Citrus-Marinated Grilled Turkey

The mystery of why Matt has been trying to return to the booze was revealed today when I discovered THIS on the MSN Entertainment web page...poor Perry, why the numb-nut who was doing a piece on face-lifts felt the need to poke fun at him for the weight gain period a few years back is beyond me ... then again, the scribe who penned this piece is making 50 thou a year, while Matthew lives the good life ... I called my attorney and put him in touch with Matt ... Later on Tyler Florence called and said he was in town for some PR work and wanted to know if we could get together. Told him that my cook was off today, so why not come over and make me lunch ... he's such a fame-whore he agreed provided I have a few of my a-list friends over to enjoy the meal ... Made a few quick calls and managed to get Shirley Maclaine on the phone and invited her over, she asked if it was alright if she brought Jack Nicholson and I said that was aces as long as he didn't bring that skinny bitch, Lara Flynn Boyle with him, Maclaine said they were kaput and it would be just her and Jack; a regular "Terms of Endearment" reunion... seeing that Jack was coming I made sure the bar was well stocked and that ashtrays were strategically placed through out the dining room and den ...

Chef Florence showed up around ten and had a staff of twelve handsome men of European decent whom he claimed were his assistants ... my kitchen was taken over by this army of culinary hunks who set about whipping up a meal that featured Citrus-Marinated Grilled Turkey , mashed turnips au gratin, and various other tasty treats ... Once Tyler got everything coordinated, he joined me by the pool and we talked about his life... I'd met him back in 94 when he was just starting out in the biz, he was sitting in a bar in West Hollywood and was nursing a champagne cocktail, I remember we talked about his ambitions and after a few drinks we checked into the Hyatt on Sunset Blvd, and all night long, he showed me his best recipes; a few days later I introduced him to the owner of Cibo in New York City and the rest is gastronomical history... "I owe you, Dex", he said checking his Blackberry, "If it was not for you, I'd be flipping burgers in Bosie". We laughed and then gossiped about Giada De Laurentiis ; "That is one lucky bitch, she can't boil water, but well, she has other talents so, she has her own show!" Again we laughed and both nodded our heads...

Jack and Shirley arrived together at one pm. Maclaine looked great in an Oscar de la Renta pant suit that fit her still perfect figure, "Sweetie, how are you?!?" she said giving me a hug and an air kiss, "Is Hank still away?" I told her he was and Nicholson walked in behind her and said, "Dex, I need an ashtray and a good stiff drink, can you set me up, pal?"

One of Tyler's assistants doubled as a bartender and served up a scotch on the rocks to Nicholson who took a swig and said, "Keep 'em coming, Sparky"... Meanwhile Maclaine put her arm around Tyler and was making small talk with him ... I drank seltzer water while Nicholson and I talked about the Laker's up-coming season as well as politics ... Shirley said that she was not drinking as she has to be in tip-top shape for the European press junket for "In Her Shoes" which starts in a week ... Lunch was served at two and it was sublime, at least I thought so, but Nicholson kept asking for salt every time he tasted something ... Tyler kept his cool though... after our meal we took coffee in the garden ... It was there that Nicholson announced the reason he'd dumped Lara Flynn, "She kept throwing up in the potted palms in my driveway after a meal, it was repulsive!"

The guests left around four and Tyler sent his army back once they'd cleaned up the kitchen; we repaired to the hot tub and Tyler said that he'd heard this rumor that Rachel Ray had fucked Ricky Martin that time in South Beach...