Thriving in the Desert

So guess who has been named Death Valley Hostess of the Month?

None other than our own Guadalupe!

Here's a photo of my former housekeeper, and now, hostess and head chef of the Motel Desert Lodge, as featured in last weeks, "Death Valley Times". Way to go, 'Lupe!

I've been very busy lately. Eric Stillman and his wife have been staying with us for the past few weeks while he is filming his latest opus, "Dust Rats" in Barstow. Luckily he has had weekends off and has assisted me in refurbishing the motel's pool area.

We worked our asses off and now the pool and spa are worthy of guests!

And a big thank you to Mrs. Stillman who aside from her fabulous gardening tips, and taking care of the iguanas in the petting zoo; has also been tutoring Guadalupe for her citizenship test.

Anyway, here is a shot of the pool area after Stillman and I finished it off last week. Man, we worked our tails off shaping it up, but it looks great, if I say so myself!

Stillman thinks that I should call the old crowd from Hollywood to christen the place after all of the renovations are done, but I don't know if I'm ready to see that crew again.

Hank has sent me several telegrams (since cell phone service is a bit hit or miss out here) begging me to come home. I just wired him and told him that if he really misses me, he can come out here ... I sent him a map.

Well, that's all for now. We have a bar-mitzvah to host tonight, and before that I have to run one of the iguanas over to the vet in Devil's Hole because it has some kind of scale infection.

Well gang, that's all for now!

Alive and Well in Death Valley

What? Did you guys think I was dead or something?

Gang, if Dex Baxter is anything, its a survivor!

And I am doing more than surviving, I am flourishing as the proprietor and owner of the Desert Lodge Motel and Cafe in Death Valley California.

OK, alright, I guess I am getting ahead of myself a bit as I am sure you are curious as to how I ended up here ... fine, pull up a chair, smoke 'em if you got 'em, and let Uncle Dex tell you a story.

_____

Once upon a time there was a very successful script doctor named Dex Baxter, who lived on a hill just off of Mulholland drive in a magic kingdom known as Hollywood. The man shared his beautiful home with a semi-famous actor named Hank Azaria, and for the most part, they were very happy.

Dex and Hank were lucky men. They both did what they loved for a living, had a group of rich and famous friends, got invited to the best parties in town and generally lived life in the fast lane.

Unfortunately for Dex, he had his demons, and they followed him constantly.

As a young man, Dex fought valiantly against his personal monsters, and usually he came out on top (with the occasional tumble in the dirt). But thanks to the support of friends, he was able to stay on the straight and narrow.

But one day, it all just became too much for our hero and he stared the demon down, and this time the demon won and sent Dex on a downward spiral that sent him to the Kingdom of Rehab.

It was while he was at this Kingdom that Dex realized that the only way he'd ever forever defeat his addictions was to leave them behind ... and so, on the night before he was supposed to leave the Kingdom of Rehab, he jumped a Greyhound Bus with five hundred thousand in cash in his pocket and got off at a dusty old motel in the middle of the desert, and there, he found peace, contentment and a sense of belonging.

How's that for a start?

It's all true!

On November 19th, at four in the afternoon, I walked into the Desert Lodge Motel and Cafe' and with one look, I knew that this was the place for me. With its ten motel rooms, swimming pool, iguana petting zoo, clapboard and stucco bar and grille ... what can I say, this dusty and weather beaten establishment seemed to be calling to me. So, I made an offer to the owner, a crusty old character by the name of Gordy, and twenty thousand bucks later, I held the deed, liquor license and keys to the establishment in my hot little hands.

I have not left everything behind, no, I still have some contacts from the old days. Eric Stillman has been a big help (who do you think took the Warhol portrait from Paramount and then sold it to a collector in Van Nuys for a cool million? That money is now invested in a Swiss Bank account ... some money for a rainy day).

Guadalupe has also joined me in this venture ... actually she stopped into the cafe one night while running immigrants across the desert in her modified camper van (she rakes in a pretty penny for this -- no judgments on my part), needless to say we were both shocked to see each other. I remember her saying to me, "Oh Mr. Dex, we were all so worried for you, Mr. Hank is so upset, you must call him! Oh Madre Mia!" When she finally calmed, I talked her into staying on here in Death Valley with me ... we now serve the best quesadillas east of Mexico City here at the Desert Lodge Motel Cafe.

But I got to tell you, I love this life. No more hustling for the studios, or boring parties, or tripping over Doris Roberts in my driveway ... no sir, now you can find me behind the bar here, serving up beers to cowboys and mixed drinks to lost tourists; or making sure that the rooms are clean and ready for guests ... this is as close as I've ever come to a vision quest.

I have a lot more to say, but wireless computer connections are a bit haphazard here in Death Valley, so I have to sign off, feed the iguanas and then get ready for the dinner crowd tonight.

Reward Doubled For Any Information Leading To Finding Dex Baxter

Press Release: From the Office of Saul Rabinowitz:

With the LAPD reporting no leads in the disappearance of Hollywood Insider, Dex Baxter. My office has been authorized by Mr. Baxter's partner, Hank Azaria as well as Matthew Perry and Eric Stillman to double all financial rewards that were being offered previously.

To add to the mystery surrounding Dex's disappearance, it was recently reported that the Warhol lithograph of Mr. Baxter, which had been on loan to Paramount Studios, has apparently been stolen.

Dex's housekeeper, Guadalupe Lopez, has graciously offered to field all emails and phone calls concerning Mr. Baxter's disappearance. You can contact her with any information at 1.800.555.0121 or via email at quadalupe@crenshaw.net .

