Dex Interrupted

My name is Dex Baxter, and I'm an alcoholic.


Yes, it's true, you probably read about it in Entertainment Weekly or The National Enquirer, but yours truly is currently "resting" at Promises Rehabilitation Center.

I really thought I had this thing beat, but the demon can rise up and bite you in the ass at any time, and now I have am convalescing at the very spot that Ben Affleck, Diana Ross and Robert Downey Jr. dried out. Actually as rehab centers go, this place is pretty chic. It wouldn't be half bad if they could just put Doris Roberts into a sound proof room, that crazy bitch is always screaming at the top of her lungs...sometimes I wish someone would just slip her a vodka and tonic with a couple of Seconals so she'd pass out...

So your probably asking yourself, "Dex, wha' happened, man?"

Well it went like this...

My last day of sobriety occurred on Sunday July 30th when Hank and I drove on down to the Malibu home of my good pal, Eric Stillman, and his lovely wife, Erica. The Stillman's are new Hollywood royalty. Eric's got about ten different film offers, an Oscar, an action figure ("El Grande Supra Supreme!" - marketed by Mattel), and a line of men's wear that is due to hit Macy's any day now! Meanwhile, the little woman, is now the most sort after elocutionist in town! They are literally beating a pathway to the door of Erica to learn how to properly roll their R's and pronounce words like,"disestablishmentarianism".

We got to the party early and The S-Man was in rare form, handing out cigars to Hank and me and showing off his new bride as well as giving us a tour of his new digs...I was so happy for him. He deserves his success. I managed to spend some time with Erica and she was so sweet, she told me that when she was a kid, her favorite film was, "Disco Nation". She even sang me one of the songs from the soundtrack! I immediately knew what Eric saw in the saucy gal from New Jersey.

Then the other guests began arriving and the party kicked into high gear. Brad and Angie showed up with Maddox and Shiloh (such cute kids ) Beyonce and Jay Z, Tom and Rita...it was a regular who's who of the rich and vapid! Sometime around five or so, Faye Dunaway popped in and when she saw me she cried out, " Dex darling, point me in the direction of the bar, I've had a dreadful day!" So I escorted Dunaway to the well stocked bar while she prattled on about her problems...eventually I was able to shake her and go and say high to Matt and Lance (Hollywood's other hot couple of the moment)...those crazy guys jogged all the way over from Burbank! When Dunaway spied them she cried out, "Get a room, boys! One with a working shower!!!!!" A roar of laughter swept through the crowd and someone cried out (I think it was Quentin Tarantino), "Look out, Faye's getting lit!"

Everyone was having a grand time, and when Stillman managed to break away from the crowd, he made his way over and put his arm around my shoulder, and said, "Old man, I owe you big time! None of this could have happened with out your support!" I raised my glass of ginger ale and toasted him and said, "Nonsense, you did this the old fashioned way; you slept your way to the top!" We both roared with laughter and then Stillman produced a joint and we indulged in some wacky spliff and were having a great old time until...

...we heard someone shouting from the road in front of Stillman's home, it sounded like a crazed man...it turned out to be Mel Gibson (one in the same), he was yelling, "I AM THE KING OF MALIBU!!!!" Faster than you could have said, "Braveheart", it was sheer bedlam! Party guests were running to the front yard of Cassa Stillman where they saw Mel in his underwear, brandishing a bottle of Dark Eyes Vodka like a club, twirling it around his head, foam coming from his mouth, his eyes wild like a sow in heat...and then he caught a glimpse of the crowd gathering and cried out, "THE JEW'S RUN HOLLYWOOD!!!" With that he gulped the rest of the contents of the bottle and threw it in a trajectory that came close to smashing our host square in the noggin. Stillman ducked and said, "Nobody ruins a party in this town, except me!!" and just as he was about to charge the madman, Dunaway grabbed his arm and said, "Allow me to deal with this, darling. I've had experience with the mentally deranged".

Tossing her martini aside to the lawn, Faye glided over to Gibson and gently said, "Mel, darling, everyone knows that the Scientologists run this town now, the Jews haven't held sway since Mr. Mayer died".

Gibson looked at her for a second, seemingly trying to comprehend what she was saying, and in the blink of an eye, Faye brought her knee up and gave him a kick in the balls that sent him falling to the ground like a sack of potatoes.

"Fuck off, darling", she said gently turning, lightning a cigarette, and making her way back to the crowd where a spontaneous round of applause rang out.

Stillman and his bride stood mouth's agape and turned to me and Hank, who smiled and said in a nonchalant manner, "Don't fuck with Faye."

After the police came and took Mel away, the party went into overdrive and I soon found myself getting caught up in the reverie.

