Taking It To The Mat(t) II

This crazy heatwave in Cali has been causing all kinds of wacky things to happen, Poor Lyndsay Lohan had heatstroke, Mel Gibson got drunk and went on a tirade (showing his true colors, I might add), and Doris Roberts is back in rehab; but the big story, is the love story of the decade that features the triad of Matthew McConaughey, Lance Armstrong, and Jake Gyllenhaal.

Good golly, ya can't go anywhere these days without bumping into these boys, riding their bikes, or shopping for trinkets, or just sunning themselves . Just this morning I caught a glimpse of Matt and Lance jogging down the street ... of course everyone knows that Matt is a switch hitter, but what did Sheryl Crow do to Lance? But, hey, it's all good, welcome to the club Lance!

The smart money out here says it's Matt and Lance all the way, and Jake is just the occasional piece of Swiss cheese in the sandwich... of course, that's all just speculation, love in La La Land blows like the Santa Ana winds ... none the less, when you see this threesome come whizzing by you decked out in form-fitting spandex, give them a thumbs up, because true love is hard to find in Hollywood.

And in related news, Matt and Lance are renting a home just up the road from Hank and I. Jakey filled me in on this piece of news when I bumped into him at the Sheldrake Room the other night. Apparently, the boys like to sun themselves on the home's deck; I've caught my housekeeper, Guadalupe, snapping off pictures of the goings-on at the rented home with a digital camera with a tele-photo lens. She claims that she's just trying out a gift her son gave her, but I am pretty sure she's selling the snaps to the National Enquirer!

Ain't love grand?

So the turkey baster love child of Tom and Katie has yet to be seen in public. Even if Jada Pinkeet Smith and that chick from the sitcom claim to have seen it. Will Guadalupe solve this puzzle? Like I said, she's got her new camera and is putting the glad-rag biz on the back burner for a bit ("I am sick of making dresses for these skinny bitches, they don't have the hips, it's like designing the dress for a 12 year old girl", is how she put it in Women's Wear Daily), and says she is going to camp out in front of Cruise's compound until she snaps a few photos of the once and future king of Scientology!

A belated Happy Birthday to noted He-Man, Action Star, and Sheldrake Room regular, Vin Diesel. Vinnie's birthday was on the 18th of July and Hank and I were invited to a private party that he held at the Las Vegas Hilton...now, I'd love to fill you all in on the details of this soiree, but unfortunately, I had to sign a waiver upon entering the hotel that night so, like they say, What Happens in Vin Vegas, Stays in Vin Vegas... here's a picture of the birthday boy sleeping it off...

Well, I am off to Paramount, where I am dropping off a couple of scripts I've been working on, and then it's off to visit my good pal, Eric Stillman, and his lovely wife, Erica, at their home in Malibu. The happy newlyweds are throwing, what promises to be, the party of the summer! I'll post about this when I get back.

Taking It To The Mat(t)

I was going through some old papers the other night and came across this copy of the Spartacus Guide from back in 1990...well slap me on the butt and call me Joey Tribbiani, look who was gracing the cover of this widely read gay travel guide, none other than a dewy eyed Matt LeBlanc.

Now you all know that Matt is a man's man, as straight as an arrow, and like my good friend, Matthew Perry, one should never assume that he's gay because just because he's posed for the cover of an international gay publication (or because he frequents certain private clubs in downtown L.A.).


There is another Matt in town everyone is talking about; yes, I am speaking of the cuckolded Mr. Kathy Griffin, Matt Moline. According to his soon-to-be-ex-wife, Matt was stealing from her (to the tune of $72,000)...all things considered, I think that's a fair amount to have to deal with Griffin...not to worry, Matt, the Hollywood Bachelor's club is always looking for new members!

Here on the home-front all is going well. The work is pouring in and I am up to my neck in paper doctoring scripts...and of course, I am spending time working on my own screenplay which is keeping me busy; The Sunset Detective Agency is going to be the hottest film of 2007, I've already got my cast, and the neccasary funding. If everything goes as planned, we start shooting in January!





Another zombie sighting in Hollyood (see horroific photo on the left)

Dex Baxter is Alive and Well in Hollywood

Hello everyone! I am so sorry that I have been missing; things have been insane around here...Between Hank's show being canceled, Stillman's wedding, and the film I am working on, I have had no time to do much of anything but work!