From Today's Editon of the Los Angeles Times

Hollywood Insider Missing, Foul Play is Feared:
11.25.06


Dex Baxter the one time actor and later (mostly uncredited) "script doctor" for hundreds of films, was reported missing last week by his Attorney, Saul Rabinowitz.

Baxter was due to be discharged from Promises Rehabilitation center on November 18th, and according to the staff of the center, was in very good spirits when he was last seen on the night of the 17th in the facility's coffee bar.

Arriving on the scene from seemingly nowhere, Baxter made his mark in such films as 1978's "Memory, Sweet Memory" and the celebrated "The Night the Lights went down on Broadway" where he played Janet Leigh's much younger love interest.

A string of other films followed until the romantic comedy, "Blame It On Buenos Aires" when Baxter checked into rehab for the first time after the completion of that project.

Out of rehab, several months later, Baxter found himself appearing in the musical, "Disco Nation", a film so despised and ridiculed it effectively killed his acting career.

Several years later, Baxter reinvented himself as a talent scout and was credited as the man who discovered Brad Pitt, George Clooney and others. It was also during this time that Baxter's friend, Carrie Fisher contacted him to help her fine tune a script she was working on. To this day, the word in Hollywood is that Baxter was the one who created the infamous deli-orgasm scene in "When Harry Met Sally".

From this point, Baxter became the go-to-guy when scripts needed repair. While he may have not received any credit for the films he worked on, Baxter was reportedly paid very handsomely for his work.

Recently, it is reported that Baxter shares a spacious Tudor style home just off of Mulholland drive with actor, Hank Azaria.

Besides Azaria, Baxter counts other Hollywood stars as close friends including, Matthew Perry (whose character on NBC's "Studio 60" is said to be based on) and up and coming action star, Eric Stillman.

Azaria, Perry and Stillman have all offered cash rewards to anyone that might know of Baxter's whereabouts.

Police have not ruled out foul play in this dissaparence and have questioned actress, Doris Roberts, though Detective Walter Neff of the LAPD said that, "Ms. Roberts is not a suspect at this time, we merely wanted to question her."

A Desperate Plea to the Fans of Dex Baxter

My name is Saul Rabinowitz. I am Dex Baxter's personal attorney, and it is with a heavy heart that I write the following:


On or about November 18th, 2006, the staff at Promises Residential Treatment center located in Malibu California, reported that Mr. Baxter vanished from the facility. Surprisingly, Mr. Baxter was due to be discharged on Sunday (November 19th).


According to Mr. Baxter's personal counselor, Dex had successfully finished his treatment and was once again ready to re-enter society.


Mr. Baxter was due at MGM Studios on Monday to lay down a commentary track for the DVD release of his classic film, Disco Nation.


On the left you will see the most recent picture of Dex taken at the Encino 7-11 the night before Mr. Baxter was admitted to Promises. The picture was taken with the store's security camera.


Dex's Business and Life Partner, Hank Azaria is offering a reward of one million dollars to the person or person's with any information leading to the finding and safe return of Mr. Baxter. Additionally, Dex's friends, Matthew Perry and Eric Stillman have pledged an additional five hundred thousand dollars towards this end.


If you have any information concerning Mr. Baxter's whereabouts, please contact me at 1.800.555.0121 or email us at quadalupe@crenshaw.net.


All responses will be kept in the strictest of confidence.


Thank you,
Saul Rabinowitz, Esq.

Dex Interrupted

My name is Dex Baxter, and I'm an alcoholic.


Yes, it's true, you probably read about it in Entertainment Weekly or The National Enquirer, but yours truly is currently "resting" at Promises Rehabilitation Center.

I really thought I had this thing beat, but the demon can rise up and bite you in the ass at any time, and now I have am convalescing at the very spot that Ben Affleck, Diana Ross and Robert Downey Jr. dried out. Actually as rehab centers go, this place is pretty chic. It wouldn't be half bad if they could just put Doris Roberts into a sound proof room, that crazy bitch is always screaming at the top of her lungs...sometimes I wish someone would just slip her a vodka and tonic with a couple of Seconals so she'd pass out...

So your probably asking yourself, "Dex, wha' happened, man?"

Well it went like this...

My last day of sobriety occurred on Sunday July 30th when Hank and I drove on down to the Malibu home of my good pal, Eric Stillman, and his lovely wife, Erica. The Stillman's are new Hollywood royalty. Eric's got about ten different film offers, an Oscar, an action figure ("El Grande Supra Supreme!" - marketed by Mattel), and a line of men's wear that is due to hit Macy's any day now! Meanwhile, the little woman, is now the most sort after elocutionist in town! They are literally beating a pathway to the door of Erica to learn how to properly roll their R's and pronounce words like,"disestablishmentarianism".

We got to the party early and The S-Man was in rare form, handing out cigars to Hank and me and showing off his new bride as well as giving us a tour of his new digs...I was so happy for him. He deserves his success. I managed to spend some time with Erica and she was so sweet, she told me that when she was a kid, her favorite film was, "Disco Nation". She even sang me one of the songs from the soundtrack! I immediately knew what Eric saw in the saucy gal from New Jersey.

