped over the next few rows to get to the stage...meanwhile, Hank and I were high-fiving everyone while Liza (who had brought along a portable mini-bar) was pouring champagne into small plastic glasses and passing them down the row screaming, "That's my boy, give 'em hell, baby!!!" Oh and how about that acceptance speech? In a rolling, cacophony of sounds and emotions, The S Man thanked everyone from his third grade elocution teacher, his Kabbalah instructor, as well as "All the former straight women I have dated"...needless to say, I wiped a tear from my eye when he thanked yours truly for always "having faith in me, no matter what catastrophe followed in my wake". A thunderous standing ovation followed and yes, a star was born!
Since Hank had to fly back to NYC the next morning to continue Spam A Lot, I dropped him off back at the house so he could get some sleep and then had the limo take me to the Vanity Fair party; Stillman and Minnelli were going to meet me there... the first thing I saw when I got out of the limo was a truly horrifying creature
who approached me and said in broken English, "Dahling, Help! I Must Moisturize before I turn to Dust!!!" I threw my bottle of Evian water at the beast and watched as the liquid was absorbed into every available pore of the she-beast!
Dashing past the paparazi I bumped into Jake Gyllenhaal and Peter Sarsgaard, 
"See you at Clooney's party at The Sheldrake Room tonight?" Cried Mr. Brokeback. "Bring your saddle, cowboy", I shot back and continued on my way through the throng of celebs...I finally caught up with Stillman and Liza with a Z, the happy couple was holding court at a small table surrounded by press. Liza saw me first and yelled out, "Dex, sweetheart, over here!!". When I sat down she tried to shove a daiquiri in my hand so I had to remind her that I was in A.A.; looking quizzical for a second she then smiled and said, "Oh yeah, me too!" and preceded to down the cocktail ... Stillman excused himself from the reporters for a second and turned to me and, flushed with his recent success proclaimed, "Baxter, old man, I feel like the king of the world tonight! My god, you won't believe the offers coming my way ... listen, I have about twenty scripts that were slipped my way stashed in the limo, could you look them over in the next few weeks, I want your honest opinion on them..." I assured my good pal that I would take a gander at what he had and at that same moment, 
Madonna plopped herself down at our table and gave me a quick peck on the cheek and tried to slip Stillman her digits ... Liza, whose something of a hawk-eye, looked up at Mrs. Richie and said, "Beat it, sister skank, he's all mine!" and with that, The Material Girl slinked off into the night...
Realizing that this was Eric's night, I left him and Liza to the ever increasing bevy of new fans and tried to make my exit, but not before a photographer tried to snap a picture of me and my protege ... goddamn, at least you can see our suits!
yours truly and The S ManAt the sidewalk hailing my car, Matt Dillon dashed over and said, "Yo, Baxter - want to share a ride to The Sheldrake?" I agreed and on the way to downtown, we shared a joint and talked about the night's festivities..."Christ, my one chance at an Oscar and fucking Clooney beats me! Not like it's going to be the only one that bastard gets!" At first I thought he might be smarting but Dillon's a good guy, he was just busting stones and then we lit a couple of cigars and he said, "Oh wait, you still on the wagon? Because now is the time to fall off, have you had a 'Strawberry Quickie'? It's Strawberry Quick and vanilla vodka with a splash of heavy cream; Sandy Bullock had a flask full of it and kept passing it around during the awards ceremony, you've got to try one!" I explained that I was still dry but agreed that it sounded great as the car continued on through the magical Hollywood night...