Yes, "Huff" is no more. The night we heard, I took Hank to the Sheldrake Room and we bumped in to Matt Perry...how ironic that Perry has a new show coming in the fall and Hank's been dumped...thank god for "The Simpsons"...none the less, Mr. Man is a trooper and he's made some damn good investments so we are just viewing this as a breather in between projects...

Did you hear about Eric Stillman's Malibu Weekend wedding? If you read the National Enquirer, you probably did. Well, there is not much to tell except for the facts; the night before, Stillman and Liza Minnelli had a huge falling out that came to blows, poor Eric had a black eye after Liza slugged him and walked out...HOWEVER, since the wedding was prepaid and the invitations were sent, he ended up marrying his elocution teacher, a gorgeous young lady from New Jersey. Of course, everyone was expecting Minnelli to walk down the aisle, so when the pretty young blond showed up, people were scratching their heads...when guest, Faye Dunaway saw the intended Mrs Stillman, she cried out, "Finally that boy has come to his senses and dropped that drunken has been", and then she pulled a bottle of gin from her purse and took a healthy swig. Anyway, it was a swell affair and the happy couple is honeymooning in Palm Springs, and when they come back to La La, Stillman begins filming the sequel to "El Grande Supra" tentative title, "El Grande Supra II - Ole' El Grande!"

So, besides my script doctoring, I've decided to write an original screenplay and have been auditioning some of Tinsel Town's finest. Last week I hosted a private party that served as an open casting call for some of Hollywood's greatest slabs of beefcake talented actors. Of course the first one to show up was Matthew McConaughey who wasted no time cracking open a bottle of Jose Cuervo and doing cannonballs in the pool...anyway the script is tentatively titled, "Sunset Detective Agency" which is about a private investigation company that is staffed by a bunch of hot hunks brilliant private eyes who take their shirts off as much as possible; yes the story will be secondary to the eye candy...this thing is gonna make so much money.

Jake Gyllenhaal also answered the cattle call but he got to drinking with McConaughey and Hank told me that he saw Jakey crawling through the upstairs hallway... we figured he just needed to sleep it off, but the next thing I knew, Guadalupe came out to the patio and said, "Mr. Dexter, that Brokeback boy is passed out on your bedroom floor! Aye!" I told her to keep an eye on him and just lock him in; I'd deal with him later.

Clooney called, he's got a lot of interest in this project and wanted to audition some of the actors himself...I promised him a chance to do all of the callbacks ... Hugh Jackman surprised me be actually showing up...what a nice guy, but I figured that he had enough irons in the fire. Apparently not, the Aussie X Man said he could not wait to disrobe for me on camera, "Tell you what bloke, in Oz, Disco Nation is a fucking classic! So it would be an honor to work with anyone affilated with that masterpiece!"... oh god help me, he has the part!...later on Jared Leto showed up, Boy Howdy, he's a great swimmer and he nailed the fucking audition...I hired him on the spot and told him, "Kid, I am going to make you a star!"


After the auditions, Hank fired up the barbecue and Ramon manned the bar, and dinner and cocktails were served ... it was a pleasant evening and the food and drink was as sublime as the company ... Later on McConaughey started rolling joints and passing them around and soon the air was thick with the smell of ganja...as the evening wound down, I found Jackman asleep on the sofa in the den and shot this picture of him, and then I went to bed and ended up tripping over Jack Nasty who was still out like a light on my bedroom floor... god , I love Hollywood!

AND BY THE WAY...

You may have seen this photo of the macho, action film star floating around the net...but that does not mean that Vincent is gay, OK, just because he's imitating Marilyn Monroe's classic calender pose, does not make him gay ... he was a mere boy when this photo was taken...and it...well it...

Here's a photo of Vin that hangs at his favorite spot at The Sheldrake Room... see, he's 100 percent straight... really, straight as Tom Cruise...

ETC...

As you all might be aware of, my housekeeper, Guadalupe has a cottage industry going designing glad rags for the gals of tinsel town, and I secured Wilma Stonecutter (my former agent, and Stillman's current agent from William Morris) to represent her. Happily, Guadalupe has kept her day job at casa Baxter/Azaria but she's pretty much commandeered the third floor of the mansion as her sweat shop...we've got more Mexicans coming and going at our place than at the Texas border!