Then the other guests began arriving and the party kicked into high gear. Brad and Angie showed up with Maddox and Shiloh (such cute kids ) Beyonce and Jay Z, Tom and Rita...it was a regular who's who of the rich and vapid! Sometime around five or so, Faye Dunaway popped in and when she saw me she cried out, " Dex darling, point me in the direction of the bar, I've had a dreadful day!" So I escorted Dunaway to the well stocked bar while she prattled on about her problems...eventually I was able to shake her and go and say high to Matt and Lance (Hollywood's other hot couple of the moment)...those crazy guys jogged all the way over from Burbank! When Dunaway spied them she cried out, "Get a room, boys! One with a working shower!!!!!" A roar of laughter swept through the crowd and someone cried out (I think it was Quentin Tarantino), "Look out, Faye's getting lit!"

Everyone was having a grand time, and when Stillman managed to break away from the crowd, he made his way over and put his arm around my shoulder, and said, "Old man, I owe you big time! None of this could have happened with out your support!" I raised my glass of ginger ale and toasted him and said, "Nonsense, you did this the old fashioned way; you slept your way to the top!" We both roared with laughter and then Stillman produced a joint and we indulged in some wacky spliff and were having a great old time until...

...we heard someone shouting from the road in front of Stillman's home, it sounded like a crazed man...it turned out to be Mel Gibson (one in the same), he was yelling, "I AM THE KING OF MALIBU!!!!" Faster than you could have said, "Braveheart", it was sheer bedlam! Party guests were running to the front yard of Cassa Stillman where they saw Mel in his underwear, brandishing a bottle of Dark Eyes Vodka like a club, twirling it around his head, foam coming from his mouth, his eyes wild like a sow in heat...and then he caught a glimpse of the crowd gathering and cried out, "THE JEW'S RUN HOLLYWOOD!!!" With that he gulped the rest of the contents of the bottle and threw it in a trajectory that came close to smashing our host square in the noggin. Stillman ducked and said, "Nobody ruins a party in this town, except me!!" and just as he was about to charge the madman, Dunaway grabbed his arm and said, "Allow me to deal with this, darling. I've had experience with the mentally deranged".

Tossing her martini aside to the lawn, Faye glided over to Gibson and gently said, "Mel, darling, everyone knows that the Scientologists run this town now, the Jews haven't held sway since Mr. Mayer died".

Gibson looked at her for a second, seemingly trying to comprehend what she was saying, and in the blink of an eye, Faye brought her knee up and gave him a kick in the balls that sent him falling to the ground like a sack of potatoes.

"Fuck off, darling", she said gently turning, lightning a cigarette, and making her way back to the crowd where a spontaneous round of applause rang out.

Stillman and his bride stood mouth's agape and turned to me and Hank, who smiled and said in a nonchalant manner, "Don't fuck with Faye."

After the police came and took Mel away, the party went into overdrive and I soon found myself getting caught up in the reverie.

Now here's where things start to get blurry.

Someone handed me a drink, I think it might have been Shilo or maybe one of the Olsen Twins, anyway, assuming it was a soft drink I gulped it down and quicker than you could say "Postcards From the Edge", I found myself snarfing down the Cutty Sark and several beers...oh man it felt great, like coming home!

At some point in the evening I found myself dancing with Jamie Lee Curtis and she kept saying, "Dex, I never knew you were so light on your feet!" Was I ever!

Later on I was in the bathroom with Keanu Reeves doing a couple of lines of blow...AWESOME!

Eventually I found myself on the beach walking alone, my mind a whirl of images, my mouth feeling like a place where spiders go to die.

Hank and Stillman found me passed out on a sand dune.

Hello rock bottom.


They checked me in to Promises the next morning.
**********

As rehab centers go, this place ain't too shabby. Mind you I've done Betty Ford and Passages in Malibu; Promises has them all beat hands down.

My private room has been dubbed The Matthew Perry Suite by the staff (Matt stayed in this very room on several occasions). ---ah, an aside, how great is Matt on Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip? Anyone care to guess who is character is based on? Anyone, anyone, Buehler?---

Let me tell you a little about some of the other guests at Hotel California...this morning, Congressman Mark Foley checked in, he keeps asking if there is wireless Internet service here ... Lyndsay Lohan is in the out patient clinic, damn bitch keeps stopping by my room asking if she can bum a smoke ... Robin Williams is next door and he and I have been playing scrabble to while away the afternoons...

Carrie Fisher stops by almost every day, she keeps telling me that if I really want this stay to be successful, I need to write a book about the experience (she ought to know). Hank also comes by every day, and today he brought our housekeeper Guadalupe who, as you may or may not know, just made a ton of cash when she snapped and sold some photos to The Star of Tom Cruise and Ricky Martin wrestling nude at a rest stop off the PCH. I am so proud of her!

Scripts are still pouring in, and I am still working on my own project, so that ought to keep me busy while I am here...what else can I say?

See you all in 28 days!

Taking It To The Mat(t) II

This crazy heatwave in Cali has been causing all kinds of wacky things to happen, Poor Lyndsay Lohan had heatstroke, Mel Gibson got drunk and went on a tirade (showing his true colors, I might add), and Doris Roberts is back in rehab; but the big story, is the love story of the decade that features the triad of Matthew McConaughey, Lance Armstrong, and Jake Gyllenhaal.

Good golly, ya can't go anywhere these days without bumping into these boys, riding their bikes, or shopping for trinkets, or just sunning themselves . Just this morning I caught a glimpse of Matt and Lance jogging down the street ... of course everyone knows that Matt is a switch hitter, but what did Sheryl Crow do to Lance? But, hey, it's all good, welcome to the club Lance!

The smart money out here says it's Matt and Lance all the way, and Jake is just the occasional piece of Swiss cheese in the sandwich... of course, that's all just speculation, love in La La Land blows like the Santa Ana winds ... none the less, when you see this threesome come whizzing by you decked out in form-fitting spandex, give them a thumbs up, because true love is hard to find in Hollywood.