Now here's where things start to get blurry.

Someone handed me a drink, I think it might have been Shilo or maybe one of the Olsen Twins, anyway, assuming it was a soft drink I gulped it down and quicker than you could say "Postcards From the Edge", I found myself snarfing down the Cutty Sark and several beers...oh man it felt great, like coming home!

At some point in the evening I found myself dancing with Jamie Lee Curtis and she kept saying, "Dex, I never knew you were so light on your feet!" Was I ever!

Later on I was in the bathroom with Keanu Reeves doing a couple of lines of blow...AWESOME!

Eventually I found myself on the beach walking alone, my mind a whirl of images, my mouth feeling like a place where spiders go to die.

Hank and Stillman found me passed out on a sand dune.

Hello rock bottom.


They checked me in to Promises the next morning.
**********

As rehab centers go, this place ain't too shabby. Mind you I've done Betty Ford and Passages in Malibu; Promises has them all beat hands down.

My private room has been dubbed The Matthew Perry Suite by the staff (Matt stayed in this very room on several occasions). ---ah, an aside, how great is Matt on Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip? Anyone care to guess who is character is based on? Anyone, anyone, Buehler?---

Let me tell you a little about some of the other guests at Hotel California...this morning, Congressman Mark Foley checked in, he keeps asking if there is wireless Internet service here ... Lyndsay Lohan is in the out patient clinic, damn bitch keeps stopping by my room asking if she can bum a smoke ... Robin Williams is next door and he and I have been playing scrabble to while away the afternoons...

Carrie Fisher stops by almost every day, she keeps telling me that if I really want this stay to be successful, I need to write a book about the experience (she ought to know). Hank also comes by every day, and today he brought our housekeeper Guadalupe who, as you may or may not know, just made a ton of cash when she snapped and sold some photos to The Star of Tom Cruise and Ricky Martin wrestling nude at a rest stop off the PCH. I am so proud of her!

Scripts are still pouring in, and I am still working on my own project, so that ought to keep me busy while I am here...what else can I say?

See you all in 28 days!

Taking It To The Mat(t) II

This crazy heatwave in Cali has been causing all kinds of wacky things to happen, Poor Lyndsay Lohan had heatstroke, Mel Gibson got drunk and went on a tirade (showing his true colors, I might add), and Doris Roberts is back in rehab; but the big story, is the love story of the decade that features the triad of Matthew McConaughey, Lance Armstrong, and Jake Gyllenhaal.

Good golly, ya can't go anywhere these days without bumping into these boys, riding their bikes, or shopping for trinkets, or just sunning themselves . Just this morning I caught a glimpse of Matt and Lance jogging down the street ... of course everyone knows that Matt is a switch hitter, but what did Sheryl Crow do to Lance? But, hey, it's all good, welcome to the club Lance!

The smart money out here says it's Matt and Lance all the way, and Jake is just the occasional piece of Swiss cheese in the sandwich... of course, that's all just speculation, love in La La Land blows like the Santa Ana winds ... none the less, when you see this threesome come whizzing by you decked out in form-fitting spandex, give them a thumbs up, because true love is hard to find in Hollywood.

And in related news, Matt and Lance are renting a home just up the road from Hank and I. Jakey filled me in on this piece of news when I bumped into him at the Sheldrake Room the other night. Apparently, the boys like to sun themselves on the home's deck; I've caught my housekeeper, Guadalupe, snapping off pictures of the goings-on at the rented home with a digital camera with a tele-photo lens. She claims that she's just trying out a gift her son gave her, but I am pretty sure she's selling the snaps to the National Enquirer!

Ain't love grand?

So the turkey baster love child of Tom and Katie has yet to be seen in public. Even if Jada Pinkeet Smith and that chick from the sitcom claim to have seen it. Will Guadalupe solve this puzzle? Like I said, she's got her new camera and is putting the glad-rag biz on the back burner for a bit ("I am sick of making dresses for these skinny bitches, they don't have the hips, it's like designing the dress for a 12 year old girl", is how she put it in Women's Wear Daily), and says she is going to camp out in front of Cruise's compound until she snaps a few photos of the once and future king of Scientology!

A belated Happy Birthday to noted He-Man, Action Star, and Sheldrake Room regular, Vin Diesel. Vinnie's birthday was on the 18th of July and Hank and I were invited to a private party that he held at the Las Vegas Hilton...now, I'd love to fill you all in on the details of this soiree, but unfortunately, I had to sign a waiver upon entering the hotel that night so, like they say, What Happens in Vin Vegas, Stays in Vin Vegas... here's a picture of the birthday boy sleeping it off...

