Seasons Greetings From Sunny Hollywood!
Been so busy this past week, and we've been hosting a few house guests so things have been hectic to say the least...where to begin?
Faye Dunaway's Christmas Eve party.
Like always Faye outdid herself with this bash,
Hank and I arrived around eight and had to park our car three blocks away and walk to Casa Dunaway. Upon arriving at her house, the artificial snow machines were going full blast turning her lawn and garden into a virtual winter wonderland; automated wooden soldiers marched back and forth across the promenade which was decorated with imported Vermont holly and evergreens, and a choir of fifty singers dressed in Dickensian garb stood by the front door greeting each guest with Christmas carols.
Inside, the hostess, dressed in a red velvet Channel original with a plunging neck line swept over to us and gave us both air kisses and proclaimed, "Darling boys, please into the ball-room with you both! EVERYONE is here and it's complete holiday madness!"
To say that this party was overwhelming was an understatement;
Brian Setzer and his big-band and orchestra provided music on a make shift stage; scantily clad Santa's, borrowed from the
Beverly Center, served food and drink and catering was supplied by
Wolfgang Puck ...like usual, Faye plays it low key when entertaining, "Tax write-off, darlings!" she claims.
While at the bar getting a diet Coke, I bumped into
Jason Bateman who was as sauced as a Christmas goose, he put his arms around me and slurred, "Dex Fucking Baxter! How the fuck are you, man?" I told him I was fine and asked how the wife and kids were doing to which he replied, "Sent them out of town, are you going to the Sheldrake Room later for the Xmas party?" I nodded in the affirmative while he sucked down another spiked egg nog, "Alrighty then, so I will see you there then. Now I have to go find those assholes from FOX and see what I can do about saving my
critically acclaimed but hardly watched sitcom..." I pointed him in the direction of a couple of suits and wished him well ... sipping on my diet Coke, Hank came over with
Matthew Perry, who apparently was also into the egg nog, "Look who I found at the bar by the pool!" he said.
"Matt, did you fall off the wagon again?" I asked. He just looked at me with those puppy dog eyes of his and said, "Sorry,
Anderson Cooper won't return my calls..." While he blathered I called
Ramon on the cell and asked him to come and collect Perry and to keep him away from the liquor cabinet... that squared away, I took Hank's arm and we mingled...
...On the patio, a huge
Bill O'Reily pinata hung and I watched as a blindfolded
George Clooney beat at that thing until it burst spilling out loofah sponges...
Portia de Rossi was dancing with
Ellen Degeneres in the ball room ...
Jenifer Anniston and
Vince Vaughn were roaring drunk on a sofa as they discussed china patterns -
good luck, kids ...
Doris Roberts, true to form, was passed out at the doorway of the downstairs powder room, Hank and I tried to move her, but she had a death grip on a bottle of Muscatel and the other hand held on to the door jam for dear life...
When Hank and I went out to the veranda to get some air we noticed some guy dressed in a poncho and sombrero lurking near the barbecue pit. Hank was about to call 911 as well as the Border Patrol when I stopped him, "Wait a second, I'd know that gait anywhere!", and with that the poncho wearing guest came from the shadows and said, "Baxter, old fellow! Man, I am in way over my head..." It was
Eric Stillman.
We hustled him into the pool house to keep anyone else from seeing him. Word is all over tinsel town about Stillman running afoul of the mob, and then getting in deep with some Colombian drug cartel while in Mexico while shooting
El Grande Supra!Hank found a Santa Claus suit and tossed it to him, "Put this on, and try to be as unobtrusive as you can, OK? We'll hide you out at our place."
Before the three of us went back into the party, Stillman produced the fattest joint I've seen since I was at one of
Dennis Hopper's beach parties back in the late 70's. "This maryjane is primo, guys! Mexican! It'll make you see god!", he said firing up the joint - we smoked it and
boy howdy, we had to support each other like a trio of drunken sailors back into the party.
After this everything becomes something of a blur. I tend to recall being pulled under the mistletoe by either
Madonna or
Gwen Stefani, and later on seeing Hank doing the limbo with
Robert DeNiro; and then what to my blood-shot eyes should appear? Stillman Claus sitting on a chair on the stage of the ballroom with a heavily inebriated Dunaway perched in his lap. I could hear Dunaway braying, "Now Santa, darling, can I see what you have in your pants? I've been a very good girl this year!"