And in related news, Matt and Lance are renting a home just up the road from Hank and I. Jakey filled me in on this piece of news when I bumped into him at the Sheldrake Room the other night. Apparently, the boys like to sun themselves on the home's deck; I've caught my housekeeper, Guadalupe, snapping off pictures of the goings-on at the rented home with a digital camera with a tele-photo lens. She claims that she's just trying out a gift her son gave her, but I am pretty sure she's selling the snaps to the National Enquirer!

Ain't love grand?

So the turkey baster love child of Tom and Katie has yet to be seen in public. Even if Jada Pinkeet Smith and that chick from the sitcom claim to have seen it. Will Guadalupe solve this puzzle? Like I said, she's got her new camera and is putting the glad-rag biz on the back burner for a bit ("I am sick of making dresses for these skinny bitches, they don't have the hips, it's like designing the dress for a 12 year old girl", is how she put it in Women's Wear Daily), and says she is going to camp out in front of Cruise's compound until she snaps a few photos of the once and future king of Scientology!

A belated Happy Birthday to noted He-Man, Action Star, and Sheldrake Room regular, Vin Diesel. Vinnie's birthday was on the 18th of July and Hank and I were invited to a private party that he held at the Las Vegas Hilton...now, I'd love to fill you all in on the details of this soiree, but unfortunately, I had to sign a waiver upon entering the hotel that night so, like they say, What Happens in Vin Vegas, Stays in Vin Vegas... here's a picture of the birthday boy sleeping it off...

Well, I am off to Paramount, where I am dropping off a couple of scripts I've been working on, and then it's off to visit my good pal, Eric Stillman, and his lovely wife, Erica, at their home in Malibu. The happy newlyweds are throwing, what promises to be, the party of the summer! I'll post about this when I get back.

Taking It To The Mat(t)

I was going through some old papers the other night and came across this copy of the Spartacus Guide from back in 1990...well slap me on the butt and call me Joey Tribbiani, look who was gracing the cover of this widely read gay travel guide, none other than a dewy eyed Matt LeBlanc.

Now you all know that Matt is a man's man, as straight as an arrow, and like my good friend, Matthew Perry, one should never assume that he's gay because just because he's posed for the cover of an international gay publication (or because he frequents certain private clubs in downtown L.A.).


There is another Matt in town everyone is talking about; yes, I am speaking of the cuckolded Mr. Kathy Griffin, Matt Moline. According to his soon-to-be-ex-wife, Matt was stealing from her (to the tune of $72,000)...all things considered, I think that's a fair amount to have to deal with Griffin...not to worry, Matt, the Hollywood Bachelor's club is always looking for new members!

Here on the home-front all is going well. The work is pouring in and I am up to my neck in paper doctoring scripts...and of course, I am spending time working on my own screenplay which is keeping me busy; The Sunset Detective Agency is going to be the hottest film of 2007, I've already got my cast, and the neccasary funding. If everything goes as planned, we start shooting in January!





Another zombie sighting in Hollyood (see horroific photo on the left)

Dex Baxter is Alive and Well in Hollywood

Hello everyone! I am so sorry that I have been missing; things have been insane around here...Between Hank's show being canceled, Stillman's wedding, and the film I am working on, I have had no time to do much of anything but work!

Yes, "Huff" is no more. The night we heard, I took Hank to the Sheldrake Room and we bumped in to Matt Perry...how ironic that Perry has a new show coming in the fall and Hank's been dumped...thank god for "The Simpsons"...none the less, Mr. Man is a trooper and he's made some damn good investments so we are just viewing this as a breather in between projects...

Did you hear about Eric Stillman's Malibu Weekend wedding? If you read the National Enquirer, you probably did. Well, there is not much to tell except for the facts; the night before, Stillman and Liza Minnelli had a huge falling out that came to blows, poor Eric had a black eye after Liza slugged him and walked out...HOWEVER, since the wedding was prepaid and the invitations were sent, he ended up marrying his elocution teacher, a gorgeous young lady from New Jersey. Of course, everyone was expecting Minnelli to walk down the aisle, so when the pretty young blond showed up, people were scratching their heads...when guest, Faye Dunaway saw the intended Mrs Stillman, she cried out, "Finally that boy has come to his senses and dropped that drunken has been", and then she pulled a bottle of gin from her purse and took a healthy swig. Anyway, it was a swell affair and the happy couple is honeymooning in Palm Springs, and when they come back to La La, Stillman begins filming the sequel to "El Grande Supra" tentative title, "El Grande Supra II - Ole' El Grande!"

So, besides my script doctoring, I've decided to write an original screenplay and have been auditioning some of Tinsel Town's finest. Last week I hosted a private party that served as an open casting call for some of Hollywood's greatest slabs of beefcake talented actors. Of course the first one to show up was Matthew McConaughey who wasted no time cracking open a bottle of Jose Cuervo and doing cannonballs in the pool...anyway the script is tentatively titled, "Sunset Detective Agency" which is about a private investigation company that is staffed by a bunch of hot hunks brilliant private eyes who take their shirts off as much as possible; yes the story will be secondary to the eye candy...this thing is gonna make so much money.

Jake Gyllenhaal also answered the cattle call but he got to drinking with McConaughey and Hank told me that he saw Jakey crawling through the upstairs hallway... we figured he just needed to sleep it off, but the next thing I knew, Guadalupe came out to the patio and said, "Mr. Dexter, that Brokeback boy is passed out on your bedroom floor! Aye!" I told her to keep an eye on him and just lock him in; I'd deal with him later.

