Guinness Stout

My god kids, there is so much to celebrate these days in Hollywood- Land...first, of course, is the certain crumbling of a certain "relationship" featuring a certain (turkey baster impregnated) young actress to a certain closet case Scientologist; what will he be jumping sofas over next, one wonders...

There is also cause to celebrate as Matt Perry who is hard at work on his new series (just like I reported HERE --scroll down a bit, you'll find it), and Matt is playing a writer (based on whom, I'm not sayin') for a sketch comedy show ...read all about it HERE.

And of course, Eric Stillman's star is heading so high up in the firmament, it may very well eclipse the sun! "King Of Denial" is a go, as well as an animated series based on "El Grande Supra", and last, but certainly not least, Stillman, his film, and the film's director are all nominated for Academy Awards.

Like I reported last time, I managed to get a hold of my old agent, Wilma Stonecutter from The William Morris Agency, to represent The S Man. Wilma grilled me for about an hour over the phone before she agreed to handle Eric; Wilma did not balk over the Mafia run-ins ("Kid stuff", she snorted), or the Colombian drug cartel ("So 1994", she sighed)...then she got personal and asked me about his sex-life. I told her that as far as I knew he was straight and this made her bristle and say, "Oh Christ, he's not a baseball fan is he?" I told her that I was not aware if he was or not, and why would that matter, to which she replied, "Look honey, hetero is OK, but if he's a baseball fan, I've got two words, Kevin Costner...and you know where his career is these days..." With that business out of the way, Stonecutter agreed to taking Stillman on and said she'd have the contracts drawn up and sent out to him in a day. In the mean time, she advised me to keep him away from the press and not let him sign anything until she looks at it. Done and done I promised...

While the rest of the world was sequestered at the Grammy Awards, Hank and I were busy throwing Mister Stillman his official Hollywood 'Coming Out' party; and boy howdy, did we throw him a fucking blast... I made a few calls and had Wolfgang Puck cater the whole affair, thusly giving my housekeeper, Guadalupe the night off. I also told her that I wanted her to come to the party as a guest and she was so thrilled (as I soon discovered that she and one of Stillman's "El Grande Supra" co- stars, Xavier Gomez, have been making goo-goo eyes at each other since the Golden Globe awards)...before the night's events kicked off, Stillman and his lady, Scarlett Johanson (who were staying in our pool house) showed up in the kitchen with a problem; seemed that Eric's tux was here, but that Johanson's evening gown was lost somewhere. Once again, Guadalupe to the rescue as she ripped a set of drapes from the guest room window, pulled out the sewing machine and said, "OK skinny girl with the big senos, come on let's make the magic..." An hour later, Scarlett descended the stair case looking drop-dead movie star gorgeous in a Guadalupe of Crenshaw Original.

One disaster avoided, the guests began arriving ... Faye Dunaway was the first and she plowed into the hall saying, "Dex, thanks for the invite. Point me to the bar and to that DARLING boy, Skillman, Tillman...whatever the hell his name is, I want him to know that he is forgiven for Christmas eve..." and before I could say or do anything she made her way to the bar...Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins were next (they looked great, BTW), and after their arrival it was just a non-stop parade of who's who in Tinsel Town coming to meet the new flavor of the month...Those damn bug-eyed Olson Twins were on-hand and Sandra Bullock kept trying to get them to eat something...Tom Hanks showed up after the Grammys and made a beeline for Stillman telling him that he wanted him to audition for a supporting role in his next film ... When David Spade and Rob Schneider wormed their way in, an already toasted Dunaway cried out, "Oh look everyone, the C-Lister's have arrived! Come to check coats, have you boys?" Meanwhile, Stillman was playing the role of humble super-star to the nth degree. Remaining pleasant and understated, he received Hollywood royalty like a pro, and I was damn proud of the kid!

When my attorney, Saul Rabinowitz and his date, Courtney Love sauntered in, I knew it was time to double check the guest list ... I did not have much time to do this when Hank yanked me into the foyer to tell me that Liza Minnelli was on her way ... we put our heads together and worked out a plan; Hank would keep an eye on the door and ring my cell phone when Liza with a Z showed, that would be my cue to somehow separate Scarlett from Eric to, hopefully, avoid any fireworks ...what the fuck, it was a plan.