This morning, I took the latest script I was doctoring (a top secret project for Universal about the life of Ann Coulter-- tentativly titled, "One Lucky Bitch!") to my favorite beach spot in Malibu, set up my lounge chair and umbrella and while tapping away on my lap top I heard some people screaming, I looked up to see what the commotion was, and saw these two zombies stumbling about ... turned out it was only Mischa Barton and Nicole Richie...

A Big Bag of M&M's (with nuts)

Dig In:

PECKING ORDER:

Have you all noticed that Hank's pecs are almost as big and perky as Pamela Lee Anderson's? Maybe you've seen one of his shirtless scenes on Huff. Well, I live with the guy, and I've noticed. The other day he bumped into me in the hallway, and his left nipple tore a hole in my shirt ... last night I did push ups and supported myself on his chest; damn they were as firm as concrete ... but I'm not complaining, a hard man is good to find! And to those of you who don't like Mr. Man's chest, too bad. Actually it seems a lot of people have a problem with Hank's rack...bunch of jealous bitches if you ask me.

MISS TOM CRUISE'S PARADE SMACK:

Maybe you read the fluff piece in Sunday's issue of Parade Magazine; a real yawner until you get to this passage:

“Before I left Cruise, he introduced me to Katie Holmes, who is about 5 foot 10 (he’s 5 foot 7) and pretty,” writes Rader. “She wore a large diamond engagement ring. She seemed dazed, passive and vacant. She never stopped smiling. The minute she appeared, Cruise’s now-familiar public mode of behavior returned. He began hooting how beautiful she was, touching and kissing her like a teenage boy on his first backseat date, aware that he was being watched.”

DORIS ROBERTS BACK ON THE SAUCE:

Sadly, she's been arrested four times in the past three months for drunk and disorderly contact.

Just last Saturday, LAPD were called to the Brentwood Home of Ray Romano to remove a prostrate and incoherent Roberts from the well manicured lawn from said estate...but Doris is a great old broad, and Hollywood loves a lush; she'll bounce back!

JACK NASTY:

Jake Gyllenhaal making goo-goo eyes at his friend, Austin Nichols means only four things: NOT GAY, NOT GAY, NOT GAY, NOT GAY ... at least that's what his publicist had to say according to L.A. Defamer -- HERE. I can back this up, just last night at The Sheldrake room, Jake told me that he was not gay and then proceeded to drink shots out of noted He-Man (Vin Diesel)'s navel!

SELF MAID DRESS SUCCSESS:

Look out Dolce & Gabbana, Guadalupe of Crenshaw is the biggest thing in designer duds these days...here's the little lady drumming up business at a private function in Brentwood last month! Surprisingly, she's kept her day job!

LIZA TO BE A MOM?!?! ERIC TO BE A DAD!?!? :

Dear god, I kid you not: Liza Minnelli checked in to Cedars Mt Sinai last week, her beloved beau, Eric Stillman by her side and sources reported that someone heard Mr. Stillman exclaim, "What? She's 60 friggin' years old! How could the rabbit have died?"

Rock-a-bye-baby!

EAT ME!

Fucking Blogger ate my post!!!

Sorry kids, I've been really busy lately and sat down tonight and cooked up a big old gossip-riddled posting and then blogger had a seizure and ka-pow it was all gone!

I am going to try again...I'm still here in Sunny So Cal and all is well.

I'm off to The Sheldrake Room.

Stay Tuned!!

Strawberry Quick and Vanilla Vodka with a splash of Heavy Cream

You may wonder what the biggest thrill of Oscar night 2006 was for the house of Baxter / Azaria ... might it have been the big win of a certain friend? Or possibly the award that went to my good buddy, Mr. Clooney? Mayhaps it was the chance to see former Sheldrake Room regular, Will Smith, speaking in French while on stage...then again...maybe it was...