Clooney called, he's got a lot of interest in this project and wanted to audition some of the actors himself...I promised him a chance to do all of the callbacks ... Hugh Jackman surprised me be actually showing up...what a nice guy, but I figured that he had enough irons in the fire. Apparently not, the Aussie X Man said he could not wait to disrobe for me on camera, "Tell you what bloke, in Oz, Disco Nation is a fucking classic! So it would be an honor to work with anyone affilated with that masterpiece!"... oh god help me, he has the part!...later on Jared Leto showed up, Boy Howdy, he's a great swimmer and he nailed the fucking audition...I hired him on the spot and told him, "Kid, I am going to make you a star!"


After the auditions, Hank fired up the barbecue and Ramon manned the bar, and dinner and cocktails were served ... it was a pleasant evening and the food and drink was as sublime as the company ... Later on McConaughey started rolling joints and passing them around and soon the air was thick with the smell of ganja...as the evening wound down, I found Jackman asleep on the sofa in the den and shot this picture of him, and then I went to bed and ended up tripping over Jack Nasty who was still out like a light on my bedroom floor... god , I love Hollywood!

AND BY THE WAY...

You may have seen this photo of the macho, action film star floating around the net...but that does not mean that Vincent is gay, OK, just because he's imitating Marilyn Monroe's classic calender pose, does not make him gay ... he was a mere boy when this photo was taken...and it...well it...

Here's a photo of Vin that hangs at his favorite spot at The Sheldrake Room... see, he's 100 percent straight... really, straight as Tom Cruise...

ETC...

As you all might be aware of, my housekeeper, Guadalupe has a cottage industry going designing glad rags for the gals of tinsel town, and I secured Wilma Stonecutter (my former agent, and Stillman's current agent from William Morris) to represent her. Happily, Guadalupe has kept her day job at casa Baxter/Azaria but she's pretty much commandeered the third floor of the mansion as her sweat shop...we've got more Mexicans coming and going at our place than at the Texas border!

This morning, I took the latest script I was doctoring (a top secret project for Universal about the life of Ann Coulter-- tentativly titled, "One Lucky Bitch!") to my favorite beach spot in Malibu, set up my lounge chair and umbrella and while tapping away on my lap top I heard some people screaming, I looked up to see what the commotion was, and saw these two zombies stumbling about ... turned out it was only Mischa Barton and Nicole Richie...

A Big Bag of M&M's (with nuts)

Dig In:

PECKING ORDER:

Have you all noticed that Hank's pecs are almost as big and perky as Pamela Lee Anderson's? Maybe you've seen one of his shirtless scenes on Huff. Well, I live with the guy, and I've noticed. The other day he bumped into me in the hallway, and his left nipple tore a hole in my shirt ... last night I did push ups and supported myself on his chest; damn they were as firm as concrete ... but I'm not complaining, a hard man is good to find! And to those of you who don't like Mr. Man's chest, too bad. Actually it seems a lot of people have a problem with Hank's rack...bunch of jealous bitches if you ask me.

MISS TOM CRUISE'S PARADE SMACK:

Maybe you read the fluff piece in Sunday's issue of Parade Magazine; a real yawner until you get to this passage:

“Before I left Cruise, he introduced me to Katie Holmes, who is about 5 foot 10 (he’s 5 foot 7) and pretty,” writes Rader. “She wore a large diamond engagement ring. She seemed dazed, passive and vacant. She never stopped smiling. The minute she appeared, Cruise’s now-familiar public mode of behavior returned. He began hooting how beautiful she was, touching and kissing her like a teenage boy on his first backseat date, aware that he was being watched.”

DORIS ROBERTS BACK ON THE SAUCE:

Sadly, she's been arrested four times in the past three months for drunk and disorderly contact.

Just last Saturday, LAPD were called to the Brentwood Home of Ray Romano to remove a prostrate and incoherent Roberts from the well manicured lawn from said estate...but Doris is a great old broad, and Hollywood loves a lush; she'll bounce back!

JACK NASTY:

Jake Gyllenhaal making goo-goo eyes at his friend, Austin Nichols means only four things: NOT GAY, NOT GAY, NOT GAY, NOT GAY ... at least that's what his publicist had to say according to L.A. Defamer -- HERE. I can back this up, just last night at The Sheldrake room, Jake told me that he was not gay and then proceeded to drink shots out of noted He-Man (Vin Diesel)'s navel!

SELF MAID DRESS SUCCSESS:

Look out Dolce & Gabbana, Guadalupe of Crenshaw is the biggest thing in designer duds these days...here's the little lady drumming up business at a private function in Brentwood last month! Surprisingly, she's kept her day job!

LIZA TO BE A MOM?!?! ERIC TO BE A DAD!?!? :

Dear god, I kid you not: Liza Minnelli checked in to Cedars Mt Sinai last week, her beloved beau, Eric Stillman by her side and sources reported that someone heard Mr. Stillman exclaim, "What? She's 60 friggin' years old! How could the rabbit have died?"

Rock-a-bye-baby!

EAT ME!

Fucking Blogger ate my post!!!

Sorry kids, I've been really busy lately and sat down tonight and cooked up a big old gossip-riddled posting and then blogger had a seizure and ka-pow it was all gone!

I am going to try again...I'm still here in Sunny So Cal and all is well.

I'm off to The Sheldrake Room.

Stay Tuned!!