Well, I am off to Paramount, where I am dropping off a couple of scripts I've been working on, and then it's off to visit my good pal, Eric Stillman, and his lovely wife, Erica, at their home in Malibu. The happy newlyweds are throwing, what promises to be, the party of the summer! I'll post about this when I get back.

Taking It To The Mat(t)

I was going through some old papers the other night and came across this copy of the Spartacus Guide from back in 1990...well slap me on the butt and call me Joey Tribbiani, look who was gracing the cover of this widely read gay travel guide, none other than a dewy eyed Matt LeBlanc.

Now you all know that Matt is a man's man, as straight as an arrow, and like my good friend, Matthew Perry, one should never assume that he's gay because just because he's posed for the cover of an international gay publication (or because he frequents certain private clubs in downtown L.A.).


There is another Matt in town everyone is talking about; yes, I am speaking of the cuckolded Mr. Kathy Griffin, Matt Moline. According to his soon-to-be-ex-wife, Matt was stealing from her (to the tune of $72,000)...all things considered, I think that's a fair amount to have to deal with Griffin...not to worry, Matt, the Hollywood Bachelor's club is always looking for new members!

Here on the home-front all is going well. The work is pouring in and I am up to my neck in paper doctoring scripts...and of course, I am spending time working on my own screenplay which is keeping me busy; The Sunset Detective Agency is going to be the hottest film of 2007, I've already got my cast, and the neccasary funding. If everything goes as planned, we start shooting in January!





Another zombie sighting in Hollyood (see horroific photo on the left)

Dex Baxter is Alive and Well in Hollywood

Hello everyone! I am so sorry that I have been missing; things have been insane around here...Between Hank's show being canceled, Stillman's wedding, and the film I am working on, I have had no time to do much of anything but work!

Yes, "Huff" is no more. The night we heard, I took Hank to the Sheldrake Room and we bumped in to Matt Perry...how ironic that Perry has a new show coming in the fall and Hank's been dumped...thank god for "The Simpsons"...none the less, Mr. Man is a trooper and he's made some damn good investments so we are just viewing this as a breather in between projects...

Did you hear about Eric Stillman's Malibu Weekend wedding? If you read the National Enquirer, you probably did. Well, there is not much to tell except for the facts; the night before, Stillman and Liza Minnelli had a huge falling out that came to blows, poor Eric had a black eye after Liza slugged him and walked out...HOWEVER, since the wedding was prepaid and the invitations were sent, he ended up marrying his elocution teacher, a gorgeous young lady from New Jersey. Of course, everyone was expecting Minnelli to walk down the aisle, so when the pretty young blond showed up, people were scratching their heads...when guest, Faye Dunaway saw the intended Mrs Stillman, she cried out, "Finally that boy has come to his senses and dropped that drunken has been", and then she pulled a bottle of gin from her purse and took a healthy swig. Anyway, it was a swell affair and the happy couple is honeymooning in Palm Springs, and when they come back to La La, Stillman begins filming the sequel to "El Grande Supra" tentative title, "El Grande Supra II - Ole' El Grande!"

So, besides my script doctoring, I've decided to write an original screenplay and have been auditioning some of Tinsel Town's finest. Last week I hosted a private party that served as an open casting call for some of Hollywood's greatest slabs of beefcake talented actors. Of course the first one to show up was Matthew McConaughey who wasted no time cracking open a bottle of Jose Cuervo and doing cannonballs in the pool...anyway the script is tentatively titled, "Sunset Detective Agency" which is about a private investigation company that is staffed by a bunch of hot hunks brilliant private eyes who take their shirts off as much as possible; yes the story will be secondary to the eye candy...this thing is gonna make so much money.

Jake Gyllenhaal also answered the cattle call but he got to drinking with McConaughey and Hank told me that he saw Jakey crawling through the upstairs hallway... we figured he just needed to sleep it off, but the next thing I knew, Guadalupe came out to the patio and said, "Mr. Dexter, that Brokeback boy is passed out on your bedroom floor! Aye!" I told her to keep an eye on him and just lock him in; I'd deal with him later.

Clooney called, he's got a lot of interest in this project and wanted to audition some of the actors himself...I promised him a chance to do all of the callbacks ... Hugh Jackman surprised me be actually showing up...what a nice guy, but I figured that he had enough irons in the fire. Apparently not, the Aussie X Man said he could not wait to disrobe for me on camera, "Tell you what bloke, in Oz, Disco Nation is a fucking classic! So it would be an honor to work with anyone affilated with that masterpiece!"... oh god help me, he has the part!...later on Jared Leto showed up, Boy Howdy, he's a great swimmer and he nailed the fucking audition...I hired him on the spot and told him, "Kid, I am going to make you a star!"