...the fact that several of Hollywood's hottest babes were outfitted by the most sought after designer of glad-rags in Tinseltown these days; Guadalupe of Crenshaw! Yes it's true! Maybe you saw Charlize Theron sporting that little number that came with it's own shoulder pillow (should the wearer want to nod off during one of the long acceptance speeches), or perhaps you caught Sandra Bullock in that natty little number that was stitched together using some old slip covers (speaking of Ms. B: where the heck is Jesse these days, I'm just asking is all) ... my housekeeper has quite a little cottage industry going for herself, and I am damn proud of her;¡La manera de Ir, Guadalupe!

Of course, by now you have read that Eric Stillman won the award for Best Actor in A Foreign Independent Film. Needless to say it was sheer bedlam in center row five of The Kodak Theatre when his name was called. Stillman, who brought Liza Minnelli along as his date, nearly decapitated Dolly Parton, when he jumped from his seat and hopped over the next few rows to get to the stage...meanwhile, Hank and I were high-fiving everyone while Liza (who had brought along a portable mini-bar) was pouring champagne into small plastic glasses and passing them down the row screaming, "That's my boy, give 'em hell, baby!!!" Oh and how about that acceptance speech? In a rolling, cacophony of sounds and emotions, The S Man thanked everyone from his third grade elocution teacher, his Kabbalah instructor, as well as "All the former straight women I have dated"...needless to say, I wiped a tear from my eye when he thanked yours truly for always "having faith in me, no matter what catastrophe followed in my wake". A thunderous standing ovation followed and yes, a star was born!

Since Hank had to fly back to NYC the next morning to continue Spam A Lot, I dropped him off back at the house so he could get some sleep and then had the limo take me to the Vanity Fair party; Stillman and Minnelli were going to meet me there... the first thing I saw when I got out of the limo was a truly horrifying creature who approached me and said in broken English, "Dahling, Help! I Must Moisturize before I turn to Dust!!!" I threw my bottle of Evian water at the beast and watched as the liquid was absorbed into every available pore of the she-beast!

Dashing past the paparazi I bumped into Jake Gyllenhaal and Peter Sarsgaard, "See you at Clooney's party at The Sheldrake Room tonight?" Cried Mr. Brokeback. "Bring your saddle, cowboy", I shot back and continued on my way through the throng of celebs...I finally caught up with Stillman and Liza with a Z, the happy couple was holding court at a small table surrounded by press. Liza saw me first and yelled out, "Dex, sweetheart, over here!!". When I sat down she tried to shove a daiquiri in my hand so I had to remind her that I was in A.A.; looking quizzical for a second she then smiled and said, "Oh yeah, me too!" and preceded to down the cocktail ... Stillman excused himself from the reporters for a second and turned to me and, flushed with his recent success proclaimed, "Baxter, old man, I feel like the king of the world tonight! My god, you won't believe the offers coming my way ... listen, I have about twenty scripts that were slipped my way stashed in the limo, could you look them over in the next few weeks, I want your honest opinion on them..." I assured my good pal that I would take a gander at what he had and at that same moment, Madonna plopped herself down at our table and gave me a quick peck on the cheek and tried to slip Stillman her digits ... Liza, whose something of a hawk-eye, looked up at Mrs. Richie and said, "Beat it, sister skank, he's all mine!" and with that, The Material Girl slinked off into the night...

Realizing that this was Eric's night, I left him and Liza to the ever increasing bevy of new fans and tried to make my exit, but not before a photographer tried to snap a picture of me and my protege ... goddamn, at least you can see our suits!

yours truly and The S Man

At the sidewalk hailing my car, Matt Dillon dashed over and said, "Yo, Baxter - want to share a ride to The Sheldrake?" I agreed and on the way to downtown, we shared a joint and talked about the night's festivities..."Christ, my one chance at an Oscar and fucking Clooney beats me! Not like it's going to be the only one that bastard gets!" At first I thought he might be smarting but Dillon's a good guy, he was just busting stones and then we lit a couple of cigars and he said, "Oh wait, you still on the wagon? Because now is the time to fall off, have you had a 'Strawberry Quickie'? It's Strawberry Quick and vanilla vodka with a splash of heavy cream; Sandy Bullock had a flask full of it and kept passing it around during the awards ceremony, you've got to try one!" I explained that I was still dry but agreed that it sounded great as the car continued on through the magical Hollywood night...