Strawberry Quick and Vanilla Vodka with a splash of Heavy Cream

You may wonder what the biggest thrill of Oscar night 2006 was for the house of Baxter / Azaria ... might it have been the big win of a certain friend? Or possibly the award that went to my good buddy, Mr. Clooney? Mayhaps it was the chance to see former Sheldrake Room regular, Will Smith, speaking in French while on stage...then again...maybe it was...

...the fact that several of Hollywood's hottest babes were outfitted by the most sought after designer of glad-rags in Tinseltown these days; Guadalupe of Crenshaw! Yes it's true! Maybe you saw Charlize Theron sporting that little number that came with it's own shoulder pillow (should the wearer want to nod off during one of the long acceptance speeches), or perhaps you caught Sandra Bullock in that natty little number that was stitched together using some old slip covers (speaking of Ms. B: where the heck is Jesse these days, I'm just asking is all) ... my housekeeper has quite a little cottage industry going for herself, and I am damn proud of her;¡La manera de Ir, Guadalupe!

Of course, by now you have read that Eric Stillman won the award for Best Actor in A Foreign Independent Film. Needless to say it was sheer bedlam in center row five of The Kodak Theatre when his name was called. Stillman, who brought Liza Minnelli along as his date, nearly decapitated Dolly Parton, when he jumped from his seat and hopped over the next few rows to get to the stage...meanwhile, Hank and I were high-fiving everyone while Liza (who had brought along a portable mini-bar) was pouring champagne into small plastic glasses and passing them down the row screaming, "That's my boy, give 'em hell, baby!!!" Oh and how about that acceptance speech? In a rolling, cacophony of sounds and emotions, The S Man thanked everyone from his third grade elocution teacher, his Kabbalah instructor, as well as "All the former straight women I have dated"...needless to say, I wiped a tear from my eye when he thanked yours truly for always "having faith in me, no matter what catastrophe followed in my wake". A thunderous standing ovation followed and yes, a star was born!

Since Hank had to fly back to NYC the next morning to continue Spam A Lot, I dropped him off back at the house so he could get some sleep and then had the limo take me to the Vanity Fair party; Stillman and Minnelli were going to meet me there... the first thing I saw when I got out of the limo was a truly horrifying creature who approached me and said in broken English, "Dahling, Help! I Must Moisturize before I turn to Dust!!!" I threw my bottle of Evian water at the beast and watched as the liquid was absorbed into every available pore of the she-beast!

Dashing past the paparazi I bumped into Jake Gyllenhaal and Peter Sarsgaard, "See you at Clooney's party at The Sheldrake Room tonight?" Cried Mr. Brokeback. "Bring your saddle, cowboy", I shot back and continued on my way through the throng of celebs...I finally caught up with Stillman and Liza with a Z, the happy couple was holding court at a small table surrounded by press. Liza saw me first and yelled out, "Dex, sweetheart, over here!!". When I sat down she tried to shove a daiquiri in my hand so I had to remind her that I was in A.A.; looking quizzical for a second she then smiled and said, "Oh yeah, me too!" and preceded to down the cocktail ... Stillman excused himself from the reporters for a second and turned to me and, flushed with his recent success proclaimed, "Baxter, old man, I feel like the king of the world tonight! My god, you won't believe the offers coming my way ... listen, I have about twenty scripts that were slipped my way stashed in the limo, could you look them over in the next few weeks, I want your honest opinion on them..." I assured my good pal that I would take a gander at what he had and at that same moment, Madonna plopped herself down at our table and gave me a quick peck on the cheek and tried to slip Stillman her digits ... Liza, whose something of a hawk-eye, looked up at Mrs. Richie and said, "Beat it, sister skank, he's all mine!" and with that, The Material Girl slinked off into the night...

Realizing that this was Eric's night, I left him and Liza to the ever increasing bevy of new fans and tried to make my exit, but not before a photographer tried to snap a picture of me and my protege ... goddamn, at least you can see our suits!

yours truly and The S Man

At the sidewalk hailing my car, Matt Dillon dashed over and said, "Yo, Baxter - want to share a ride to The Sheldrake?" I agreed and on the way to downtown, we shared a joint and talked about the night's festivities..."Christ, my one chance at an Oscar and fucking Clooney beats me! Not like it's going to be the only one that bastard gets!" At first I thought he might be smarting but Dillon's a good guy, he was just busting stones and then we lit a couple of cigars and he said, "Oh wait, you still on the wagon? Because now is the time to fall off, have you had a 'Strawberry Quickie'? It's Strawberry Quick and vanilla vodka with a splash of heavy cream; Sandy Bullock had a flask full of it and kept passing it around during the awards ceremony, you've got to try one!" I explained that I was still dry but agreed that it sounded great as the car continued on through the magical Hollywood night...

Guinness Stout

My god kids, there is so much to celebrate these days in Hollywood- Land...first, of course, is the certain crumbling of a certain "relationship" featuring a certain (turkey baster impregnated) young actress to a certain closet case Scientologist; what will he be jumping sofas over next, one wonders...

There is also cause to celebrate as Matt Perry who is hard at work on his new series (just like I reported HERE --scroll down a bit, you'll find it), and Matt is playing a writer (based on whom, I'm not sayin') for a sketch comedy show ...read all about it HERE.

And of course, Eric Stillman's star is heading so high up in the firmament, it may very well eclipse the sun! "King Of Denial" is a go, as well as an animated series based on "El Grande Supra", and last, but certainly not least, Stillman, his film, and the film's director are all nominated for Academy Awards.

