Minute Danish Open Sandwiches

Hank and I just got back from Faye Dunaway's annual Halloween ball ... what a night! First off, Mr. Man, ever the playful devil, told me he was going as Claude from Along Came Polly; he nearly gave Guadalupe a stroke when he came down into the living room in a wig and Speedos ... though I confess I loved the ensemble, saner voices prevailed and soon he was encased in his Spamalot drag, we both were, and we made our way to Casa Dunaway for the night's festivities.

Faye looked incredible in her Joan Crawford/Mommie Dearest drag; "Dex! Hank!" she said nursing a gin ricky as she greeted us in the front hall of her mansion, "Into the ballroom, boys, everyone is here!"... she was right, it was somewhat overwhelming the amount of guests at the party... bumped in to Carrie Fisher who was dressed up as the Unsinkable Molly Brown, she kept singing, "You Can't Get A Man with A Gun"... even more delightful was Carrie's mom, Debbie Reynolds who was done up as Princess Laya from Star Wars ... Deb, ever the bigger than life star, kept belting out show tunes in between belts of martinis ... found myself chatting up Salma Hayek who looked hotter than six miles of road in Death Valley as a nun in short-shorts and come-fuck-me-pumps, my god but that girl had every straight man and lesbian at the soiree panting like wolves in heat ... caught site of George Clooney and Mark Wahlberg coming out of the bathroom together, (Clooney was dressed as Cary Grant and Wahlberg was Dirk Diggler) both checking their zippers and adjusting their shirts ... I'm just saying is all ... Hank and I took turns dancing with Catherine Zeta Jones (resplendent in Laura Bush drag) and then made our way to the bar where I had a ginger ale and Mr. Man indulged in a zombie ... caught site of Tori Spelling dressed up as Little Bo Peep, she was obviously very drunk and was chain smoking, what a pity ... Matt Damon (as one of the flying monkeys from The Wizard of Oz) bummed a cigarette from me ... saw Doris Roberts (as Doris Roberts) passed out behind the bar ... danced the Monster Mash with Matthew Perry who was done up like a hockey player; had to keep taking drinks that were being passed to him by Penelope Cruz who was dressed up as Katie Holmes...

Decided to catch my breath on the patio and felt a hand slap me on the back and heard the familiar voice of Eric Stillman who cried out, "Baxter, you old so and so!" Turned to greet my old pal did a double take as he was done up as Jason Voorhees complete with a machete. "Stillman, you card!" I said shaking his hand, "Is this a swell party or what?" Stillman nodded and offered me a bottle of bubbly ... had to remind him that I was on the wagon, so he pulled a joint from his pocket and we ambled over to the bushes and indulged the weed knowing full well if Dunaway caught us, she'd go ballistic...

...as if on cue, we heard Faye's voice booming through the night, "Who invited this tramp to my hooommeeeee!!!!"

"Guess she found out that Paris Hilton was here, " Stillman said inhaling and handing me the jay; I suggested that he keep his mask down and his face covered for the rest of the night. He gave me a puzzled look and so I said, "Spelling's here, fellow!"

"Damn the luck!" he proclaimed readjusting the rotted hockey mask into place, "Cover me Dex, I'm going back in!"

Seeing that the coast was clear we made our way back to the ballroom and Stillman found his way over to three guys dressed as Bluebeard (OJ Simpson, Phil Spector and Robert Blake) ... Dunaway came up behind me and put her hand on my shoulder and said, "Darling, you look so cute in your medieval garb. Are these the actual Broadway outfits?" Before I could answer her she sucked down her Harvey Walbanger and put her cigarette out on a fairy princess's crown (turns out it was little Dakota Fanning)... the moppet screamed and Dunaway pushed her aside and sauntered back in to the ocean of revelers ... found Hank hanging with Clooney, Perrry and Wahlberg discussing the private party Monday night that was going to be held at The Sheldrake Room ... a major buzz through out the room when Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie showed up as Groucho Marx and Margret Dumont word was they could only stay for a few minutes as they were due at Elton John's party in Malibu ... Topher Grace was really into character when he came dressed as Iggy Pop, even going so far as to smear peanut butter all over his chest and lip sync, "Lust for Life", Clooney leaned over and whispered to me, "Got any jelly, I'd like to make a sandwich" ... Just then a very inebriated Tori Spelling came my way and said, "Where the fuck is Stillman? I am going to kill him when I find him!" I told her that he was one of the three Bluebeard guys, a few minutes later she was removed from the party by security guards for smashing Robert Blake over the head with her Bo Peep staff ... Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson (they both look great BTW) were dressed as George and Martha Washington, Hanks and I knew each other years ago when I did some extra work on his old sit-com, Bosom Buddies, he's a great guy, and when he pulled me aside he asked if I'd take a look at the new script that Brian De Palma gave him, told him it was as good as done ... Angela Basset who came as Diana Ross asked for a dance, and we boogied to Joy Division's "Love will Tear Us Apart"...

Exhausted I crashed on the sofa next to Zach Braff who was dressed as Ray Romano (or maybe it was it was Romano dressed as Braff, who can tell the difference) ... watched as Dunaway cursed out one of the caterers and put a cigarette out on his head ... tried some awesome Minute Danish Open Sandwiches; to die for!

Found Stillman with Joan Cusack (who looked fab as Harriet Miers) and he excused himself for a second and pulled me aside and said, "You are aces, old man! Thanks for taking care of that problem for me."

"Anytime", I said as Hank pulled me towards the front door to say our good nights...

...as we were leaving, Debbie Reynolds was on top of the baby grand piano in the hallway singing "I'm Still Here" ... said our goodbyes to Dunaway, who was now so drunk she thought we were studio executives so she promised us both blow jobs if we OK'd her new sit-com...

...outside we made our way to the car and I caught site of one of the Olsen Twins, dressed up as Lindsay Lohan, throwing up into a potted palm...