Chamomile Tea

When Hank called me this morning to tell me that he was in Palm Springs with Matthew Perry, well frankly, I was shocked. I asked him why he wasn't in Canada and he told me that two new scenes for the film had to be shot on location in the desert; "So how the fuck did Perry end up with you?" I asked.

"I don't know Dex, he just showed up is all ... look, you are going to have to send someone for him, Christ he was all over me like a cheap suit; my press agent had to plant a fake item in The New York Post this morning about it... said that we were with a bevy of girls in a limo staying at Gene Autry's fucking ranch!"

"As if!" I snorted.

"And I think he's been drinking again...come on, babe, I need for you to get him off of this set, PLEASE!"

I hung up and gave Ramon the keys to the car and sent him out to the location Hank told me they were with strict instructions to get Matt out of there and bring him back home ... I gave him my stun gun and enough percocet to lay an elephant low ... then I went on line and read this on the New York Post's web site:

November 9, 2005 -- ENDING up in Palm Springs on an impromptu road trip isn't a bad thing when you're Matthew Perry and Hank Azaria. The duo, traveling in a limo packed with women, arrived in the desert resort town looking for a place to stay. They ended up at the Parker Palm Springs in the two-bedroom Gene Autry house. The party posse re-emerged the next morning for breakfast at Norma's diner, where Kirsty Hume and Donovan Leitch and Bill Maher were at separate tables.

After this morning's drama, I needed to relax so I took some Valium and asked Guadalupe to make me some chamomile tea ... went into my office and faxed the DePalma script to Tom Hanks (which I'd worked on all day Tuesday), and then spent some time with the other script, the musical based on "Deep Throat" called, "Open Wide"; re-worked two musical numbers and wrote in a dream sequence that included as much gratuitous nudity as I could come up with ... took a call from Eric Stillman who was going bonkers when he told me that Aaron Spelling made a deal with him about the National Enquirer story about Tori that he was going to sell; Papa Spelling sent him the contract with Lifetime Television Network provided he killed the Enquirer story - it was a done deal and next week, Stillman starts shooting, "Troubled Waters, The Scott Peterson Story". His co-star will be Ashley Olson ... I congratulated him and then sent a case of Dom Perignon to his place.

An hour and a half later, Ramon called to say that he had Perry... had to tie him up and throw him in the trunk ... I told to make sure that his hands were free and to leave him a bottle of water and a Powerbar just to be safe ... a few minutes later Hank called on my cell to say thanks and he sent me this photo of him and Perry shooting dice with a couple of the stunt men on the set... said that the only way he could keep Perry calm was to play dice with him ... Hank said he'd be in Palm Springs for at least two days, asked me to come down tonight, told him that I would be there...

Went upstairs and packed an overnight bag ... finished that up and told Guadalupe that Matt would be staying at the house for a few days and that she would have to keep an eye on him... paid her triple time for this and promised that she'd have Cinco de Mayo off this year, that seemed to do the trick...

Since Ramon had my car, I took Hank's BMW Z 4 Roadster and headed out to Palm Springs. Stopped at Doc Johnson's in North Hollywood for some Astroglide and saw Ashton Kutcher and a some friends frolicking in one of the movie stalls, called Demi Moore's agent and left an anonymous message ... got back in the car and continued on to Palm Springs...