After the auditions, Hank fired up the barbecue and Ramon manned the bar, and dinner and cocktails were served ... it was a pleasant evening and the food and drink was as sublime as the company ... Later on McConaughey started rolling joints and passing them around and soon the air was thick with the smell of ganja...as the evening wound down, I found Jackman asleep on the sofa in the den and shot this picture of him, and then I went to bed and ended up tripping over Jack Nasty who was still out like a light on my bedroom floor... god , I love Hollywood!

AND BY THE WAY...

You may have seen this photo of the macho, action film star floating around the net...but that does not mean that Vincent is gay, OK, just because he's imitating Marilyn Monroe's classic calender pose, does not make him gay ... he was a mere boy when this photo was taken...and it...well it...

Here's a photo of Vin that hangs at his favorite spot at The Sheldrake Room... see, he's 100 percent straight... really, straight as Tom Cruise...

ETC...

As you all might be aware of, my housekeeper, Guadalupe has a cottage industry going designing glad rags for the gals of tinsel town, and I secured Wilma Stonecutter (my former agent, and Stillman's current agent from William Morris) to represent her. Happily, Guadalupe has kept her day job at casa Baxter/Azaria but she's pretty much commandeered the third floor of the mansion as her sweat shop...we've got more Mexicans coming and going at our place than at the Texas border!

This morning, I took the latest script I was doctoring (a top secret project for Universal about the life of Ann Coulter-- tentativly titled, "One Lucky Bitch!") to my favorite beach spot in Malibu, set up my lounge chair and umbrella and while tapping away on my lap top I heard some people screaming, I looked up to see what the commotion was, and saw these two zombies stumbling about ... turned out it was only Mischa Barton and Nicole Richie...

A Big Bag of M&M's (with nuts)

Dig In:

PECKING ORDER:

Have you all noticed that Hank's pecs are almost as big and perky as Pamela Lee Anderson's? Maybe you've seen one of his shirtless scenes on Huff. Well, I live with the guy, and I've noticed. The other day he bumped into me in the hallway, and his left nipple tore a hole in my shirt ... last night I did push ups and supported myself on his chest; damn they were as firm as concrete ... but I'm not complaining, a hard man is good to find! And to those of you who don't like Mr. Man's chest, too bad. Actually it seems a lot of people have a problem with Hank's rack...bunch of jealous bitches if you ask me.

MISS TOM CRUISE'S PARADE SMACK:

Maybe you read the fluff piece in Sunday's issue of Parade Magazine; a real yawner until you get to this passage:

“Before I left Cruise, he introduced me to Katie Holmes, who is about 5 foot 10 (he’s 5 foot 7) and pretty,” writes Rader. “She wore a large diamond engagement ring. She seemed dazed, passive and vacant. She never stopped smiling. The minute she appeared, Cruise’s now-familiar public mode of behavior returned. He began hooting how beautiful she was, touching and kissing her like a teenage boy on his first backseat date, aware that he was being watched.”

DORIS ROBERTS BACK ON THE SAUCE:

Sadly, she's been arrested four times in the past three months for drunk and disorderly contact.

Just last Saturday, LAPD were called to the Brentwood Home of Ray Romano to remove a prostrate and incoherent Roberts from the well manicured lawn from said estate...but Doris is a great old broad, and Hollywood loves a lush; she'll bounce back!

JACK NASTY:

Jake Gyllenhaal making goo-goo eyes at his friend, Austin Nichols means only four things: NOT GAY, NOT GAY, NOT GAY, NOT GAY ... at least that's what his publicist had to say according to L.A. Defamer -- HERE. I can back this up, just last night at The Sheldrake room, Jake told me that he was not gay and then proceeded to drink shots out of noted He-Man (Vin Diesel)'s navel!

SELF MAID DRESS SUCCSESS:

Look out Dolce & Gabbana, Guadalupe of Crenshaw is the biggest thing in designer duds these days...here's the little lady drumming up business at a private function in Brentwood last month! Surprisingly, she's kept her day job!

LIZA TO BE A MOM?!?! ERIC TO BE A DAD!?!? :

Dear god, I kid you not: Liza Minnelli checked in to Cedars Mt Sinai last week, her beloved beau, Eric Stillman by her side and sources reported that someone heard Mr. Stillman exclaim, "What? She's 60 friggin' years old! How could the rabbit have died?"

Rock-a-bye-baby!

EAT ME!

Fucking Blogger ate my post!!!

Sorry kids, I've been really busy lately and sat down tonight and cooked up a big old gossip-riddled posting and then blogger had a seizure and ka-pow it was all gone!

I am going to try again...I'm still here in Sunny So Cal and all is well.

I'm off to The Sheldrake Room.

Stay Tuned!!