Dashing back into the living room, I nearly tripped over Doris Roberts who was passed out in front of the fireplace. Gingerly stepping over her, I milled amongst the guests and pressed the flesh and air-kissed those who needed to be air kissed and just barely avoided the drunken gropings of Keira Knightley,(she's been begging me to do some work on her new script for weeks now) smiling politely and laughing it off, another grope came from Colin Firth, who was sucking down the Guinness Stout like it was going to be outlawed, "Blimey, mate," he slurred while he tried to grab my crotch, "Who do you have to shag to get some food around here..." I pointed him in the direction of the dining room where Wolfgang was setting up the buffet and wished him well ... I then passed Spade and Schneider who were taking the guests coats into the den... then I came face to face with Carrie Fisher(thank god), and she took my hand and pulled me aside and said, "Dex, this Stillman kid is a god-send! My god, he's so cute in a dewy-eyed kind of way...say is it true that all of girlfriends turn gay? Poor Scarlett," she laughed, we both laughed and flopped on to the sofa and lit a couple of cigarettes and dished the rest of the guests...just as we were watching Sandra Bullock trying to force a canape into one of the Olson Twin's pouty mouth's my cell rang once...it was zero hour!

I gave Carrie a quick peck on the cheek and dashed over to the bar where Eric and Scarlett where going for refills... I tapped the man of the hour on the shoulder and said, "Mind if I borrow your date?" Stillman smiled and said, "Be careful with her, old man, she's one in a million!" I grinned and then got in close and whispered into his ear, "Watch your back, son, Liza is here", and with that I whisked his lovely little ingenue on to the dance floor where we tripped the light fantastic...several of the guests commented on her dress and wanted to know who her designer was...so far so good, Scarlett is a delight and she kept thanking me for introducing her to Eric, I told her it was my pleasure...

And then I heard the gun-shots.

Screams rang through the house and in unison, everyone turned to the center of the room where we saw my housekeeper, Guadalupe and Xavier Gomez where facing another man who had a gun trained on the both of them; "¡Bastardo, usted no merece el amor de esta mujer hermosa! " It was Juan Covier, another one of the co-stars of "El Grande..." It seems that Covier had also been trying to woo my housekeeper, and now that he'd lost his heart, he was going to kill the man who'd woo'd and won Guadalupe...another shot rang out as Covier yelled out, "¡Usted debe morir!", he'd fired his gun into the air...just then I caught site of Stillman running over to the threesome and I figured I'd better get over there quick and help. Stillman leapt through the air and just like his name-sake super hero, he did a high kick, succsefully knocking the gun out of Covier's hand... the .45 soared up into the air and I managed to catch it but not before it went off again causing the guests to disperse in panic...

Once more, I found myself in the middle of a mob scene as people ran for the exits...I looked for Hank, and saw him by the patio door trying to manage the crowd ... I ran over to him and we dashed into the yard... while inside our house, bedlam ruled...

An hour later, after the police left and took Covier with them, Hank and I sat in the living room, surveying the damage...the only guest who remained was Faye Dunaway, she was sipping her umpteenth martini and proclaimed, "Darling boys, tonight is what I call a party! Trust me, no one is going to forget this evening! And that Trillman fellow is going to be bigger than Warren Beatty", and with that she fell flat on her face next to Doris Roberts...

"Oh man, Dex, wait until the National Enquirer gets a hold of this story", Hank said laughing..."Come on, let's soak in the hot tub"...and as we made our way on to the patio we both heard something, a kind of squealing coming from the pool house. I shrugged my shoulders and walked on over to the cabana, Hank following, and opened the door and flicked on the light...

Somethings, no one is meant to see; but we saw it nonetheless. There was Stillman and Liza caught in flagrante delicto... Stillman reached for a blanket and covered up Minnelli and himself and said, "Oh, hi guys ... uh, what can I say? I think this is the real thing! Dex could you break the news to Scarlett? Thanks, you're aces, old man".

I closed the door and Hank helped me to the chaise lounge where I collapsed in a heap and then we both laughed our asses off...

Only in Hollywood, Kids!