Stillman, the ham-bone, was eating this up. He had a spray of mistletoe in his left hand raised up over Faye's head, and just as she was about to tear the beard from his face, revealing his true identity to all at the party, a voice boomed out from across the room
;"¿Dónde la cogida es Eric Stillman? ¡Vamos a matarle!" (which loosely translated means,
Where the fuck is Eric Stillman we are here to kill him).
I turned and saw a group of Colombian men, all the size of small gorillas, and just as one of them reached into his jacket for a gun, Dunaway rose from Santa's lap and howled, "
Raoul, Is that you, ya' lousy wetback! You screwed my beautiful lawn up with your two-bit gardening service! I called the I.N.S.!!! Don't fuck with me, Compañeros!!!"
The Columbians high-tailed for the door, but so did the guests, in fact it soon became total bedlam. I was looking around trying to find Hank and Eric when I saw the LAPD come storming in through the patio doors. I felt a hand reach out and yank me; It was Hank and he said, "Come on Dex, let's get out of here!"
We dashed through a doorway and found our way into the garage and there was Stillman, still in his Santa drag making out with
Liza Minnelli. "Say fellows", he said wiping Liza's ruby red lipstick from his face, "She's had several gay husbands, I've had several lesbian girlfriends, we are soul-mates!" We did not wait around and hustled him out of the garage as Liza cried out, "Santa don't leave, I know a great lawyer!!!"
The three of us charged down Mulholland Drive to the car whooping and yelping like madcap college kids after a panty raid.
Back home, I set up Stillman in the attic and told him to lay low until I can figure this all out, and whatever he did, not to call Liza!
Later on having Eric stashed away safely and checking in on Matt Perry who was sawing wood in the guest house, we changed and then went to The Sheldrake Room for the annual Xmas Eve party.
Anthony Kiedis was riding his skate board on the bar when we got there and Jason Bateman was playing "strip"gin with
Taye Diggs ... a feast was set up next to the bar, and, still feeling the effects of that weed from earlier, I must have ate a pound of the plum pudding...Clooney and
Mark Wahlberg were bobbing for apples with
Colin Farell (fresh out of Betty Ford), just then I was overcome by the smell of Aqua Velva aftershave and a rather beefy hand landed on my shoulder, I turned to discover
James Gandolfini standing behind me, "Baxter, how you doin' ya' sonofabitch? Merry Christmas" and I was treated to a Tony Soprano-style bear hug (James and I go way back)...a few moments later I saw HBO's mob boss and Kiedis disappear into the back room. I was about to go to the bar to get a diet Coke when Hank grabbed me around the waist whispered into my ear that he was beat and maybe we should call it a night. I nodded my head and asked him to go get the car, I'd be there in a second.
Just before I left, I peeked into the back room and caught
Ray Romano and
Zach Braff enjoying themselves (it was only a matter of time, I figured), and I took a picture of them with my cell phone camera.
Ah Hollywood, the real city of Brotherly Love!
++++++
Christmas Morning.
I woke to the sound of screams coming from the kitchen. I jumped up from bed and dashed down to find
Guadalupe in a tizzy standing in front of the refrigerator holding the holiday ham in her hands and saying, "Mister Dexter, Look, something ate this, tore this meat like the demon! I think the
Chupacabra has found us, Madre Mia..." When she finally calmed down I told her that we had a few guests staying and that it was obvious that Mr. Stillman must have had a midnight snack.
"El Grande Supra is here?" she said suddenly going from hysterical to coquettish, "He is so handsome, Mister Dexter".
"Guadalupe, are you blushing?" I asked laughing. And handed over a check with a hefty holiday bonus to my sterling house keeper, "Here, Merry Christmas, take the rest of the day off".
Later that morning Hank and I exchanged gifts. I handed him the keys to his Benz which was parked in the driveway covered in a huge red bow, and Mr. Man told me to close my eyes as he led me to the garage and showed me what he'd bought me;
a refurbished, 57 Bel Air. I can't wait to open that baby up on the PCH!
We took coffee in the den and were joined by Stillman who gave us both a couple of boxes of Cuban cigars and a couple of pounds of that pot we'd enjoyed last night. Then Matt stumbled in and shocked us all by bestowing a complete line of Haines t-shirts and underwear for the three of us...
Yes, it was a memory filled couple of days, but it was nice to relax with friends and loved ones and enjoy a stress free Christmas...now it's about two AM the day after Xmas and I am reading this fascinating script idea that Stillman handed over; all about this c-list actor and his misadventures with lesbians and drug cartels - it sucks! And it's going to make millions; Liza Minnelli has promised to put up the money for production costs...
...
god bless us everyone.