Like I reported last time, I managed to get a hold of my old agent, Wilma Stonecutter from The William Morris Agency, to represent The S Man. Wilma grilled me for about an hour over the phone before she agreed to handle Eric; Wilma did not balk over the Mafia run-ins ("Kid stuff", she snorted), or the Colombian drug cartel ("So 1994", she sighed)...then she got personal and asked me about his sex-life. I told her that as far as I knew he was straight and this made her bristle and say, "Oh Christ, he's not a baseball fan is he?" I told her that I was not aware if he was or not, and why would that matter, to which she replied, "Look honey, hetero is OK, but if he's a baseball fan, I've got two words, Kevin Costner...and you know where his career is these days..." With that business out of the way, Stonecutter agreed to taking Stillman on and said she'd have the contracts drawn up and sent out to him in a day. In the mean time, she advised me to keep him away from the press and not let him sign anything until she looks at it. Done and done I promised...

While the rest of the world was sequestered at the Grammy Awards, Hank and I were busy throwing Mister Stillman his official Hollywood 'Coming Out' party; and boy howdy, did we throw him a fucking blast... I made a few calls and had Wolfgang Puck cater the whole affair, thusly giving my housekeeper, Guadalupe the night off. I also told her that I wanted her to come to the party as a guest and she was so thrilled (as I soon discovered that she and one of Stillman's "El Grande Supra" co- stars, Xavier Gomez, have been making goo-goo eyes at each other since the Golden Globe awards)...before the night's events kicked off, Stillman and his lady, Scarlett Johanson (who were staying in our pool house) showed up in the kitchen with a problem; seemed that Eric's tux was here, but that Johanson's evening gown was lost somewhere. Once again, Guadalupe to the rescue as she ripped a set of drapes from the guest room window, pulled out the sewing machine and said, "OK skinny girl with the big senos, come on let's make the magic..." An hour later, Scarlett descended the stair case looking drop-dead movie star gorgeous in a Guadalupe of Crenshaw Original.

One disaster avoided, the guests began arriving ... Faye Dunaway was the first and she plowed into the hall saying, "Dex, thanks for the invite. Point me to the bar and to that DARLING boy, Skillman, Tillman...whatever the hell his name is, I want him to know that he is forgiven for Christmas eve..." and before I could say or do anything she made her way to the bar...Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins were next (they looked great, BTW), and after their arrival it was just a non-stop parade of who's who in Tinsel Town coming to meet the new flavor of the month...Those damn bug-eyed Olson Twins were on-hand and Sandra Bullock kept trying to get them to eat something...Tom Hanks showed up after the Grammys and made a beeline for Stillman telling him that he wanted him to audition for a supporting role in his next film ... When David Spade and Rob Schneider wormed their way in, an already toasted Dunaway cried out, "Oh look everyone, the C-Lister's have arrived! Come to check coats, have you boys?" Meanwhile, Stillman was playing the role of humble super-star to the nth degree. Remaining pleasant and understated, he received Hollywood royalty like a pro, and I was damn proud of the kid!

When my attorney, Saul Rabinowitz and his date, Courtney Love sauntered in, I knew it was time to double check the guest list ... I did not have much time to do this when Hank yanked me into the foyer to tell me that Liza Minnelli was on her way ... we put our heads together and worked out a plan; Hank would keep an eye on the door and ring my cell phone when Liza with a Z showed, that would be my cue to somehow separate Scarlett from Eric to, hopefully, avoid any fireworks ...what the fuck, it was a plan.

Dashing back into the living room, I nearly tripped over Doris Roberts who was passed out in front of the fireplace. Gingerly stepping over her, I milled amongst the guests and pressed the flesh and air-kissed those who needed to be air kissed and just barely avoided the drunken gropings of Keira Knightley,(she's been begging me to do some work on her new script for weeks now) smiling politely and laughing it off, another grope came from Colin Firth, who was sucking down the Guinness Stout like it was going to be outlawed, "Blimey, mate," he slurred while he tried to grab my crotch, "Who do you have to shag to get some food around here..." I pointed him in the direction of the dining room where Wolfgang was setting up the buffet and wished him well ... I then passed Spade and Schneider who were taking the guests coats into the den... then I came face to face with Carrie Fisher(thank god), and she took my hand and pulled me aside and said, "Dex, this Stillman kid is a god-send! My god, he's so cute in a dewy-eyed kind of way...say is it true that all of girlfriends turn gay? Poor Scarlett," she laughed, we both laughed and flopped on to the sofa and lit a couple of cigarettes and dished the rest of the guests...just as we were watching Sandra Bullock trying to force a canape into one of the Olson Twin's pouty mouth's my cell rang once...it was zero hour!

I gave Carrie a quick peck on the cheek and dashed over to the bar where Eric and Scarlett where going for refills... I tapped the man of the hour on the shoulder and said, "Mind if I borrow your date?" Stillman smiled and said, "Be careful with her, old man, she's one in a million!" I grinned and then got in close and whispered into his ear, "Watch your back, son, Liza is here", and with that I whisked his lovely little ingenue on to the dance floor where we tripped the light fantastic...several of the guests commented on her dress and wanted to know who her designer was...so far so good, Scarlett is a delight and she kept thanking me for introducing her to Eric, I told her it was my pleasure...

And then I heard the gun-shots.

Screams rang through the house and in unison, everyone turned to the center of the room where we saw my housekeeper, Guadalupe and Xavier Gomez where facing another man who had a gun trained on the both of them; "¡Bastardo, usted no merece el amor de esta mujer hermosa! " It was Juan Covier, another one of the co-stars of "El Grande..." It seems that Covier had also been trying to woo my housekeeper, and now that he'd lost his heart, he was going to kill the man who'd woo'd and won Guadalupe...another shot rang out as Covier yelled out, "¡Usted debe morir!", he'd fired his gun into the air...just then I caught site of Stillman running over to the threesome and I figured I'd better get over there quick and help. Stillman leapt through the air and just like his name-sake super hero, he did a high kick, succsefully knocking the gun out of Covier's hand... the .45 soared up into the air and I managed to catch it but not before it went off again causing the guests to disperse in panic...

Once more, I found myself in the middle of a mob scene as people ran for the exits...I looked for Hank, and saw him by the patio door trying to manage the crowd ... I ran over to him and we dashed into the yard... while inside our house, bedlam ruled...

An hour later, after the police left and took Covier with them, Hank and I sat in the living room, surveying the damage...the only guest who remained was Faye Dunaway, she was sipping her umpteenth martini and proclaimed, "Darling boys, tonight is what I call a party! Trust me, no one is going to forget this evening! And that Trillman fellow is going to be bigger than Warren Beatty", and with that she fell flat on her face next to Doris Roberts...

"Oh man, Dex, wait until the National Enquirer gets a hold of this story", Hank said laughing..."Come on, let's soak in the hot tub"...and as we made our way on to the patio we both heard something, a kind of squealing coming from the pool house. I shrugged my shoulders and walked on over to the cabana, Hank following, and opened the door and flicked on the light...

Somethings, no one is meant to see; but we saw it nonetheless. There was Stillman and Liza caught in flagrante delicto... Stillman reached for a blanket and covered up Minnelli and himself and said, "Oh, hi guys ... uh, what can I say? I think this is the real thing! Dex could you break the news to Scarlett? Thanks, you're aces, old man".

I closed the door and Hank helped me to the chaise lounge where I collapsed in a heap and then we both laughed our asses off...

Only in Hollywood, Kids!

Lemonade

You probably have already read about it in Variety, or maybe saw the story on Entertainment Tonight ... it's all true. Former double for Macaulay Culkin, former stunt-man and former paramour of every sexually confused woman in Tinsel Town, Eric Stillman, has been nominated for an Academy Award for Male Lead in a Foreign Film ... more so, his movie, "El Grande Supra!" has been nominated for Foreign Film of The Year... Yes, yes and YES: fortune has smiled on The S-Man and is showing it's pearly whites, blinding the rest of us...now I don't want to brag, but I've been Stillman's greatest supporter since I met him on the set of "Scream 2" (where he was Jerry O'Connell's stunt double)...and while he's had his ups and downs in this crazy business we call, show, his star has finally ascended to dizzying heights ... for instance, as I write this, Stillman is currently working on a little project called, "The King of Denial"; a film that Drew Barrymore is producing and starring in with him, as a matter of fact, after she watched "El Grande Supra!" she requested a meeting with Stillman personally and was so taken with the talented lad she immediately signed him up to be her co-star! I am also happy to report that Stillman is now seeing Scarlett Johansson and they seem to be hitting it off pretty damn well! Of course there is still that issue with Liza Minnelli ... you see, Stillman is from the old-school, and while he is clearly smitten with Scarlett, well, he feels indebted to Liza as she paid his legal fees and also talked Faye Dunaway into not filing a lawsuit after what happened at her Holiday Party (SEE HERE FOR DETAILS). Meanwhile, I've had my hands full trying to get the kid situated ... luckily my lawyer, Saul Rabinowitz managed to get Stillman his S.A.G. card, and then I put in a call to William Morris and had my old agent, Wilma Stonecutter, represent him (Wilma is a tough old broad, and a damn good agent who'll look after her client's best interests ... I owe that old harpy big time for everything she did for me back in the day).

This morning, while reading the dailies, the phone rang and Hank got it, we were sitting across from each other at the breakfast table and I watched as Mr. Man rolled his eyes and put his hand over the receiver while he said to me, "It's Tom Cruise ... again! He wants to talk to Eric...again!" I laughed and whispered back, "Be firm, Hank tell that bitch that, A: Eric does not want to go to a Scientology meeting, and B: HE DON'T SWING THAT WAY!", We both began laughing so hard that Hank could almost not finish the call ... fucking Cruise, like a vulture that smells fresh meat. Later on another call came in, this one was from Madonna, she wanted Eric's cell number, I gave her Sandra Bernhardt's number instead -- much like Cruise, Madonna smells fresh meat also and is always ready to pounce on it (I guess those rumors are true).

Meanwhile, I've been busier than Katie Holmes sperm-donor trying to doctor about a half a dozen new scripts, keeping tags on Matt Perry (did you hear about his new project? Sound familiar????) ... am also head over heals thrilled that my buddy, Matt Dillon coped an Oscar nomination for "Crash" -- I knew some day he'd get his due! Way to go Matt! And to think, he almost appeared in "Disco Nation" with yours truly!!!... I also have to give props to my housekeeper, Guadalupe who, it seems has found true love with one of the other stars of "El Grande Supra!" Yes, it seems that Miss G. and Xavier Gomez have been canoodling ! Ain't love grand?

Well, it's about ninety in the shade today, so I am sitting by the pool, sipping a lemonade while putting the finishing touches on tonight's party at my place. Hank and I decided that it was time to give Mr. Stillman a proper Hollywood introduction, so tonight, Casa Baxter-Azaria will be rocking; nothing but names, kids (all the B-list crowd will be at the Grammys). So, I will post on the nights festivities as soon as I can.

This is Dex Baxter, over and out (for now).